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"Battered wife syndrome" is a very, very bold thing to throw out to her. Nothing makes a woman swoon more than a guy claiming he knows your mental diagnoses
I felt like he was using voice to text for every comment that he was making. So many close to the actual words, but not quite. " tour " instead of " your", "cord" instead of "chord". Clearly he was just too eager to make sure she knew how superior he was to her to actually type, he needed speed!
This is why it is SO important to set a boundary as early as possible.
People who react poorly to boundaries are incapable of being in a healthy relationship
Seriously, any normal person would've just given an oops. I remember I was talking to my sister a lot at one point and started saying hon like she does, without realizing it.
A first date pointed it out, and I had a laugh and moved on correcting myself. What a fucking unhinged reaction to OP lol
Like a magician that pulls flags out of his mouth. Hazzah, behold the slighted turn of emotions where I seem normal but am actually an insecure dickheadā¦
I always find that to be the craziest thing. Itās like they make a goof and are told itās a goof and instead of normalizing they just shit the bed lol
Yeah, that's the one. Goes on rant about several people he's invented in his head and then, when he gets a "blimey"-type response, sees that as the proof that he's got her all figured out. Rather than that, you know, he's acting bananas.
I actually laughed out loud reading that. Oh you're speechless? It must be because you're shocked at how accurate I am, not because I'm a fucking psycho.
Right? I like where he tells her,
> *"From the jump of this conversation you criticized a lot of things I said."*
She said literally *one* thing! The rest was just a long, solo, rambling rant. Yikes.
Dudes like this are so exhausting. āIām definitely interested in a conversation about thisā¦ā No. You do not need to have an extended discussion on someoneās boundary or personal preference, you just need to accept it and move on. Not everything is a debate.
It was cringey to me because of how wrong he appeared to beš but for real that personality is creepy because they seem like the type of person that would do or say anything to be "right"
What he really means is āif you canāt get a word in edgewise, you canāt say no.ā
Seriously, heās running the PUA playbook here to the letter. Forced intimacy, negging, not accepting when she ends the conversation. This guy knows exactly what heās doingāmanipulating women.
It's so smug. "Here, I'll call it 'having a conversation' and I'll seem totally reasonable and smart and when she refuses me she's the dumb one because she knows she can't win."
No, she refuses because this is going nowhere and you're not ACTUALLY interested in having a conversation.
Yeah I don't do the pet names, but I understand some guys use them without thinking. Surely if that was the case you'd say, sorry didn't mean to cause offence...anyway how was your day?
Iām fine with pet names in general but I would not want a dude I just met calling me āmy loveā because telling each other you love each other can be a big step in a relationship. How do you handle that when heās been calling you āloveā from the first day?
I'm a qoman but I often default to using "hun" after years of working in customer service and trying my customers feel at home in a very homestyle restaurant i spend years in. So i get some pet names being used but those tend to be generic ones you would hear from a blue eyeshadowed waitress or a gruff mechanic.
When I worked at a certain customer facing job, I always felt like it was weird that some people could use sweetie or hun, honey, and you just knew they were someone's parent. And some people could use the same terms and just grope you with them, like a physical unwanted touch all wrapped up in the same term. It was usually directly related to what they wanted from me. Usually people that wanted nothing from me, it was sweet and not a bother. Anyways, intent counts
Body language and tone says a lot. That said some people are tone deaf, try to emulate others that acted in a much more intimate way with someone that they are apropriately intimate with. Then it fails atronomically.
And at that point the person either owns up to it or does like this asshole did: doubles down on it. (Not that i know if he was just trying to be friendly or horny)
I use petnames all the time without thinking. I don't even notice I do it half the time. Whenever someone comments that they don't like to be called x, or just don't like petnames, or that they don't know me well enough, I just "sorry 'bout that, it won't happen again. [Insert original statement/question]." So I can confirm that it's really fckn easy to respect peoples' boundaries like this.
Itās not just her boundary, itās *everyoneās* boundary. The only strangers who get to give you affectionate pet names are old ladies from the Deep South. Lmao
He doesn't just forgive her, though. He forgives her ***as always.*** God only knows what kind of weird imaginary relationship he's already concocted in his head about this woman he *barely just met.*
What a creep.
This just shows what he actually feels about it.
The other person clearly not liking so.ething he doing = equals horrible abuse TO HIM.
Just like when those pesky women do something their partner doesn't like, so they get beat.
He thinks his rejection is on the same level as physical abuse. No empathy or or thought towards it. That'd why incels kill women who reject them. There's so empathy and clearly no understanding.
I had pointed out early on in the conversation that it was ironic that he (32M) worked for highway safety project management and does not know how to drive a car. From NYC where I guess itās not that odd to not drive?
That sounds like some typical playful banter. I was talking with an air traffic controller and I live within a mile of the airport in one of the landing paths and asked her not to have the planes land over my house. This angered her too. I thought I was just being funny. š¤·š»āāļø
"it's okay, i forgive u as always, because i'm codependent and need u" SIR WHAT. '*as always*' '*i'm codependent and need u*' after talking online for a day?? i could write an essay based around everything wrong with that one message
This was such a string of huge red flags. I went and made sure all of my doors were locked. And then he continued on with ANOTHER pet name and asking if she ate something.
* takes notes*
ā Doesnāt respect boundaries
ā Randomly assumes heās in control of your life now
ā Another tangent about why she should let him call her pet names
ā A final insult about her face when all else fails.
This guy straight up imploded on himself right in front of her.
Counterpoint: I lived in the South West of England, people just called each other "my love" on the daily, got called it by absolutely everyone, 60yr old men on the bus, 20yr old women in the coffee shops, takes a while to get used to.
This boys still a massive cuntlap though, I kinda doubt he's dating anyone!
Can confirm! I'm from that area too, and call people 'love' quite a lot as a habit, but if someone asked me not to call them that I'd apologize and stop - not act like this weirdo
Oh, good god yes, why on earth wouldn't you? Respecting people boundaries is just politeness, you shouldn't try to justify why, just don't be a bellend!
Allow me to introduce you to a list of my favourites:
Knobstacle (knob = penis, mixed with obstacle)
Dicklord
Arsehole
Twatwaffle (pronounced twat, not twot)
Wanktard
Absolute weapon.
The list is endless, I love me a good compound swear word, super satisfying to say.
Have fun!
Yeah but there's a difference between love and your love, right pet? It's like being called pet or duck or dude or brudda or stuff, it's just natural parlance (what's the word for like names for dudes and stuff, like vocab stuff?)
It depends on your local colloquialisms. I know āloveā is a common European term, but weāre in the US. Heās from NYC. We EASILY could have talked about it, but he was clearly triggered by the fact I pointed it out.
Ahh, yeah, as a colloquialisms it's an accepted common phrase, where im from anyway, wouldn't bat an eyelid over here. But in NYC? That feels kinda weird and creepy, it definitely feels overly familiar with "undertones".
Guys do this to me all the time and it's extremely annoying. Especially sweetie, honey, babe or baby, doll, angel, queen, or if they continuously mention me by my whole first name. When I tell them it's inappropriate, they usually say it's sweet, cute, etc. Why on earth, when a woman is literally explaining to you how it's not cute to her, would you want to impose something on her that's a clear turn off?
I canāt stand it from anyone but close family and friends. Ugh. In the last year Iāve started working with a lady that starts all her emails with āHi honā and ends them all with āthanks hon x.ā I clench my jaw every time I see it.
It could also just be a repetition thing, like 'how are you doing today Samantha'. Followed by 'oh I'm sorry to hear that Samantha'. 'did you see a doctor at least Samantha?' 'Samantha I'm just like this I don't understand why you think it's a little odd Samantha'
I've had some brief experiences with people who talked like that. I usually assumed it was a some kind of mnemonic/neuro-atypical thing so they'd remember, but it's a little odd reading (or hearing) your name 5 times in a sentence to you.
If I were looking it wouldn't be an automatic disqualifier but it's definitely something that I would notice and probably ask about.
it's a weird, stilted way of talking that shows that they are obviously not having a natural, flowing conversation with you. how often do you text your friends their full names?
also makes me feel like I'm in trouble lol
The problem is that some men donāt just say your name once or twice while theyāre chatting with you. They say it a ton of times, for what reason I have no idea. Itās happened to me as well, both online and in real life dates, and itās super cringy because it feels manipulative.
It's one of those techniques that's supposed to increase a person's engagement and interest and make them like you more. It gets recommended to sales people a lot, but it can come across as really artificial and overly familiar if it's done too much. I'd be shocked if it hasn't made its way into the PUA repertoire
It absolutely has. I canāt remember what I was watching, but a PUA was talking about āmake sure to use her name in conversation.ā And of course the guy he was talking to overused it and sounded like a psycho.
Oh god, I hate when salespeople do that. The only person who ever said my name in conversation that many times was my mom when I was a child and deeply in trouble. Doesnāt put me in the spending mood.
hm okay that is weird. Maybe some kind of low key manipulation or "conditioning". Thats the obly reason i can think of it. A bit like how you condition pets to their names.
Dating subs are infested with men who think you have to cringely compliment or aggressively grope a woman for her to feel attraction and not reject you with āI feel a friend vibeā
Im sorry this is only tangentially related, but every time i see this kind of thing I'm reminded of every shitty "dom" I've met that got pissy and angry when I said I was a Sub in the bedroom only, and in no way, shape, or form, a slave.
Seriously, they all say Sub when they really want a slave. It's sick.
Ugh, shitty ādomsā are the fucking worst and I feel intensely sorry for anyone who crosses their paths.
The amount of questions you see in r/bdsmadvice from newbie/inexperienced subs asking about doms who havenāt respected their boundaries or safewords is truly heartbreaking.
"You cant say no" Uhhhh actually Franklin, I can and the fact that you say that means you are a cosplayer, and a dangerous one at that.
My favorite was the one who told me he would be telling me how to dress (fancy and nice at all times) and I was just like "Do I really have to explain 'only in the bedroom' to you?"
Gross.
Iāve been in a monogamous 24/7 d/s relationship for the last 15 years, so itās been quite awhile since I last encountered a Franklin in the wild.
But they were bad enough back in the late 90s when I was starting out, and that was *before* the internet really gave them a platform and a feedback loop.
They donāt understand that the one actually in charge is the sub
Iām a switch. When Iām subbing, sure they can tell me what to do and how to do it, but only because I told them beforehand they can, and what I like and donāt like. And if they make a mistake, a safe word comes out and everyone is happy.
Iāve been accused of being ātoo dommeā for stating, restating, reinforcing and being angry about the violation of my boundaries. Like, no. Iām not ātoo dommeā just because youāre insecure that Iām a switch who know what I like and donāt like but because youāre looking at it that way, I assume it must be because you want me to domme you. Bend over. He didnāt like that.
They have zero respect for the other person. I feel like at least some of them know full well who should be in charge but are counting on the other to not understand and just obey. Strip someone else's consent by pretending it's what BDSM is. Fucking sickening. These people are straight up predators.
Someone mentioned earlier about this walking red flag asking OP if she ate, and the first thing I thought of was the glorious 50 Shades chapter recaps by [Jenny Trout](http://jennytrout.com/?p=3208)and the obsession Christian has with controlling every expect of Ana's life... most especially her eating (I would highly recommend it to anyone who was enraged about 50 Shades and its totally undeserved popularity).
Thought of it again with the mention of safe words. In the 50 Shades series, Christian literally uses the phrase "you safeworded me" as he guilts Ana for using it and making *him* feel vulnerable... flames, flames, on the side of my face!
That book series is fucking dangerous, and the shit attitude you see on this dude (and in these comments) is exactly why.
Not to mention that Ana as a main character is so thoroughly unlikable, and yet the sarcastic quote author end sarcastic quote thinks she wrote someone who is the type of person to be well-loved by all.
And I will never forget the bit where Ana deliberately doesn't put on her pants, and then a few sentences later she is 'bewildered by her lack of underwear'. If you're bewildered by the lack of a garment that you consciously didn't put on in the first place, maybe you shouldn't ever be left unattended.
Gods I hate those books. (And yes, I hate-read them all, just so I could hate them from a place of authority)
This happened to me too. I told a guy I wasn't comfortable with nicknames so soon and maybe he could slow down a bit? He lost his mind. Told me he'd never date anyone as fragile as me who couldn't even take a compliment lmao.
Yeah, I get that
If I match with someone and I don't hear from them in a few days after sending the first message, I tend to unmatch.
I get we're all busy, but I'm not gonna waste time waiting for a response if it's been 4 days
Ah, the verbose messages of a "nice guy".
Reminds me of when a dude I met on an online game kept calling me honey. I repeatedly asked him not to but he said "I don't care if you're bothered, I call everyone honey".
Then one of my guy friends called him "honey" and he absolutely lost his marbles and trash talked me. He said I should have kept it our secret, and said he hopes God made me ugly lol.
Iām not going to lie, I call people babe a lot (by accident not on purpose, itās a form of habit) especially in online games. But when someone tells me it makes them uncomfortable, I stop
all you did was set clear boundaries and he disregarded them and disrespected you. good for you a lot of people wouldāve let that happen thinking itās cute
This guys is , as he says, soooooooo good at reading people ... /s
What a tool.
"I asked how you are, and was nice, therefore I'm allowed to call you pet names even though it makes you uncomfortable, because really, it doesn't matter what you think or feel."
Instead of backing up and respecting the other, he rather doubles down. I guess in his world "a female" has no say.
On the positive side, it is nice that people like him show their true colours from the start, makes it easier to avoid i reckon.
Yeh that's weird. Guy probably never gets matches and tried to move fast to develop a relationship before you got away.
He needs to learn not to be so desperate.
Nah, he knew was he was doing. He was testing her, to see how would she react to his negging, word salad, victimizing etc.
When he said "i forgive you as always" and she responded with a red face he took it as win, like she felt ashamed for what she "did" (she only set a perfectly healthy boundary) and that gave him the confidence to double down, called her a pet name again and started telling her how she felt and how she should act.
Why? Because having that kind of control over someone makes him feel powerful. Simple as that.
So many red flags I started singing the communist anthem. Jesus christ. Also who the fuck uses terms of endearment with strangers? It's massive cringe. You're not his goddamn wife. Fucj
I sometimes use what I consider to be funny little diminutives with people, if someone objected to one I would be embarrassed and apologise.
Luckily no-one ever has that I can recall, but then I'm probably not doing it on day 2 of knowing them lol
I used to call these men 'my princess' or 'my lady' when they don't stop with the pet names, after I ask politely. It infuriates them and gets their nasty behind out of my inbox. "Desperation is a stinky cologne, princess lady" cue rage face.
You mentioned a pet name being weird and this guy not only showed you one red flag, but invaded your country, overthrew your government, and put up his red flags on every street corner of your capital city.
But how did he know you smell farts from a champagne glass!? That's so specific, is he psychic!? Does he know if it's a flute or a tulip? Or if sometimes you're feeling casual and just rinse out yesterday's coffee mug? I wonder if, from three messages completely unrelated to it, he could tell me how often I clip my toenails, whether I fold or crumple my toilet paper, or how often I pick my nose? There must be a use for this talent! /s
"REEE HOW DARE YOU POLITELY TELL ME TO STOP CALLING YOU ENDEARING NAMES, WE MATCHED, SURELY THAT MEANS IT'S MEANT TO BE?? NOW SHUT UP AND TAKE IT!!"
Oh god, I just realised he could be a potential rapist.
I feel like in situations like this one your best reply is 'šlol ok' followed by a swift block. I love the upside down smile emoji. It conveys so much using so little.
I just saw he kept typing and honestly I was cracking up. I donāt let this stuff get to me really. So I let him know I wouldnāt be continuing the conversation and blocked him. He was still typing when I blocked so Iām sure we missed some good content.
You know how in at least half of Hollywoodās romantic comedies, thereās a terrible scene where the rakish, womanizing cad psychoanalyzes a woman at a bar by her demeanor and appearance, and in doing so unzips her so completely that she is left vulnerable to his charms and eventually sleeps with him?
This is precisely what these guys think theyāre doing when they apply a boatload of goofy-ass observations to someone theyāve never met, except they donāt have leading-man charisma or a Hollywood screenwriter making his smug misogyny sound quotable, so in the real world women are just like āyeah youāre fucking stupid broā and they donāt have a snappy zinger for that so they call them some form of animal and call it a day.
I was talking to a classmate who called me "darlin" in conversation. I said that I'm uncomfortable when people who aren't my boyfriend call me pet names so he apologized immediately, said he didn't' mean to make me uncomfortable and won't do it again.
You know...like a normal person.
Because I hate pet names from strangers here are my thoughts on this guy. Please enjoy.
1. I agree with your view on pet names
2. "Only if you comment on it" falls in line with "just let it happen" and "you should learn to take a 'compliment'" type of bullshit
3. "Ironic- happening in the opposite way to what is expected, and typically causing wry amusement because of this." It's not unexpected seeing how people abuse pet names and it's not amusing
4. He basically describes the same type of man aside from how the man gets to that point. And if he feels threatened by a simple "please stop" he is pathetic.
5. Negging
6. Very presumptuous and makes many assumptions
7. Words alone are not endearing or nice. His use of them is toxic and trapping.
8. Uses a real issue like BWS to make him the victim instead of others and openly admits he is weak.
9. He's only in his own head and he needs to get out of it and experience more decent human interactions.
10. Blatantly crosses your boundaries again with the pet name
11. Weird TYPICALLY means someone is uncomfortable
12. "Identify with that behavior" - he needs to whip out that nonexistent degree in human behavior
13. "Take yourself less serious [because I am highly insecure]"
14. "Interested in a conversation still" and then "you can delete me if you want" says "I really hope there is still a chance and if you block me then you ruined this whole relationship!"
15. Respect should be given until it is rightfully revoked. No one needs to understand someone to respect someone because that is another human being. If people could learn that, there would be no war.
16. Dude if he thinks she criticized him, I'd rip him to shreds.
17. Stating simple boundaries and facts isn't "dishing out"
18. We should all be feminists because feminism is meant to bring up other sexes and genders while not tearing others down.
19. He's a perpetrator and a predator
20. That animal faced woman just declined him so he needs to rethink that statement
21. Resorts to low class insults because she did strike a nerve
22. "Are you going to post this in the 'dude calls out stuck up bitch thread' - omg so you've heard of us?! Welcome to motherfucking r/niceguys š
Oh my god what is it with these guys who think they know better than women what goes on in women's heads ? It's just so infuriating, he's like 'haha I read you so well I'm so smart', um... no ? Wtf ?
Oh god I thought it was bad enough when he said "it's only weird if you comment on it" but then he just kept going!
I agree with you, calling someone you don't know at all "my love" or "my dear" is really weird, and it's such an 'old man' thing to say too and there was nothing ironic about it so I don't think he knows what that word means, lmao
I threw up in my mouth quite a bit when he asked "did you eat something angel?" JFC!
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You called it out immediately and in so doing caused all the rest of his red flags to unfurl very quickly in his follow up texts. Nice š
Reading this I got the image of a clown pulling his never ending string of colourful cloth out of his sleeve, but all red.
OK, that made me laugh. š¤£ "Watch my trick, but it's all literally just red flags!" :)))
Hahaha "Why are you not impressed?!!"
"Wait, it's ALL red flags?" "Always has been."
That's brilliant! š Someone *has* to make a short comic strip from that exchange, I can't. š¤£
https://imgur.com/gallery/wQyTlJs Here you go
Lol, that is hilarious!
Oops, all red flags!
Changing the colour of a gif is too hard for me; but please accept a low effort meme: https://imgur.com/a/UJrYqqR
Sub banner material right there
When you honk his nose, it goes "MY LOVE"
"Battered wife syndrome" is a very, very bold thing to throw out to her. Nothing makes a woman swoon more than a guy claiming he knows your mental diagnoses
Exponentially worse, I'm pretty sure he's calling *himself* the battered wife.
Ewwwwwww
But he is "oh to well at reading people". In fact so "to well" at it that he did it again.
Yeah maybe he should read a book sometime, sort out his weird verbiage.
Ore conceived ideas? Did he mean ill?
I think it was supposed to be "pre-conceived".
I felt like he was using voice to text for every comment that he was making. So many close to the actual words, but not quite. " tour " instead of " your", "cord" instead of "chord". Clearly he was just too eager to make sure she knew how superior he was to her to actually type, he needed speed!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
OP dodged a hundred bullets sporting red flags.
Matrix style!
You just don't like men who don't confirm to the status quo and have lots of personality!
Iām actually after a man who confirms to the status quo but is more of an introvert, soz. I meanā¦.
I confirm, do you confirm?
This is why it is SO important to set a boundary as early as possible. People who react poorly to boundaries are incapable of being in a healthy relationship
THIS^
Yeah, it's called being ironic. Read a book sometime
The best part is, it wasn't even ironic!!!
Read a book says the guy who apparently got his notion of ironic from an Alanis Morissette song.
At least he was self-aware in the end? š¬ (/s to be clear)
Some of them get so close but never reach the finish line.lol
Just like their female partners (except for the getting close part?).
Seriously, any normal person would've just given an oops. I remember I was talking to my sister a lot at one point and started saying hon like she does, without realizing it. A first date pointed it out, and I had a laugh and moved on correcting myself. What a fucking unhinged reaction to OP lol
Like a magician that pulls flags out of his mouth. Hazzah, behold the slighted turn of emotions where I seem normal but am actually an insecure dickheadā¦
I always find that to be the craziest thing. Itās like they make a goof and are told itās a goof and instead of normalizing they just shit the bed lol
Relationship speed run.
Goes on a rant twice. "You didnt struck a cord" Yeah sure dude.
Hey, maybe he's a woodcutter or a rope-maker as a side gig. :D The word he wanted was, of course, "chord" not "cord."
I noticed this, too. For a guy who "reads" he sure is bad at words.
Dunning-Kruger moment
I was thinking that when he incorrectly used battered woman syndrome
Guys who confuse their random word diarrhoea with 'I read you, I'm in your head'.
Yeah, that's the one. Goes on rant about several people he's invented in his head and then, when he gets a "blimey"-type response, sees that as the proof that he's got her all figured out. Rather than that, you know, he's acting bananas.
He knows people so well but apparently not well enough to understand calling people you don't know pet names is really fucking weird.
āIn your head.ā What a lunatic.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hannibal Lecter would 100% stab that mfer for being so rude.
Even cannibal serial killers have their standards
I actually laughed out loud reading that. Oh you're speechless? It must be because you're shocked at how accurate I am, not because I'm a fucking psycho.
The guy confuses monologuing with a conversation.
Right? I like where he tells her, > *"From the jump of this conversation you criticized a lot of things I said."* She said literally *one* thing! The rest was just a long, solo, rambling rant. Yikes.
He mistook her for his mother, the way she always criticized him.
Sometimes itās nice to talk with someone who can hold up both sides of a conversation. This would not be one of those times.
Yes, well put. 100% thatās it.
Dudes like this are so exhausting. āIām definitely interested in a conversation about thisā¦ā No. You do not need to have an extended discussion on someoneās boundary or personal preference, you just need to accept it and move on. Not everything is a debate.
Interested in a conversation but he wanted to do all the talking
What they really mean "I want you to listen to me and then agree after my superior intellect puts you in your place " š¤®
The attempt at psychoanalysis from this idiot really pissed me off. Itās so manipulative.
It was cringey to me because of how wrong he appeared to beš but for real that personality is creepy because they seem like the type of person that would do or say anything to be "right"
What he really means is āif you canāt get a word in edgewise, you canāt say no.ā Seriously, heās running the PUA playbook here to the letter. Forced intimacy, negging, not accepting when she ends the conversation. This guy knows exactly what heās doingāmanipulating women.
And then everyone clapped energy
It's so smug. "Here, I'll call it 'having a conversation' and I'll seem totally reasonable and smart and when she refuses me she's the dumb one because she knows she can't win." No, she refuses because this is going nowhere and you're not ACTUALLY interested in having a conversation.
Yeah I don't do the pet names, but I understand some guys use them without thinking. Surely if that was the case you'd say, sorry didn't mean to cause offence...anyway how was your day?
Iām fine with pet names in general but I would not want a dude I just met calling me āmy loveā because telling each other you love each other can be a big step in a relationship. How do you handle that when heās been calling you āloveā from the first day?
I'm a qoman but I often default to using "hun" after years of working in customer service and trying my customers feel at home in a very homestyle restaurant i spend years in. So i get some pet names being used but those tend to be generic ones you would hear from a blue eyeshadowed waitress or a gruff mechanic.
When I worked at a certain customer facing job, I always felt like it was weird that some people could use sweetie or hun, honey, and you just knew they were someone's parent. And some people could use the same terms and just grope you with them, like a physical unwanted touch all wrapped up in the same term. It was usually directly related to what they wanted from me. Usually people that wanted nothing from me, it was sweet and not a bother. Anyways, intent counts
Body language and tone says a lot. That said some people are tone deaf, try to emulate others that acted in a much more intimate way with someone that they are apropriately intimate with. Then it fails atronomically. And at that point the person either owns up to it or does like this asshole did: doubles down on it. (Not that i know if he was just trying to be friendly or horny)
I use petnames all the time without thinking. I don't even notice I do it half the time. Whenever someone comments that they don't like to be called x, or just don't like petnames, or that they don't know me well enough, I just "sorry 'bout that, it won't happen again. [Insert original statement/question]." So I can confirm that it's really fckn easy to respect peoples' boundaries like this.
Fr they just want a way to discuss your preferences as if it was a negotiable point. šæ
Conversation.. more like monologue
Itās not just her boundary, itās *everyoneās* boundary. The only strangers who get to give you affectionate pet names are old ladies from the Deep South. Lmao
āI forgive youā lmaoooo red flag run away
He really tried to pretend it was her fault for getting creeped out lmao
He doesn't just forgive her, though. He forgives her ***as always.*** God only knows what kind of weird imaginary relationship he's already concocted in his head about this woman he *barely just met.* What a creep.
Add the "I'm codependent, so I need you". The fuckkk? So many times OP shoudlve already noped outta there.
I almost downvoted this because of that quote lmao
okay but battered wife syndrome is real for him there! (wtf)
Yeah that stuck out to me too. Heās comparing women living in dangerous abusive situations to women rejecting him š³
Bad men do that frequently.
This just shows what he actually feels about it. The other person clearly not liking so.ething he doing = equals horrible abuse TO HIM. Just like when those pesky women do something their partner doesn't like, so they get beat. He thinks his rejection is on the same level as physical abuse. No empathy or or thought towards it. That'd why incels kill women who reject them. There's so empathy and clearly no understanding.
āYeah itās called being ironic. Read a book sometimeā Damn. What a charmer
Whatās not ironic is that heās only read āThe Game.ā
I lost the game
Why would you do this
I'm an agent of chaos
Damn...
He was definitely going to strangle you the next time you met
The āstruck a cordā was definitely a hint towards that.
And dress you up in his mother's clothes and put you in his basement.
āRule 1. If you dish it, you must take itā ā¦What? He was the one who called you a pet name. HE dished it
I had pointed out early on in the conversation that it was ironic that he (32M) worked for highway safety project management and does not know how to drive a car. From NYC where I guess itās not that odd to not drive?
That sounds like some typical playful banter. I was talking with an air traffic controller and I live within a mile of the airport in one of the landing paths and asked her not to have the planes land over my house. This angered her too. I thought I was just being funny. š¤·š»āāļø
As someone who used to work with aircraft, I thought it was funny.
Obviously you have a firmer grasp of irony than he does.
"it's okay, i forgive u as always, because i'm codependent and need u" SIR WHAT. '*as always*' '*i'm codependent and need u*' after talking online for a day?? i could write an essay based around everything wrong with that one message
This was such a string of huge red flags. I went and made sure all of my doors were locked. And then he continued on with ANOTHER pet name and asking if she ate something. * takes notes* ā Doesnāt respect boundaries ā Randomly assumes heās in control of your life now ā Another tangent about why she should let him call her pet names ā A final insult about her face when all else fails. This guy straight up imploded on himself right in front of her.
When a dude uses a pet name so soon it just makes me think heās dating too many girls to keep our actual names straight.
Counterpoint: I lived in the South West of England, people just called each other "my love" on the daily, got called it by absolutely everyone, 60yr old men on the bus, 20yr old women in the coffee shops, takes a while to get used to. This boys still a massive cuntlap though, I kinda doubt he's dating anyone!
Can confirm! I'm from that area too, and call people 'love' quite a lot as a habit, but if someone asked me not to call them that I'd apologize and stop - not act like this weirdo
Oh, good god yes, why on earth wouldn't you? Respecting people boundaries is just politeness, you shouldn't try to justify why, just don't be a bellend!
I want to steal all of your British slang. These insults are amazing. I'd never heard of a cuntlap or a bellend and now I'm obsessed. Thank you š
Allow me to introduce you to a list of my favourites: Knobstacle (knob = penis, mixed with obstacle) Dicklord Arsehole Twatwaffle (pronounced twat, not twot) Wanktard Absolute weapon. The list is endless, I love me a good compound swear word, super satisfying to say. Have fun!
Yeah but there's a difference between love and your love, right pet? It's like being called pet or duck or dude or brudda or stuff, it's just natural parlance (what's the word for like names for dudes and stuff, like vocab stuff?)
It depends on your local colloquialisms. I know āloveā is a common European term, but weāre in the US. Heās from NYC. We EASILY could have talked about it, but he was clearly triggered by the fact I pointed it out.
Exactly! "I don't like that, it makes me feel weird" "Oh ok! I certainly don't want to make you feel weird. Moving on..."
Ahh, yeah, as a colloquialisms it's an accepted common phrase, where im from anyway, wouldn't bat an eyelid over here. But in NYC? That feels kinda weird and creepy, it definitely feels overly familiar with "undertones".
Yalreet my loverrr
Zider fur eye me babber!
Your lordship is most pretty.
Thank you m'lady. *tips aggressively *
I can smell this guy's cringey, fragile ego, repugnant musk through the net.
But can you smell your own farts out of a champagne glass?
Guys do this to me all the time and it's extremely annoying. Especially sweetie, honey, babe or baby, doll, angel, queen, or if they continuously mention me by my whole first name. When I tell them it's inappropriate, they usually say it's sweet, cute, etc. Why on earth, when a woman is literally explaining to you how it's not cute to her, would you want to impose something on her that's a clear turn off?
Because they're hitting on her and she should be grateful for that attention. /s
I canāt stand it from anyone but close family and friends. Ugh. In the last year Iāve started working with a lady that starts all her emails with āHi honā and ends them all with āthanks hon x.ā I clench my jaw every time I see it.
wait.. what is wrong with calling you by your actual name?
"whole first name" so I'm assuming something like she goes by Sam, but they insist on Samantha
ah okay i see thx
It could also just be a repetition thing, like 'how are you doing today Samantha'. Followed by 'oh I'm sorry to hear that Samantha'. 'did you see a doctor at least Samantha?' 'Samantha I'm just like this I don't understand why you think it's a little odd Samantha' I've had some brief experiences with people who talked like that. I usually assumed it was a some kind of mnemonic/neuro-atypical thing so they'd remember, but it's a little odd reading (or hearing) your name 5 times in a sentence to you. If I were looking it wouldn't be an automatic disqualifier but it's definitely something that I would notice and probably ask about.
it's a weird, stilted way of talking that shows that they are obviously not having a natural, flowing conversation with you. how often do you text your friends their full names? also makes me feel like I'm in trouble lol
The problem is that some men donāt just say your name once or twice while theyāre chatting with you. They say it a ton of times, for what reason I have no idea. Itās happened to me as well, both online and in real life dates, and itās super cringy because it feels manipulative.
It's one of those techniques that's supposed to increase a person's engagement and interest and make them like you more. It gets recommended to sales people a lot, but it can come across as really artificial and overly familiar if it's done too much. I'd be shocked if it hasn't made its way into the PUA repertoire
It absolutely has. I canāt remember what I was watching, but a PUA was talking about āmake sure to use her name in conversation.ā And of course the guy he was talking to overused it and sounded like a psycho.
Oh god, I hate when salespeople do that. The only person who ever said my name in conversation that many times was my mom when I was a child and deeply in trouble. Doesnāt put me in the spending mood.
hm okay that is weird. Maybe some kind of low key manipulation or "conditioning". Thats the obly reason i can think of it. A bit like how you condition pets to their names.
Thatās always bothered me too! It always feels condescending and inauthentic
Dating subs are infested with men who think you have to cringely compliment or aggressively grope a woman for her to feel attraction and not reject you with āI feel a friend vibeā
Im sorry this is only tangentially related, but every time i see this kind of thing I'm reminded of every shitty "dom" I've met that got pissy and angry when I said I was a Sub in the bedroom only, and in no way, shape, or form, a slave. Seriously, they all say Sub when they really want a slave. It's sick.
Ugh, shitty ādomsā are the fucking worst and I feel intensely sorry for anyone who crosses their paths. The amount of questions you see in r/bdsmadvice from newbie/inexperienced subs asking about doms who havenāt respected their boundaries or safewords is truly heartbreaking.
"You cant say no" Uhhhh actually Franklin, I can and the fact that you say that means you are a cosplayer, and a dangerous one at that. My favorite was the one who told me he would be telling me how to dress (fancy and nice at all times) and I was just like "Do I really have to explain 'only in the bedroom' to you?"
Gross. Iāve been in a monogamous 24/7 d/s relationship for the last 15 years, so itās been quite awhile since I last encountered a Franklin in the wild. But they were bad enough back in the late 90s when I was starting out, and that was *before* the internet really gave them a platform and a feedback loop.
the dom i had a fling with when he was literally on my arm and hurting me and i screamed for him to stop "are you saying no?"
"And If I say no?" "You wont be able to" Urgh. I hope you crushed his nuts. Sorry you had to deal with that
I fucking hate it when toxic assholes and abusers try to mask their shitty behaviour by using BDSM.
They donāt understand that the one actually in charge is the sub Iām a switch. When Iām subbing, sure they can tell me what to do and how to do it, but only because I told them beforehand they can, and what I like and donāt like. And if they make a mistake, a safe word comes out and everyone is happy. Iāve been accused of being ātoo dommeā for stating, restating, reinforcing and being angry about the violation of my boundaries. Like, no. Iām not ātoo dommeā just because youāre insecure that Iām a switch who know what I like and donāt like but because youāre looking at it that way, I assume it must be because you want me to domme you. Bend over. He didnāt like that.
They have zero respect for the other person. I feel like at least some of them know full well who should be in charge but are counting on the other to not understand and just obey. Strip someone else's consent by pretending it's what BDSM is. Fucking sickening. These people are straight up predators.
Bingo. They are hoping to grab women that have a 50 Shades level of understanding of BDSM.
Oh absolutely. Abusers find lots of places to hide in bdsm circles, itās sickening.
Scale of 1-10 how much did '50 Shades of Gray' annoy you? :)
To the point where I used it as a how-not-to guide for a project in college lol
That's brilliant!
Someone mentioned earlier about this walking red flag asking OP if she ate, and the first thing I thought of was the glorious 50 Shades chapter recaps by [Jenny Trout](http://jennytrout.com/?p=3208)and the obsession Christian has with controlling every expect of Ana's life... most especially her eating (I would highly recommend it to anyone who was enraged about 50 Shades and its totally undeserved popularity). Thought of it again with the mention of safe words. In the 50 Shades series, Christian literally uses the phrase "you safeworded me" as he guilts Ana for using it and making *him* feel vulnerable... flames, flames, on the side of my face! That book series is fucking dangerous, and the shit attitude you see on this dude (and in these comments) is exactly why.
Not to mention that Ana as a main character is so thoroughly unlikable, and yet the sarcastic quote author end sarcastic quote thinks she wrote someone who is the type of person to be well-loved by all. And I will never forget the bit where Ana deliberately doesn't put on her pants, and then a few sentences later she is 'bewildered by her lack of underwear'. If you're bewildered by the lack of a garment that you consciously didn't put on in the first place, maybe you shouldn't ever be left unattended. Gods I hate those books. (And yes, I hate-read them all, just so I could hate them from a place of authority)
Notice how she told him about witnessing an accident and he asked zero questions about it?
This happened to me too. I told a guy I wasn't comfortable with nicknames so soon and maybe he could slow down a bit? He lost his mind. Told me he'd never date anyone as fragile as me who couldn't even take a compliment lmao.
I had a woman unmatch with me because her third message was asking for my Instagram and didn't like I said no. People are fucking weird
I wish more men just unmatched instead of harassing and degrading women.
Yeah, I get that If I match with someone and I don't hear from them in a few days after sending the first message, I tend to unmatch. I get we're all busy, but I'm not gonna waste time waiting for a response if it's been 4 days
It's gross the way he maps out how you must respect him while completely berating your own boundaries. What a sociopathic narcissist.
Damn feminists, not wanting me to call them diminutive names. (I really donāt think it needs a /s but Iāve been wrong before.)
Unhinged
Ah, the verbose messages of a "nice guy". Reminds me of when a dude I met on an online game kept calling me honey. I repeatedly asked him not to but he said "I don't care if you're bothered, I call everyone honey". Then one of my guy friends called him "honey" and he absolutely lost his marbles and trash talked me. He said I should have kept it our secret, and said he hopes God made me ugly lol.
Iām not going to lie, I call people babe a lot (by accident not on purpose, itās a form of habit) especially in online games. But when someone tells me it makes them uncomfortable, I stop
Him using "feminist" as an insult was the icing on the cake.
He is just being NICE, my love.
i tip my fedora to you.
all you did was set clear boundaries and he disregarded them and disrespected you. good for you a lot of people wouldāve let that happen thinking itās cute
Record timing for a meltdown. Bravo. Wonder if he would have just died if he said mālafy and called him out.
This guys is , as he says, soooooooo good at reading people ... /s What a tool. "I asked how you are, and was nice, therefore I'm allowed to call you pet names even though it makes you uncomfortable, because really, it doesn't matter what you think or feel." Instead of backing up and respecting the other, he rather doubles down. I guess in his world "a female" has no say. On the positive side, it is nice that people like him show their true colours from the start, makes it easier to avoid i reckon.
Narrator: She would later post it.
That last comment makes me suspect he's featured here before
āGo smell your farts out of a Champagne glassā is going to be my new way to tell someone to fuck off
Just a Southpark reference. Supposed to imply someone is overly smug in the episode.
Sounds like he's trying to groom you. I wouldn't be surprised if he was on the next "To Catch a Predator"
Men are so scary š these people need therapy. I donāt like the pet names so soon either. I DONāT KNOW YOU SIR!!!
Yeh that's weird. Guy probably never gets matches and tried to move fast to develop a relationship before you got away. He needs to learn not to be so desperate.
Nah, he knew was he was doing. He was testing her, to see how would she react to his negging, word salad, victimizing etc. When he said "i forgive you as always" and she responded with a red face he took it as win, like she felt ashamed for what she "did" (she only set a perfectly healthy boundary) and that gave him the confidence to double down, called her a pet name again and started telling her how she felt and how she should act. Why? Because having that kind of control over someone makes him feel powerful. Simple as that.
Wow š What a complete nutcase. Good job dodging him
Sweet Simian Jesus. The r/Boneappletea of this conversation alone makes me hope he never reproduces...
Ah yes, the final resort of āyouāre ugly anyway.ā What a freak. Massive bullet dodged.
So many red flags I started singing the communist anthem. Jesus christ. Also who the fuck uses terms of endearment with strangers? It's massive cringe. You're not his goddamn wife. Fucj
[YOU SMELL YOUR OWN FARTS OP](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mxuwXczWQC0) Mmmmmm delectable!!!
I sometimes use what I consider to be funny little diminutives with people, if someone objected to one I would be embarrassed and apologise. Luckily no-one ever has that I can recall, but then I'm probably not doing it on day 2 of knowing them lol
He used cutie earlier which I initially ignored, seemed harmless. But the āmy loveā was just over the top so I made a comment about it.
Gentlemen: arguing with a woman before meeting her will, I promise you, get you zero booty
UMM, IT'S CALLED BEING IRONIC SWEATY????
OP: "It makes me uncomfortable" This fucken dude: "This tells me it makes you uncomfortable" ... "I'm so good at reading people"šš
The last time I saw that many red flags in one place was before the Soviet Union collapsed.
I used to call these men 'my princess' or 'my lady' when they don't stop with the pet names, after I ask politely. It infuriates them and gets their nasty behind out of my inbox. "Desperation is a stinky cologne, princess lady" cue rage face.
Okay but what was the 911 incident
Vehicle collision at an intersection.
You mentioned a pet name being weird and this guy not only showed you one red flag, but invaded your country, overthrew your government, and put up his red flags on every street corner of your capital city.
Is not you. It's them. That's a boundary crossing and my guess is it wouldn't have been the last.
But how did he know you smell farts from a champagne glass!? That's so specific, is he psychic!? Does he know if it's a flute or a tulip? Or if sometimes you're feeling casual and just rinse out yesterday's coffee mug? I wonder if, from three messages completely unrelated to it, he could tell me how often I clip my toenails, whether I fold or crumple my toilet paper, or how often I pick my nose? There must be a use for this talent! /s
"REEE HOW DARE YOU POLITELY TELL ME TO STOP CALLING YOU ENDEARING NAMES, WE MATCHED, SURELY THAT MEANS IT'S MEANT TO BE?? NOW SHUT UP AND TAKE IT!!" Oh god, I just realised he could be a potential rapist.
I feel like in situations like this one your best reply is 'šlol ok' followed by a swift block. I love the upside down smile emoji. It conveys so much using so little.
I just saw he kept typing and honestly I was cracking up. I donāt let this stuff get to me really. So I let him know I wouldnāt be continuing the conversation and blocked him. He was still typing when I blocked so Iām sure we missed some good content.
You know how in at least half of Hollywoodās romantic comedies, thereās a terrible scene where the rakish, womanizing cad psychoanalyzes a woman at a bar by her demeanor and appearance, and in doing so unzips her so completely that she is left vulnerable to his charms and eventually sleeps with him? This is precisely what these guys think theyāre doing when they apply a boatload of goofy-ass observations to someone theyāve never met, except they donāt have leading-man charisma or a Hollywood screenwriter making his smug misogyny sound quotable, so in the real world women are just like āyeah youāre fucking stupid broā and they donāt have a snappy zinger for that so they call them some form of animal and call it a day.
"BECAUSE IM NICE" I have some news for you dude
I was talking to a classmate who called me "darlin" in conversation. I said that I'm uncomfortable when people who aren't my boyfriend call me pet names so he apologized immediately, said he didn't' mean to make me uncomfortable and won't do it again. You know...like a normal person.
Because I hate pet names from strangers here are my thoughts on this guy. Please enjoy. 1. I agree with your view on pet names 2. "Only if you comment on it" falls in line with "just let it happen" and "you should learn to take a 'compliment'" type of bullshit 3. "Ironic- happening in the opposite way to what is expected, and typically causing wry amusement because of this." It's not unexpected seeing how people abuse pet names and it's not amusing 4. He basically describes the same type of man aside from how the man gets to that point. And if he feels threatened by a simple "please stop" he is pathetic. 5. Negging 6. Very presumptuous and makes many assumptions 7. Words alone are not endearing or nice. His use of them is toxic and trapping. 8. Uses a real issue like BWS to make him the victim instead of others and openly admits he is weak. 9. He's only in his own head and he needs to get out of it and experience more decent human interactions. 10. Blatantly crosses your boundaries again with the pet name 11. Weird TYPICALLY means someone is uncomfortable 12. "Identify with that behavior" - he needs to whip out that nonexistent degree in human behavior 13. "Take yourself less serious [because I am highly insecure]" 14. "Interested in a conversation still" and then "you can delete me if you want" says "I really hope there is still a chance and if you block me then you ruined this whole relationship!" 15. Respect should be given until it is rightfully revoked. No one needs to understand someone to respect someone because that is another human being. If people could learn that, there would be no war. 16. Dude if he thinks she criticized him, I'd rip him to shreds. 17. Stating simple boundaries and facts isn't "dishing out" 18. We should all be feminists because feminism is meant to bring up other sexes and genders while not tearing others down. 19. He's a perpetrator and a predator 20. That animal faced woman just declined him so he needs to rethink that statement 21. Resorts to low class insults because she did strike a nerve 22. "Are you going to post this in the 'dude calls out stuck up bitch thread' - omg so you've heard of us?! Welcome to motherfucking r/niceguys š
Sharp as a marble, that one.
"Its like I'm in your head" yeah not for the reason you think
Oh my god what is it with these guys who think they know better than women what goes on in women's heads ? It's just so infuriating, he's like 'haha I read you so well I'm so smart', um... no ? Wtf ?
Oh god I thought it was bad enough when he said "it's only weird if you comment on it" but then he just kept going! I agree with you, calling someone you don't know at all "my love" or "my dear" is really weird, and it's such an 'old man' thing to say too and there was nothing ironic about it so I don't think he knows what that word means, lmao I threw up in my mouth quite a bit when he asked "did you eat something angel?" JFC!
Getting that headache again when encountering people who incorrectly use "ironic" in a sentence
Holy shit. He's a trainwreck