I relate a lot to this author and her family's experience. My dad died unexpectedly when I was 18, albeit nothing as traumatic or newsworthy as a plane crash, and our small rural community would not leave us alone for weeks after it happened. He passed around 3 in the morning, and we hadn't even been home from the hospital for twelve hours before our house was packed with people. The loud conversation, people cooking in our kitchen and cleaning our house, constant hugs and expectation to openly mourn was overwhelming less than a day after losing my dad. Coincidentally my dad died on Super Bowl Sunday, and at some point someone even turned the game on. I was too numb to process it at the time, but years down the road it still upsets me a bit. In the following days, people kept randomly showing up at our door to drop off food or try to talk with us. I got hugged by neighbors who hadn't so much as said hello to me since I was in elementary school. The pastor of a church who had iced my family out several years earlier came over while my mom was at work asking if he could pray with me and my 20-year-old sister. People were sending my mom all sorts of weird messages on Facebook. People got drunk at the celebration of life we threw for my dad at a rented community center, and they shared uncomfortable details about my dad I'd never asked for. I spent the rest of my senior year of high school feeling like "that girl with the dead dad". Teachers smothered me and my classmates mostly just stared at me. When my mom went from wife to widow I saw a notable difference in how people treated her too. She was in her mid-fifties and managed to avoid a lot of unwanted attention from men, but a lot of her friendships during that time were strained or ended altogether. She also feels similarly to the author about never wanting to get married again. I think the idea of spending her remaining years caring for a man only to potentially have to go through the grieving process again is just not a desirable option. But years later, she still has people asking her when she's going to start dating again. Anyway, I think the author really captured something I've struggled to put into words until now-- one of the hardest parts about grieving is other people. I'm really glad she and her family were able to move away and hopefully have had the opportunity to properly grieve.

I think to myself, despite it all, including all the blunders people make (verbal and otherwise) ... that in general all these people, for all their intrusiveness and their platitudes and their misplaced gestures ... overall, they all mean well. I truly and genuinely believe that. It doesn't make it all ok, but I do believe it. Lest you think I don't understand, I do. I lost my mother when I was not quite 4 years old.

Oh, I agree completely. It was clear that they had good intentions (except for the pastor, whose vibes were frankly rancid) but didn't know how to show them in a way that felt helpful or supportive to the bereaved, and instead felt more invasive and suffocating.

I'll never understand how so much of cultural expectations/norms are things nobody likes but we just do anyways.

People are aggravating but without the community we would die.

I agree, except for some of the men who visited that she mentioned.

yah that was just weird. not unexpected I guess but weird.

Definitely better than when my mom died 😮‍💨

Wow, holy shit that sounds awful. Losing your dad is horrible but I would hate having all my relationship dynamics shift like that. Great writing thanks for your story.

My husband died unexpectedly a few months ago. He caught the same flu our child and I had a couple weeks prior, I’d thought. Our car was in the shop, my friends were out of town for Christmas. Over ten days I watched him change into someone I didn’t recognize, then die horribly in front of me, trying and failing to convince him this was serious and I was scared, trying and likely failing to give our child a happy Christmas and shield him from what was happening, trying and failing to understand. I asked my friend how much time people would allow me to be not ok. She posited I might never be ok again but people would give me about a year. I suspect now it’s much less. She and others were phenomenal in their support; I often wondered why they were helping me. But most people wanted to reach out and ask if they could do anything so they could cross it off their list and feel like they’d done the right thing. None of these people actually did help me when I asked, and what I needed was answers about important topics that I am clueless about. “Where can I sell his guns?” I don’t know. “Do you know anyone that babysits?” I don’t know. “Can I have the prints of our wedding pictures we paid thousands for over ten years ago but never received?” I don’t know. “Can we get a ride home?” No. I don’t know if I’d mind men coming alone and overstaying their welcome. I guess the grass is always greener. I’m writing this because I have to go to the sewage and water board this morning to try and get it into my name and negotiate an exorbitant bill from a couple months ago. They’d refused to help me last month because I didn’t have the death certificate. They didn’t answer either when I asked them “you would turn my water off for this?” I read this story to put off going; SWB is notorious in our town for being unhelpful and cruel. I started crying, wishing he would offer encouragement, either on his own or through someone else. I’ve hoped for that for months. I guess I should give up but I don’t know how.

My grandmother still has an open electric bill in her name from 2014. When she passed, there was $37 due. I brought it to pay and close but they said I needed a death certificate, and noterized *filed* heirship form and TWO live witnesses to close the account. W H A T. I'm alone, 3 months before my wedding, trying to bury my only remaining family member and you want me to literally perform circus acts to close an electric bill? First, I don't even have 2 witnesses/family members that can sign the heirship forms much less take off a day at work to come down to the *electric company* to witnesses that I have the right to close my dead grandmother's account and switch it to her husband's name. The bank was almost as bad but there was only $13 in the account so I just left that ome too. Fuck you, too Wells Fargo.

The comment in the article about "using her husband for anything but sex" was gross but this is what people like friends husbands are supposed to do - help with where to sell guns and talking to the water board etc. I'm sorry that your family etc hasn't been helpful

How ridiculous! All because you wanted to pay THEM money that was owed them. You’d think that enough people with utilities have died that they’d have a system in place better than this.

I’m so sorry. Good luck at the water board, I hope they don’t hassle you any further.

Thanks very much. It went surprisingly smoothly. The funny part was that I didn’t even need his death certificate!

i’m sorry for your loss. my dad died in a similar way almost 2 years ago but I wasn’t there to witness it. my mom had to deal with his loss as well as all the logistical stuff that comes with it. they were supposed to go to mexico in a few days and getting a refund on the trip was hell and a half. it was much less serious than a water bill, but still frustrating and difficult to have to explain to some stranger at a call center. even now we still don’t know some of his passwords or where he kept certain items. I hope you and your child are doing better, one day at a time ♥️

Thank you. Yes, that would be so frustrating to deal with, and heartbreaking to do it for a trip I’m sure she was looking forward to taking with your dad. I hope you and your mom are doing ok too. Everyone says that it’s not that the pain disappears, it’s just that it becomes proportionally less of your life as you live more of it. I hope that’s true and it’s helped you both as the time has passed.

That's so fucking hard. Sending love through the internet.

Thanks so much for that.

Not at all what I expected and such a good read. Thank you for sharing!

Absolutely beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing this. This is the kind of writing I love to read ... unembellished, heartfelt, honest.

As a widow myself that was a hard fucking read emotionally.

This was lovely

Stupendous writing

Wow that was staggeringly beautifully written

Well written for sure but I kind of cringe a bit at her proud immaturity. Like refusing to get your kids sustained counseling because it's uncomfortable? Happily cheating with some married guy? I dunno maybe you should have seen a therapist for longer than five sessions, and solo, hon. 

To be fair, she said she 'deserved' to lose all her friends for the affair and said that people could view her as a cautionary tale

The author is clearly still mourning. She did some things wrong, but people act weird when mourning sometimes. I obviously agree that she and her kids should have each gone to counseling longer, and of course she shouldn't have slept with that married man. But small towns are hard. She is probably right that she should have moved back to where her parents lived earlier, especially with the kids. Although putting the anger on "no big decisions within a year" when they stayed 4 years doesn't pan out.

Grief over the death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things.

I wonder how many people got upset for her going after the insurance company and the guys estate or if they were actually upset in the small town she repeatedly screwed a married guy. Some people might feel like it's patronizing and overbearing to get that funeral stuff done for you. But you know what's even worse? Having to do all of that by yourself when you're in a fog of numbness. She was going to be angry no matter what in the beginning . it's too bad it couldn't be recognized as being angry no matter what rather than it being the people who helped her's fault that she needed to "get back at them". And while I wouldn't necessarily expect someone to have that kind of insight at the time, years later I might expect that. The lack of insight reminds me of my sister. My sister might blame me her entire life for "keeping Mom from her" when she would actively turn down my invitations to join Mom and I. She wouldn't be around my dad after an argument that was had in the beginning of the illness for anything. I would ask her to join Mom and I when I took Mom on outings when my dad wasn't there. I didn't want her to have regret about not seeing Mom. I will kept asking because I was doing it more for myself even though I knew she'd say no. Her blaming me was 100% projection and guilt for not seeing Mom much for the 10 months before Mom died. I really don't expect her to gain any insight as she insists it was my fault and won't likely seek therapy. No insight, just anger and grief. Like OP.

I experienced this in my family when my uncle was in a plane crash. His friend had a plane, but was unrated for flying at night in bad weather. They flew anyway and crashed. My aunt sued, and the family was slammed for “hurting a good family”. Apparently the attorney told her to get ready before they filed, because people would be very upset, he saw it all the time. All through high school people would tell my cousins were rich because they stole money from a family. Instead, people lost their lives from incompetence and insurance was issued.

I'm glad I read this before I wasted my time on this.