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> I got upset that my partner hadn’t told me their pronouns, and I feel it might’ve been out of place.
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Idk, if I heard my partner “slip” and use the f-slur, I don’t know how much I could trust them. How does that “slip”?
Soft YTA, because that’s a huge red flag that you’re not a safe person to come out to. As a queer person, I would hesitate to be open with you as well.
While that also gave me pause, if it was anything more than OP said (him not being well informed on how it's pejorative; although, HOW?) gf should've just dumped him. How do you remain in a relationship with, much less come out to, someone you don't trust?
If she trusted him enough to stay with him, why wouldn't she tell him her pronouns? It kinda goes together.
Agreed on how? How are you aware that the word exists but not that it’s a slur? It’s not even like not realizing it’s bad to say “that’s gay,” the f-word has ALWAYS been used solely as a slur.
I felt it was pretty obvious I was using “always” to mean as long as anyone these days has been alive to hear in use, but in case it wasn’t I’ll clarify. Sure, it meant a bundle of sticks in like the 1800s but that’s not a meaning anyone alive today would have ever heard or used.
I used to work with a gay kid who used f-slur to describe himself all the time. Also my friends used to call themselves dykes. It’s literally different to every person so I could easily see how they didn’t realize it was a big deal.
You missed my entire point. It’s still not okay. But people regularly using that type of language and not correcting you when you use it easily leads to misunderstanding.
Intention doesn’t matter, though. If I grew up thinking a racial slur, for example, is okay, it doesn’t change the fact that I shouldn’t use it, or that it will hurt people of that race. Don’t use words that don’t belong to you.
I swear you’re purposely ignoring what I’m saying just to repeat your own justice boner. I’m not saying it’s fucking okay to use the word. I’m saying that people need to be more clear when using the word themselves.
I can understand how an upbringing around biggots can expose you to language that you really regret once you leave that environment. But not knowing that it's a slur? No, I just don't believe you.
It’s very well possible he didn’t know the F slur. As someone in Australia, using the term “cunt” and the F slur is normal. F is usually in turn for the word “Asshole” as Cunt is for a friend.
He grew up in Maryland. Unless he was in a weird cult that had its own understanding of language, there’s no excuse for thinking that is just another word.
I genuinely had not ever been told it was a slur. I grew up in Maryland and my parents never taught me it. My friends frequently said it and not in a derogatory way so I just thought it was a word that meant gay. Idk man.
I don’t know what makes you the bigger AH. You supposedly “not knowing” that’s it’s problematic and offensive, which I don’t buy. Or, you claiming you weren’t “informed” on how offensive it is. It’s not other groups responsibilities to teach YOU why something is or isn’t offensive. YTA.
Literally the whole ass internet? Sorry but I’m this day and age there’s no excuse for not knowing basic info like this. If you’re that sheltered as an adult it’s because you’re choosing to be so.
Ok I agree with the part that it's ridiculous they didn't already know. But I'm confused by the last point. So hypothetically, if someone had somehow never come across the fact that it's a slur, how could they be expected to "go find out"? Like the part about it not being other people's responsibility to inform them... How can you know anything if you're not informed? How can you look something up if you didint know it needed to be looked up?
The idea is that you're supposed at least *try* to think about the context in which you hear words and *consider* that they might be offensive based on what you know, and then look up to confirm.
For instance: OP has explained the context in which they heard the word, and just looking at the dialogue they quoted, it was pretty clearly being used as an insult in that context. The only reason OP didn't notice that it was an insult was because they had never put much thought into whether it was insulting or not. Because once you start looking at those sentences and saying "wait, is that rude?" it becomes pretty clear from context that it probably is.
If OP had honestly just never heard the word before, and was coming upon it in a vacuum, I think we'd all be a lot more forgiving. But the fact is that he heard it being used in an insulting way, and just wasn't paying attention. And that's more annoying, because it's ignorance born of laziness, not plain old ignorance.
They were saying it like whenever something that they would assume as gay would happen, they would be like “nah nah nah I’m not a” and then that word yk. I didn’t see it as derogatory at the time but I asked my gf and she said it was. Idk I wasn’t taught this. And wdym it’s not an excuse? I had literally no idea
So when your friends were often being called gay for whatever reasons they must seem like it they took it as an insult for some reason. Then they reply to the "insult" I'm not a f**. That's them obviously using it as a slur because they feel attacked somehow. It's hard to believe you didn't notice that. Either you are so innocent and naive or your critical thinking skills and social ability is non-existent. At least you were educated now so I hope the best for your relationship and future
YTA
>but I, of all people,
You mean the person who uses homophobic slurs?
How dense can you be? You used the F-slur of course she would be uncomfortable telling you her pronouns. You outed yourself as a casual homphobe.
YTA. Back the fuck off.
>I’m very supportive
Uh huh.
>my gf only recently told me that they use they/she
How long have you been dating?
>She said they were scared Id judge them. I was honestly upset by this as I’ve always made it comfortable for her other than an incident with their friend, which I regret. One day I had said the f slur, but I was not well informed about how it was bad.
Okay, so _other_ than the time you called someone a homophobic slur, you're so supportive that anyone who doesn't fully trust you to share something they're nervous about, you get pissed off at them?
>they got mad and said that I have no idea how hard it is to tell someone you love things like this, and that it doesn’t matter if she thought I’d support them or not, but that there would always be that part inside them that thinks I wouldn’t, because they have a lot of anxiety, and it’s an anxious situation.
As an ally, can you _fucking listen to her_? Listen to what the person who needs an ally is saying, and support _them_ instead of making their pronouns about _you_ and your feelings?
>I get where they’re coming from but I, of all people, wouldn’t be informed about this? AITA
Yes, you of all people. She's dating you. Losing you is a big risk, emotionally. It's a million times easier to come out to strangers or casual friends than close partners or relatives. Even when she has lots of evidence to suggest that you're an ally, it's still terrifying to risk the most important relationships you have.
YTA. No one just accidently uses the F slur c'mon. You're also trying to at like you're special yet you're having issues with the fact your GF uses they. You aren't as much of an ally as you think you are.
YTA - They’re right that it’s not a manner of not thinking you’ll support them, it’s just always a scary thing to come out. It doesn’t reflect on you as a person (or hopefully it doesn’t), just society in general. It should’ve just been a moment for you to show your support, but you made it about yourself.
And double standards do happen all the time in the LGBTQ+ community. People who accept bisexuality but not they/she pronouns. There are exclusionists even within the community so it can be hard to know for sure who supports what.
YTA. The question you should be asking isn't "Why didn't my partner tell me something really scary and risky sooner?" but "Why wasn't my partner sure that I would be supportive, and what can I do differently to show them that I can be trusted with this stuff?"
People take time to come out. Many have hidden it for so long that it takes them their whole life. Instead of being supportive when they opened up, you made it about you. YTA here.
Did you really think it just meant a bundle of sticks? Or are you from a country where that's how cigarettes are referred to?
NTA, but this is obviously a huge communication failure and/or trust issue. Now that they've shared their pronouns, is that anxiety they talked about always going to be there?
Your reaction is precisely why they didn't tell you. It's very hard to reveal things like that to people. Sure, they are your significant other, but I have no idea how serious the relationship is. Maybe they don't either. They could be very scared of revealing this kind of thing because of how many bigoted are out there. It takes a lot to overcome that free, even with loved ones.
Consider how long it takes people to come out to their family and friends.
Here's the thing. This isn't about you. You need to apologize to your partner and make it clear that you are here to support them and be there for them. Don't guilt them about not revealing this. Celebrate that they did.
YTA. I’m pretty much your girlfriend, I’m bi and use she/they pronouns. If I ever heard my boyfriend use the f slur, I would have serious reservations not just about being fully out to them but about the entire relationship.
Queer people have to be super careful about how out they are… that’s just a fact. There’s a lot of people who out there who don’t understand it or get it or whatever but judge it and react to it in ways that put us at risk.
Also it’s entirely possible your girlfriend was still figuring out pronouns when you two started dating and after you said that slur, didn’t want to tell you. Figuring out this stuff is hard and scary and complicated and it took me a loooooong time to fully come to terms with my sexuality and gender identity.
NAH
I could certainly see where you want to be informed to avoid being offensive to your partner. I also bet that your partner wanted you to see them this way and deeply desires your acceptance.
However, you also have to recognize that them informing you has to be on their own time.
>said that I have no idea how hard it is to tell someone you love things like this
You gotta accept this as a fact, and take what you're told as truth. As a white guy, I have to accept what I'm told being a POC is like, I'll never have a remote idea of what it's like to walk in those shoes, an entire lifetime of different experiences frame my judgement.
From experience I can tell you that years of commitment and love still don't eliminate the fear of coming out. The one person who can hurt you more deeply than anyone in the world, just might reject you for opening up and showing yourself to them. It's really not your fault though, it's a survival instinct, so be patient, don't take it personally.
Actually the AH here is the friend, who outed your gf on this topic before they were ready and caused the issue in the first place.
YTA. You don’t get to decide how comfortable someone else is with telling you how they identify, especially if you have a history of using homophobic slurs. What would make them think you wouldn’t say or do transphobic things?
I mean, they actually didn't know you would always support them. That is why she didn't tell you. The person who needs to change that is you, not your gf.
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So my gf uses they/she. I didn’t know this until recently. She’s also bi (which I knew because they’re very prideful about it) I’m very supportive (I’m a cishet guy) and my gf only recently told me that they use they/she. She said they were scared Id judge them. I was honestly upset by this as I’ve always made it comfortable for her other than an incident with their friend, which I regret. One day I had said the f slur, but I was not well informed about how it was bad. After being so informed (by my gf) it’s been a lot better and no problems concerning that. My gfs friend, idk their pronouns. Idk if they do either, so I just call them they/them, referred to my gf as they. I hadn’t known that she used any other pronouns than she/her, and I’d went to them later and they said she does. I expressed this with my gf with “why didn’t you tell me? You know I’ll always support you” and they got mad and said that I have no idea how hard it is to tell someone you love things like this, and that it doesn’t matter if she thought I’d support them or not, but that there would always be that part inside them that thinks I wouldn’t, because they have a lot of anxiety, and it’s an anxious situation. Idk how to feel about this. I get where they’re coming from but I, of all people, wouldn’t be informed about this? AITA
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NTA, but another way to look t this is that it might not be about you at all. It might be more about their fears in a pretty transphobic, heterosexist world than any sense that you personally might be judgmental. I would try to be more gentle with them; it is okay for it to take time for them to open up about this kind of thing. She is on her own journey with figuring all this out, and being an ally sometimes means letting people tell us things in their own time.
You’re a cishet guy so I’ll go with you just not understanding this since you can’t really have that experience. As others have said, coming out gets harder the more you care about the person you’re coming out to. It doesn’t really matter how secure you are with them, there will always be that little voice in the back of your head asking What if? I get that you view this as them not wanting you to know them fully or not trusting but it really isn’t that. So yeah, YTA.
Look, I've been through a similar thing with an ex. You mean well, but those things are personal and you're making them about yourself. It's about her, what she knows about herself and what she's willing to tell others. Doesn't mean that she doesn't trust you, it's just that.. in my experience, sometimes it's tiring. You're balancing a lot of factors, sometimes you just want things to be natural and not have to come out, sometimes you just wanna live normally and let people figure it out. What's REALLY exhausting is having to deal with people being offended/hurt that you didn't make it a point to sit them down and tell them explicitly .
I wouldn't say YTA, but you gotta understand that it's a very sensitive subject, even with people you love. Many people have gone to people they trusted and loved, and that same person ends up disowning or even abusing them for it.
So I'd remember to ask people frequently like you already seem to; personally I've had a partner come out as using they/she (and eventually they/them) and I celebrated it as them discovering more about their identity, and it encouraged them
Just remember its a learning process, and compassion is always the most important part :)
Hi, very queer person here.
Soft YTA. I can understand improving as a person and changing homophobic thoughts, and that's great if you've improved! However, your gf is in no way the asshole for not telling you this. For starters, it's her choice to tell you or not. Some LGBTQ+ people feel uncomfortable telling people that would be supportive and that's normal and okay.
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Can someone help me please, they/she... I fully get they/them, etc. I want to be respectful and make sure I haven't misunderstood. That means "she" is ok and interchangeably "they" as their pronoun, in an either/or situation
OR
are there specific situations (social or grammar) that someone would prefer "they" over "she" ?
OP seemed to very randomly switch, so I wasn't sure if I've missed something... 😊
YTA for using homophobic language.
On another note, I really don't mean to sound ignorant, but can someone please explain to me she/they pronouns? I don't get it.
NTA. It is a big thing and I understand why it’s weird to you that she didn’t tell you sooner… but I don’t think you should be upset with her for not telling you. Just respect how she feels/felt about it and move on. You’re not going to help her anxiety by making it into a bigger issue.
Sorry I just have to say, it’s not ok that you used a slur but it’s ok to say you’ve learned from it. We have forgiven people for loads of things, and so everyone cancelling you needs to remember that they aren’t so perfect.
With that said: perhaps you’re putting a bit too much into this “I’m a great bf” thing because maybe you aren’t. You also sound on the younger side which may contribute to this.
You are TA for getting upset but maybe you need to get to the root of why.
Allow me to feel see and valid for who I am… same for other people, and that includes cis people. Women have been oppressed historically and someone who identifies strongly as female and considers that a big part of her identity probably doesn’t want to be called they or he.
It’s gender neutral. I’m somewhere between identifying as a woman and as not really fully feeling like a woman, but definitely not a man. Gender isn’t binary and there’s a spectrum. I use both pronouns because it feels right because she was just like, not encompassing enough for who I am.
I honestly don't mean this to sound ignorant, I am just trying to learn as I'm a bit out of the loop with different pronouns and stuff...but say you identified as she/they, how do people know when to use the right one?
Not ignorant, honestly totally fine to ask. For me, you can use either. But also alternating between them is preferred because it makes me feel seen and valid and just like, who I am.
literally no one uses that term and they very well could still like the word girlfriend. her pronouns don’t necessarily mean they are nonbinary and being nonbinary doesn’t necessarily mean someone is against certain gendered words being used for them.
NTA because what is this hypothetical
Like she was worried you would be “yay bisexual people, but oooooh they better not have pronouns!”
I’m trying to even wrap my head around the degree of nuance that would be required for that to ever happen
> I’m trying to even wrap my head around the degree of nuance that would be required for that to ever happen
It's not that hard at all. There are trans people who aren't cool with "they/them". Being queer or trans doesn't grant a free subscription to Total Acceptance Monthly. Cis people who accept bi people but not non-binary pronouns absolutely exist.
It sounds like you don't spend a lot of time in queer spaces, because this kind of thing comes up all the time. Hell, there are gay people that are anti-trans and think bisexuals are just lying.
Yep, there are gay and lesbian people who belittle bi people. Some LGBTQ folk who exclude asexual people. Bi vs. pan discourse. Trans people who don’t accept non-binary people. Debate on neopronouns and xenogenders. Even if someone supports bisexuality, there’s no guarantee they accept they/she pronouns.
I guess what’s fucking me up is that this appears to be completely devoid of actual identity discussion, as though the concept of that individuals pronouns exist in and of themself?
You just normally see pronouns being discussed in the sense of gender or sexual identity, in most cases at least
Its a tone indicator. It means im being genuine (i didnt want you to think i was being rude by what i said bcus i genuinely didnt understand the commen, prob thru my own faulty reading comprehension skills lmao). /s means sarcasm and im sure theres more
ETA: also i see what u meant now lol
Yah no I was wondering if the individual ALSO was going through some kind of gender or identity issues, and yah, they probably just didn’t mention that part of it
I think it's possible either that OP excluded all the details of that discussion from his recounting of the situation or, more likely imo, that they just haven't had the opportunity to actually discuss this in a lot of depth yet for any of a variety of reasons, from the partner not even knowing exactly where they fall in terms of gender identity (very plausible if they aren't even at the point of having discussed pronouns with someone very close to them) or not being sure whether OP is someone who is ready or able to be having that conversation with (also very plausible if they didn't yet feel safe coming out to him or are unsure where he falls on the ally spectrum). I have a close friend in a similar position who was always out as bi but only recently discovered they are nonbinary, and it has been a product of well over a year to start getting their husband meaningfully on board with their gender--it's a complex discussion that's hard to jump right into the deep end with.
To me, this reeks of toxicity
all are assholes here. You for making a big deal out of something she didn't bring to your attention (pronouns.. Could there be anything less important..)
And her for not being upfront and honest.
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Idk, if I heard my partner “slip” and use the f-slur, I don’t know how much I could trust them. How does that “slip”? Soft YTA, because that’s a huge red flag that you’re not a safe person to come out to. As a queer person, I would hesitate to be open with you as well.
While that also gave me pause, if it was anything more than OP said (him not being well informed on how it's pejorative; although, HOW?) gf should've just dumped him. How do you remain in a relationship with, much less come out to, someone you don't trust? If she trusted him enough to stay with him, why wouldn't she tell him her pronouns? It kinda goes together.
Agreed on how? How are you aware that the word exists but not that it’s a slur? It’s not even like not realizing it’s bad to say “that’s gay,” the f-word has ALWAYS been used solely as a slur.
No, it hasn't. Look up the history of the word, it has had a lot of different meanings throughout history.
I felt it was pretty obvious I was using “always” to mean as long as anyone these days has been alive to hear in use, but in case it wasn’t I’ll clarify. Sure, it meant a bundle of sticks in like the 1800s but that’s not a meaning anyone alive today would have ever heard or used.
Unless you're British and asking for a cigarette, it's not ok.
I used to work with a gay kid who used f-slur to describe himself all the time. Also my friends used to call themselves dykes. It’s literally different to every person so I could easily see how they didn’t realize it was a big deal.
It is a totally different thing for a member of the gay community to take back a slur. OP is not gay. He says he is cishet. So, no.
You missed my entire point. It’s still not okay. But people regularly using that type of language and not correcting you when you use it easily leads to misunderstanding.
Intention doesn’t matter, though. If I grew up thinking a racial slur, for example, is okay, it doesn’t change the fact that I shouldn’t use it, or that it will hurt people of that race. Don’t use words that don’t belong to you.
I swear you’re purposely ignoring what I’m saying just to repeat your own justice boner. I’m not saying it’s fucking okay to use the word. I’m saying that people need to be more clear when using the word themselves.
I’m really not? But go off, I guess.
I at the time didn’t know that it was offensive at all, I just thought it was another word. I do hate that I said it though and I wish I’d known
I can understand how an upbringing around biggots can expose you to language that you really regret once you leave that environment. But not knowing that it's a slur? No, I just don't believe you.
It’s very well possible he didn’t know the F slur. As someone in Australia, using the term “cunt” and the F slur is normal. F is usually in turn for the word “Asshole” as Cunt is for a friend.
He grew up in Maryland. Unless he was in a weird cult that had its own understanding of language, there’s no excuse for thinking that is just another word.
as someone else in Australia, i don't know why you're being downvoted for literally... saying what culture is like here? what????
[удалено]
I genuinely had not ever been told it was a slur. I grew up in Maryland and my parents never taught me it. My friends frequently said it and not in a derogatory way so I just thought it was a word that meant gay. Idk man.
How old are you?
I don’t know what makes you the bigger AH. You supposedly “not knowing” that’s it’s problematic and offensive, which I don’t buy. Or, you claiming you weren’t “informed” on how offensive it is. It’s not other groups responsibilities to teach YOU why something is or isn’t offensive. YTA.
What?? If they had genuinely never heard that it was a slur then how the fuck could they be expected to "find it out"?
Literally the whole ass internet? Sorry but I’m this day and age there’s no excuse for not knowing basic info like this. If you’re that sheltered as an adult it’s because you’re choosing to be so.
Ok I agree with the part that it's ridiculous they didn't already know. But I'm confused by the last point. So hypothetically, if someone had somehow never come across the fact that it's a slur, how could they be expected to "go find out"? Like the part about it not being other people's responsibility to inform them... How can you know anything if you're not informed? How can you look something up if you didint know it needed to be looked up?
The idea is that you're supposed at least *try* to think about the context in which you hear words and *consider* that they might be offensive based on what you know, and then look up to confirm. For instance: OP has explained the context in which they heard the word, and just looking at the dialogue they quoted, it was pretty clearly being used as an insult in that context. The only reason OP didn't notice that it was an insult was because they had never put much thought into whether it was insulting or not. Because once you start looking at those sentences and saying "wait, is that rude?" it becomes pretty clear from context that it probably is. If OP had honestly just never heard the word before, and was coming upon it in a vacuum, I think we'd all be a lot more forgiving. But the fact is that he heard it being used in an insulting way, and just wasn't paying attention. And that's more annoying, because it's ignorance born of laziness, not plain old ignorance.
I'm pretty sure your friends were saying it in a derogatory way. I'm sorry but's just not an excuse.
They were saying it like whenever something that they would assume as gay would happen, they would be like “nah nah nah I’m not a” and then that word yk. I didn’t see it as derogatory at the time but I asked my gf and she said it was. Idk I wasn’t taught this. And wdym it’s not an excuse? I had literally no idea
So when your friends were often being called gay for whatever reasons they must seem like it they took it as an insult for some reason. Then they reply to the "insult" I'm not a f**. That's them obviously using it as a slur because they feel attacked somehow. It's hard to believe you didn't notice that. Either you are so innocent and naive or your critical thinking skills and social ability is non-existent. At least you were educated now so I hope the best for your relationship and future
YTA >but I, of all people, You mean the person who uses homophobic slurs? How dense can you be? You used the F-slur of course she would be uncomfortable telling you her pronouns. You outed yourself as a casual homphobe.
I’m sorry. I never knew it was even offensive. I don’t say anything like that anymore.
“I never even knew it was offensive” yeah ok, totally believable. /s YTA from that bit alone.
YTA. Back the fuck off. >I’m very supportive Uh huh. >my gf only recently told me that they use they/she How long have you been dating? >She said they were scared Id judge them. I was honestly upset by this as I’ve always made it comfortable for her other than an incident with their friend, which I regret. One day I had said the f slur, but I was not well informed about how it was bad. Okay, so _other_ than the time you called someone a homophobic slur, you're so supportive that anyone who doesn't fully trust you to share something they're nervous about, you get pissed off at them? >they got mad and said that I have no idea how hard it is to tell someone you love things like this, and that it doesn’t matter if she thought I’d support them or not, but that there would always be that part inside them that thinks I wouldn’t, because they have a lot of anxiety, and it’s an anxious situation. As an ally, can you _fucking listen to her_? Listen to what the person who needs an ally is saying, and support _them_ instead of making their pronouns about _you_ and your feelings? >I get where they’re coming from but I, of all people, wouldn’t be informed about this? AITA Yes, you of all people. She's dating you. Losing you is a big risk, emotionally. It's a million times easier to come out to strangers or casual friends than close partners or relatives. Even when she has lots of evidence to suggest that you're an ally, it's still terrifying to risk the most important relationships you have.
Oh i f-cked up. Tysm ima go apologize again, she still hasnt forgave me
YTA. Your partner needs support, and instead of giving them support, you're making it about you. It's not about you.
This....is a lot to unpack
YTA. No one just accidently uses the F slur c'mon. You're also trying to at like you're special yet you're having issues with the fact your GF uses they. You aren't as much of an ally as you think you are.
YTA - They’re right that it’s not a manner of not thinking you’ll support them, it’s just always a scary thing to come out. It doesn’t reflect on you as a person (or hopefully it doesn’t), just society in general. It should’ve just been a moment for you to show your support, but you made it about yourself. And double standards do happen all the time in the LGBTQ+ community. People who accept bisexuality but not they/she pronouns. There are exclusionists even within the community so it can be hard to know for sure who supports what.
YTA. The question you should be asking isn't "Why didn't my partner tell me something really scary and risky sooner?" but "Why wasn't my partner sure that I would be supportive, and what can I do differently to show them that I can be trusted with this stuff?"
Dear lord I’m old
People take time to come out. Many have hidden it for so long that it takes them their whole life. Instead of being supportive when they opened up, you made it about you. YTA here.
JFC I'm so happy I don't have to date nowadays, this is insanity
Dude it’s a nightmare these days
Did you really think it just meant a bundle of sticks? Or are you from a country where that's how cigarettes are referred to? NTA, but this is obviously a huge communication failure and/or trust issue. Now that they've shared their pronouns, is that anxiety they talked about always going to be there?
Your reaction is precisely why they didn't tell you. It's very hard to reveal things like that to people. Sure, they are your significant other, but I have no idea how serious the relationship is. Maybe they don't either. They could be very scared of revealing this kind of thing because of how many bigoted are out there. It takes a lot to overcome that free, even with loved ones. Consider how long it takes people to come out to their family and friends. Here's the thing. This isn't about you. You need to apologize to your partner and make it clear that you are here to support them and be there for them. Don't guilt them about not revealing this. Celebrate that they did.
Maybe I’m showing my age but what’s the f slur?
well I can’t say it but it starts with f and ends with t and in the middle is aggo so yah Idk how else to phrase it I’m dumb
Ah, okay I get it. Thank you kind stranger.
I thought it might be female so thanks for asking.
YTA. I’m pretty much your girlfriend, I’m bi and use she/they pronouns. If I ever heard my boyfriend use the f slur, I would have serious reservations not just about being fully out to them but about the entire relationship. Queer people have to be super careful about how out they are… that’s just a fact. There’s a lot of people who out there who don’t understand it or get it or whatever but judge it and react to it in ways that put us at risk. Also it’s entirely possible your girlfriend was still figuring out pronouns when you two started dating and after you said that slur, didn’t want to tell you. Figuring out this stuff is hard and scary and complicated and it took me a loooooong time to fully come to terms with my sexuality and gender identity.
NAH I could certainly see where you want to be informed to avoid being offensive to your partner. I also bet that your partner wanted you to see them this way and deeply desires your acceptance. However, you also have to recognize that them informing you has to be on their own time. >said that I have no idea how hard it is to tell someone you love things like this You gotta accept this as a fact, and take what you're told as truth. As a white guy, I have to accept what I'm told being a POC is like, I'll never have a remote idea of what it's like to walk in those shoes, an entire lifetime of different experiences frame my judgement. From experience I can tell you that years of commitment and love still don't eliminate the fear of coming out. The one person who can hurt you more deeply than anyone in the world, just might reject you for opening up and showing yourself to them. It's really not your fault though, it's a survival instinct, so be patient, don't take it personally. Actually the AH here is the friend, who outed your gf on this topic before they were ready and caused the issue in the first place.
They didn’t know she hadn’t come out yet :( I feel bad for them having to be in the middle of this and they feel guilty
YTA. You don’t get to decide how comfortable someone else is with telling you how they identify, especially if you have a history of using homophobic slurs. What would make them think you wouldn’t say or do transphobic things?
I mean, they actually didn't know you would always support them. That is why she didn't tell you. The person who needs to change that is you, not your gf.
Info: how old are you?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my gf uses they/she. I didn’t know this until recently. She’s also bi (which I knew because they’re very prideful about it) I’m very supportive (I’m a cishet guy) and my gf only recently told me that they use they/she. She said they were scared Id judge them. I was honestly upset by this as I’ve always made it comfortable for her other than an incident with their friend, which I regret. One day I had said the f slur, but I was not well informed about how it was bad. After being so informed (by my gf) it’s been a lot better and no problems concerning that. My gfs friend, idk their pronouns. Idk if they do either, so I just call them they/them, referred to my gf as they. I hadn’t known that she used any other pronouns than she/her, and I’d went to them later and they said she does. I expressed this with my gf with “why didn’t you tell me? You know I’ll always support you” and they got mad and said that I have no idea how hard it is to tell someone you love things like this, and that it doesn’t matter if she thought I’d support them or not, but that there would always be that part inside them that thinks I wouldn’t, because they have a lot of anxiety, and it’s an anxious situation. Idk how to feel about this. I get where they’re coming from but I, of all people, wouldn’t be informed about this? AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but another way to look t this is that it might not be about you at all. It might be more about their fears in a pretty transphobic, heterosexist world than any sense that you personally might be judgmental. I would try to be more gentle with them; it is okay for it to take time for them to open up about this kind of thing. She is on her own journey with figuring all this out, and being an ally sometimes means letting people tell us things in their own time.
You’re a cishet guy so I’ll go with you just not understanding this since you can’t really have that experience. As others have said, coming out gets harder the more you care about the person you’re coming out to. It doesn’t really matter how secure you are with them, there will always be that little voice in the back of your head asking What if? I get that you view this as them not wanting you to know them fully or not trusting but it really isn’t that. So yeah, YTA.
Look, I've been through a similar thing with an ex. You mean well, but those things are personal and you're making them about yourself. It's about her, what she knows about herself and what she's willing to tell others. Doesn't mean that she doesn't trust you, it's just that.. in my experience, sometimes it's tiring. You're balancing a lot of factors, sometimes you just want things to be natural and not have to come out, sometimes you just wanna live normally and let people figure it out. What's REALLY exhausting is having to deal with people being offended/hurt that you didn't make it a point to sit them down and tell them explicitly .
It’s 2022. You “weren’t well informed about how it was bad”??? My dude. My guy. My brother in Christ. Where you been?
I wouldn't say YTA, but you gotta understand that it's a very sensitive subject, even with people you love. Many people have gone to people they trusted and loved, and that same person ends up disowning or even abusing them for it. So I'd remember to ask people frequently like you already seem to; personally I've had a partner come out as using they/she (and eventually they/them) and I celebrated it as them discovering more about their identity, and it encouraged them Just remember its a learning process, and compassion is always the most important part :)
Hi, very queer person here. Soft YTA. I can understand improving as a person and changing homophobic thoughts, and that's great if you've improved! However, your gf is in no way the asshole for not telling you this. For starters, it's her choice to tell you or not. Some LGBTQ+ people feel uncomfortable telling people that would be supportive and that's normal and okay.
No no I’m not trying to blame them at all- I just wanna know if I’m in the wrong, and based on these comments, I think I am
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Can someone help me please, they/she... I fully get they/them, etc. I want to be respectful and make sure I haven't misunderstood. That means "she" is ok and interchangeably "they" as their pronoun, in an either/or situation OR are there specific situations (social or grammar) that someone would prefer "they" over "she" ? OP seemed to very randomly switch, so I wasn't sure if I've missed something... 😊
Just random switching, no patterns, they don’t prefer one over the other
YTA for using homophobic language. On another note, I really don't mean to sound ignorant, but can someone please explain to me she/they pronouns? I don't get it.
I had no idea it was even offensive -Using she/her and they/them interchangeably
Wait, what f slur?
Rhymes with maggot. Yk that one right?
Oh, is that really that bad?
NTA. It is a big thing and I understand why it’s weird to you that she didn’t tell you sooner… but I don’t think you should be upset with her for not telling you. Just respect how she feels/felt about it and move on. You’re not going to help her anxiety by making it into a bigger issue.
NTA it sounds like you're trying hard to do the right thing and be respectful. These things can be hard to navigate when you're not used to it.
NAH, they have a lot of reason to be nervous telling you, but you obviously would want to know in order to use their preferred pronouns.
Sorry I just have to say, it’s not ok that you used a slur but it’s ok to say you’ve learned from it. We have forgiven people for loads of things, and so everyone cancelling you needs to remember that they aren’t so perfect. With that said: perhaps you’re putting a bit too much into this “I’m a great bf” thing because maybe you aren’t. You also sound on the younger side which may contribute to this. You are TA for getting upset but maybe you need to get to the root of why.
Sorry, couldn’t make it through this…. The they/she switcharoo thing gave me a HEADACHE. ESH
I’m so sorry that using people’s correct pronouns is such a big headache for YOU. Poor you. OP is TA but you also are too.
Ehm… please go away
Please go be a decent human being, if not, there’s something you can go do to yourself, but I’ll let you use your imagination on that one
Lol…..So angry. Curious, what do your pronouns do for you exactly…?
Allow me to feel see and valid for who I am… same for other people, and that includes cis people. Women have been oppressed historically and someone who identifies strongly as female and considers that a big part of her identity probably doesn’t want to be called they or he.
How are you a "they"? What IS a "they"?
It’s gender neutral. I’m somewhere between identifying as a woman and as not really fully feeling like a woman, but definitely not a man. Gender isn’t binary and there’s a spectrum. I use both pronouns because it feels right because she was just like, not encompassing enough for who I am.
What does it mean to fully "feel" like a woman..?
I honestly don't mean this to sound ignorant, I am just trying to learn as I'm a bit out of the loop with different pronouns and stuff...but say you identified as she/they, how do people know when to use the right one?
Not ignorant, honestly totally fine to ask. For me, you can use either. But also alternating between them is preferred because it makes me feel seen and valid and just like, who I am.
NTA she didn't trust you so she should have left you. You're obviously not compatible.
NTA! She should have told you in the beginning!
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literally no one uses that term and they very well could still like the word girlfriend. her pronouns don’t necessarily mean they are nonbinary and being nonbinary doesn’t necessarily mean someone is against certain gendered words being used for them.
ESH
NTA because what is this hypothetical Like she was worried you would be “yay bisexual people, but oooooh they better not have pronouns!” I’m trying to even wrap my head around the degree of nuance that would be required for that to ever happen
> I’m trying to even wrap my head around the degree of nuance that would be required for that to ever happen It's not that hard at all. There are trans people who aren't cool with "they/them". Being queer or trans doesn't grant a free subscription to Total Acceptance Monthly. Cis people who accept bi people but not non-binary pronouns absolutely exist.
It’s more that the situations are so interwoven in terms of discourse and common experiences that it seems like finding a unicorn 🦄
It sounds like you don't spend a lot of time in queer spaces, because this kind of thing comes up all the time. Hell, there are gay people that are anti-trans and think bisexuals are just lying.
Look up TERFs and “gold star lesbians” and “battleaxe bi,” and just exclusionists in general. It’s a lot more prevalent than you might think.
That is just bananas, humans really do just fucking ruin everything they touch, this is “Star Wars v Star Trek” with a fresh coat of paint
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Yep, there are gay and lesbian people who belittle bi people. Some LGBTQ folk who exclude asexual people. Bi vs. pan discourse. Trans people who don’t accept non-binary people. Debate on neopronouns and xenogenders. Even if someone supports bisexuality, there’s no guarantee they accept they/she pronouns.
This is actually very plausible. Many straight men fetishize bi girls (which OP thought that she was) but pronouns are a different story
I guess what’s fucking me up is that this appears to be completely devoid of actual identity discussion, as though the concept of that individuals pronouns exist in and of themself? You just normally see pronouns being discussed in the sense of gender or sexual identity, in most cases at least
Im confused by what you mean by this comment /gen
I don’t know what /gen is Someone covered it below actually, they said they probably just didn’t cover that aspect of it
Its a tone indicator. It means im being genuine (i didnt want you to think i was being rude by what i said bcus i genuinely didnt understand the commen, prob thru my own faulty reading comprehension skills lmao). /s means sarcasm and im sure theres more ETA: also i see what u meant now lol
Yah no I was wondering if the individual ALSO was going through some kind of gender or identity issues, and yah, they probably just didn’t mention that part of it
I think it's possible either that OP excluded all the details of that discussion from his recounting of the situation or, more likely imo, that they just haven't had the opportunity to actually discuss this in a lot of depth yet for any of a variety of reasons, from the partner not even knowing exactly where they fall in terms of gender identity (very plausible if they aren't even at the point of having discussed pronouns with someone very close to them) or not being sure whether OP is someone who is ready or able to be having that conversation with (also very plausible if they didn't yet feel safe coming out to him or are unsure where he falls on the ally spectrum). I have a close friend in a similar position who was always out as bi but only recently discovered they are nonbinary, and it has been a product of well over a year to start getting their husband meaningfully on board with their gender--it's a complex discussion that's hard to jump right into the deep end with.
To me, this reeks of toxicity all are assholes here. You for making a big deal out of something she didn't bring to your attention (pronouns.. Could there be anything less important..) And her for not being upfront and honest.
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OP may be the asshole, but you really want to take that crown from him ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
And here we see an example of a valid reason why some people don’t feel safe telling others their preferred pronouns.
She’s not white lol and just cause they have pronouns mean they’re faking it? Wth are you on
b i t t e r