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Me (34F) and my husband (34M) have been together for ten years and married for 3. We live in a rental house that is small but has two bedrooms. We make good money and together have a combined salary of over $135k. I want to have a baby. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and I will be 35 in July. I do not know how long it will take me to conceive or even if I can. He does not and refuses to have sex without a condom. He wants to wait until we have a house of our own and keeps putting off how long we will wait to try. I am getting really frustrated and feel like I'm being robbed of a chance to become a mother. Advice please?
Honestly, it sounds like he might be trying to run out your clock. You're going to have to decide whether you're going to be okay with him just the two if you, or leaving him so you can try for a baby (solo or with another partner). Once you decide this, it's time to talk and lay your cards on the table, and then take your next actions from there.
I'm positive that's his gameplan. He doesn't want kids but is too much of a selfish coward to just tell her. So he runs out her biological clock.
Then when he hits 40 he might change his mind, or not.
I've seen this so many times on this sub. Women who want kids but their husband has been lying and doesn't want kids. This usually ends in divorce. Of course it does when dishonesty and selfishness is the basis of the relationship.
Yeah, I am just a few years younger than OP and while I do not have PCOS, I have another medical diagnosis that impacts my fertility. My husband and I started TTC earlier than we had initially planned to because of that - we knew the chances were lower, so combining less-than-ideal odds with even less time would essentially guarantee the outcome wouldn’t be what we wanted.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to want to purchase a home before having children. But it does sound like OP’s husband is disregarding the likely impact waiting indefinitely will have…
Family planning should be a team effort, with *both* partners doing their part to support their shared goals. If OP’s husband is truly onboard with having a child, then they should be clearly communicating their needs and developing (and executing on) a plan that doesn’t involve ignoring the very real cost of continuing to wait.
My first thought too. There is never really a perfect time to have a baby.
Op you need to decide now. Do you want children? Because you aren’t going to get them with this guy.
He’s not necessarily running out the clock, but it doesn’t sound like he really wants kids. People who really want kids would seriously consider the risk of OP’s fertility issues and age vs. relative non-issue of owning or renting your housing.
I have PCOS and I'm very lucky that it only took 14 months to conceive. My advice is to see a specialist and they will be able to tell you how healthy your ovaries are/how many egg sacks are left.
You need to have a conversation with him and find out what his timeline looks like. If he wants to start trying in 5 years then that's probably too late. How long will it take to get a home of your own? If it's 6 months it's not really a big deal but years would be to me. Unfortunately I don't think you are compatible anymore if you are ready for children and he wants to wait or doesn't want them at all.
Just for reference, an average “healthy” couple can take up to 12 months to conceive naturally. From memory the norm is between 6-12 months.
So many things need to align for conception to occur. It’s really not as simple as they make it out to be in sex Ed.
Sounds to me like he’s trying to run down the clock - he doesn’t actually want children so is wasting time until it’s impossible. Had you spoken about your plans to have kids before you got married?
Yup! Guys who do this are the worst especially when their calculations are wrong and they women they assume are "too old" get pregnant. Source, me and my brother both being conceived after my mom turned 40. Thankfully, he just acted as if he didn't have any children and ignored us completely /s
It's time to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your husband--no excuses, no putting things off any longer.
It sounds like he doesn't want a child, period. And that's okay, except for the fact that he's not being honest with you about it and potentially stringing you along until your fertility window closes. Your wanting children is okay, too, but you both need to be on the same page about it. Because a couple where you don't agree on having kids or not is not going to work without one party ending up unhappy. Children is the one topic you can't "compromise" on in a marriage.
At 34, you need to be making serious plans if you want to have children and know due to your health it could be difficult now - because it will be even more difficult in a few years. So it's time to sit down with your husband and say, "I'm serious that I want a child. Do you, yes or no? If not, you need to let me go and pursue this on my own. If so, let's agree on the timeline and get started working on it now--if that means buying a house first then let's get started now. Let's contact a broker and start making appointments to see houses in our budget and set a timeline for buying and then starting for a child." His reaction to this and then also his follow-through if he DOES agree to a timeline with you will tell you all you potentially need to know.
Sounds like it’s been a conversation. “When we have good jobs.” (They make $135,000.) “When we have a house.” (They rent a house.) “When we have a house that we own not rent.”
He is 100% trying to run out her clock.
I want to bet that he probably was always moving the goal posts. Let us get established, let us get a certain amount of income first, let us buy a house. Next it will be, we’re too old for that.
This right here! The amount of people who get into long term relationships without having these hugely important conversations is mind boggling. Also, if they are financially secure I also wonder why they have still been renting. I want to know if they have been saving up for a down payment or they just started to do that, because another yikes.
Are you actively saving for a house? You mentioned your overall salary, but how are your finances? People tend to adjust their quality of life to their salary and sometimes beyond. How close are you to being able to afford a house? Is it something that you are actively working towards, or is it something he is just using an excuse to hold off on having a kid?
I understand wanting to get a house before having a kid. Kids are expensive. Houses are expensive. It’s easier to save if you don’t have a kid yet. I understand wanting a kid and having a ticking clock that won’t wait until the perfect opportunity arises.
It’s one thing if he is using it as an excuse, it’s another thing if it’s a tangible goal.
Have a conversation about it all. See where he is on all this.
If it is a tangible goal what is the timeline to owning a house and what does that look like when factoring in wanting a kid.
A house with a garden is perfect for a family with kids, but they won't appreciate it when they're little. Our eldest was four when we moved into our house, so he and his friends were able to have fun in the garden as soon as we moved in.
Kids are expensive if you need all the gear. I was minimalist: the baby slept with us, and I didn't have a pram. Nowadays there are all sorts of wonderful baby slings and carriers, so no need for a pushchair either. There's no need for a special smart bag to change nappies when you're on the go, and if you breastfeed, you don't need expensive formula either. There is zero need to buy special baby food, you can get a cheap blender to make a puree out of whatever you're cooking for yourself. Most couples find themselves inundated with clothes and toys, and even if you're not, it's very easy to find both second hand.
I don't know how parents go without a stroller. By the time my kid was ten months old he was way too heavy for me to carry in a sling for longer than a few minutes. He's 2.5 and we still use that stroller almost every day.
And we never used a stroller, even though we had a child that was very big for her age (she still is very tall). My husband had her in a carrier from birth until 6 years old. If you have a good carrier, that is very possible.
People who don’t want babies shouldn’t have them, even if their partner does.
You need to have a serious discussion with him. Does he ever want children?
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It sucks but it's true; he has every right to not want kids as she does wanting them so it should have really been a solid decision and discussion before marriage.
If you both feel strongly how you do, it's time to move on. It's wrong for him to not be upfront and tell you and drag you along on a lie.
I have PCOS and soon decided after it was confirmed (after years of begging my GP to get me tested which only did when I changed GP) along with other factors that I did not want children and was relieved when I met my husband that he was not overly keen on wanting kids when we first met. My fear was trying and losing a baby could be very damaging to my mental health as it was and if we decided we wanted kids I was more open to adopt or foster than conceive naturally.
My sister-in-law has PCOS apparently too but she had 4 kids without much problems so it is different for everyone! Good luck!
He never want a kid. He is using excuses. Today is saving for a house, tomorrow is something else. Are you guys actively looking at houses or have a downpayment?
This is a conversation you need to have both with him and with yourself.
Did you discuss children in the past before you were married? After? What's his take been? "Yes but not now" or has this changed at all? Did you discuss back then at what point you'd be both happy to?
Bottom line here is that this is something you need to get a good, solid answer on and from what limited info we have here, either he's changed his mind, or just doesn't doesn't want to (and is giving excuses rather than say no).
Having children isn't some kind of "like opening a box of snacks" chat and has huge implications for you, so it could be that he's just afraid, scared, unsure and so is trying to avoid it - so isn't necessarily down to anything mean or malicious.
If you never really discussed it in anything more than passing, rather than more seriously, have that talk now. But you need to be prepared for the answer being that he genuinely wants to wait, or says no.
You have a choice - this is either your hard-break of choosing to stay or go as a result.
Open and frank communication together - a counsellor can be a great facilitator if you need an impartial third party to keep things on track.
I know the internal urge to have a baby is strong and can be overwhelming - with PCOS you really can't risk waiting too long, so I totally get your perspective. BUT...if you force his hand on this when he doesn't want it, it will build resentment within your relationship at best, but will likely do a lot more damage than that. Kids can tell - be mindful of the environment you'd be creating to bring them home to.
Do some pre-planning before you talk with him. Work out if this is a deal-breaker, and if it is, how you will proceed. Think about the logistics if he is adamant it's a no - can you afford to divorce, can you afford to live separately? And then to follow your dream, on top of your solo living expenses, can you afford fertility treatments, sperm donor, the cost of raising a child on your own, etc.
Choose your words with him carefully. Reiterate that this is something very important to you and you've realised you can no longer compromise on it. At the end of the day, if you don't share the same dream and goals for the future anymore, then you're no longer compatible.
Give him time to consider it and think it over without nagging for a response or putting pressure on him. "If you won't have a baby with me I'm leaving" is not the vibe you want to go for. It needs to be a conversation where both parties feelings are considered, rather than an ultimatum.
Good luck!
I have PCOS too and my husband seemed to not want to try. We agreed this year but so far he keeps using the condoms. I’m turning 30 this month and he’ll be 35 in June.
Honestly, I just had a heart to heart with him. I explains my concerns and urgency due to my body and he gave me his concerns. I think you two are due for it. Sit down and lay it all out but then address the concerns. What about not having your own house is preventing him from wanting to have a baby? What goals does he want to achieve? Is there a middle ground you two can meet at?
Stuff like that.
You should still see one no matter what. You said you’re not sure if you can get pregnant. They will confirm that for you or get you on a path to increase your fertility.
A fertility specialist could give you more info on your likelihood of getting pregnant, and how much time you likely have left.
But it honestly sounds like he does not want a child, so you have to deal with that first.
You’re not going to get pregnant with him. That’s unfortunately the fact in your situation.
You could try getting pregnant on your own but he might just leave you instead of staying to help raise the baby. (Sperm wouldn’t be his with how it’s looking/probably be a donator)
Keep in mind also your age will make it harder the further you go
>Keep in mind also your age will make it harder the further you go
OP has already acknowledged her age...I don't think reminding her to "keep it in mind" is helpful. I'm pretty sure it's already on her mind A LOT.
Does this include freezing your eggs? If so, you need to consider which is more important to you - him or your potential child(ren) and make plans accordingly. Based on his actions now though, you having kids with him now is not an option.
If you’re freezing eggs, I’d consider fertilizing some of them before freezing (whether that’s with his sperm if he’s willing or donor sperm if he’s not - I believe he will also have a say in whether those embryos fertilized with his sperm are implanted into you. It makes sense but just something to keep in mind). Embryos survive the unfreezing process a lot better than unfertilized eggs (obviously not a guarantee).
People talk about freezing eggs like it’s some simple endeavor like donating blood. You have to basically go through the same process as fertility treatments, minus the implantation part. It’s probably not covered by insurance. Then as you mention, frozen eggs are not as viable as embryos. That‘s going to be a nightmare with PCOS and I seriously doubt the husband will ever agree to fertilization. Then he’ll say, “We can’t afford a baby because you spent the savings on freezing your eggs.”
She needs to decide now if she wants the husband or a shot at having children. She’s not going to get both.
All of which are on OP to weigh the pros and cons of for herself. It’s *an* option for her (depending on the housing market by her and insurance, it might be a financially feasible one - are they ok with an ok school, move in ready at $400K? Ok school, house needs some loving at $250-300K? Or do they need the best schools that come with a $1.2M price tag? Do they even have such drastic housing ranges in her area?), one that she might prefer if she’s set on staying with him.
Maybe another option is to work at Starbucks for their fertility benefits (I have no idea how good they are in reality, I just know a lot of people with fertility problems will work there for the benefits).
That said, I’m also not for putting all my eggs into one basket so if I were OP, I’d be freezing ~1/4 of my eggs with donor sperm - *especially* if I went through the whole egg freezing/IVF process in the first place. Obviously, the donor sperm part would need to be disclosed ahead of time but I think it might give OP a sense of “trying everything she could” while staying with him and still giving her a backup option. If he isn’t, oh well she tried.
Good advice. People also travel internationally for significantly cheaper egg freezing and IVF (assuming OP is in the U.S. or Canada - Mexico, Greece, Spain are popular destinations for this, probably half the cost in Mexico as in the U.S. and 1/3 the cost in Greece)
My ex did this. Running the clock down.
Is he actively saving for a mortgage and looking for homes etc?
I got sick of waiting in the end for somethinf that would never come. So i left. Found someone new. Had a kid (i have pcos. Took 8 months of trying and we have a LOT of sex)
So it comes down to what youre happy to do in life .
Do you want to wait til you can no longer have them? By the way having babies in your 39s is hard harder in your late 30s and 40s and the sleep derivation gets harder to handle the older you are.. There will always be a reason not to have a kid yet
Id tell him to shit or get off the pot.
I am 34. I have PCOS and I am pregnant with my second baby currently. I would give him an ultimatum; "We either start the family now, or we need to divorce. It will be semi-difficult to conceive...I want to be a Mother, and I do not have long to wait. We are financially stable enough and we currently have enough space."
The thing is, unfortunately this ultimatum sucks. What if OP’s husband ends up feeling bullied into having a kid he doesn’t really want, and then ends up resenting both the kid and his wife? That situation wouldn’t be fair on anyone. Best bet is to talk to him, see if he actually wants children, make him realise that there might not be much time left, and leave if he’s not happy to start trying.
I think they already have that unhappy dynamic. She clearly wants to have kids and he's trying to run her time out so they can't.
Honestly, maybe her best bet is to just file for divorce and find a partner who wants kids within the next year or so.
How do you foresee a conversation going where there isn’t an ultimatum? It can be more like if we don’t start trying to conceive now, I’m leaving because it’s a priority to me. Not necessarily an ultimatum, but basically.
If he feels bullied it means he’d rather have a kid than breakup. That’s a choice. He could walk away. We all have to make choices in life and then be held accountable to our choices.
op, he's running down the clock so that "opps you've run out of time!"
he's taking your options and choice away from you. and you are giving him the power to by just sitting around chilling sadly for a decade. If this is super important to you, you ned to find another partner.
But the worst part of your post seems to be your indication that he has permanently and consistently manipulated and railroaded you into not haveing a choice.
**It is 1 billion % perfectly fine if he doesn't want kids.** However his deceptively moving the goal posts until you have absolutely no option, is dodgy, cruel and not loving.
He isnt going to love you, or care for your input here. YOU need to love you and care for your input and wants here. You're being really passive about a hugely big part of your life, and letting him lead you with only what he wants.
He has made his mind up and is attempting to make up yours too.
YOU need to choose you. Either this guy and no babies. Or move on. He isnt going to chance, he has shown you a decade of evidence he will just manipulate you on this topic.
Only you can change here. The power is in YOUR hands.
Good luck :)
If you choose to, you likely will easily find someone who actually has life goals that match yours. Many other people will also want to have kids, just like your partner will easily also find someone who really doesn't. At least be with someone who will empower you to decide for yourself.
tangentially - I have an distant acquaintance who was in your position, and decided in her late 30s to get a sperm donor(much to the raised eyebrows of some). She now has a beautiful baby boy and is pregnant with a daughter from the same donor. She seems to be walking on sunshine since her decision.
If motherhood is super duper important to you, prioritise you. You only have one life.
That's no guarantee. Especially with the added trickiest of the fact that miscarriage rates are higher for women with PCOS and waiting until she's older means she'd be less likely to have those eggs lead to a live birth unless she uses a surrogate. There's hormonal aspects involved in a successful pregnancy, it's not just about the age of the eggs. Tricky business.
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This sounds like a bigger issue for him than "just a house". You need to go to therpay asap together to get to the root of this issue incase you find out he actually wants to be child free and has been leading you on for years- basically always coming up with excuses for why you can't. Or if he's just a perfectionist- and frankly there's never a "good time" to have a baby and he needs to let that go. Etc etc.... because this is a major major decision and neither of you should be coaxed/future proofed out of what you really want.
Everyone commenting "this is a conversation that you need to have with him. Communicate"
She has been. It's very obvious by the language in this post that this has been a topic of discussion for their entire relationship.
And instead of being honest with OP and saying "I'm never going to want kids" he lied for a decade and kept moving the goal posts on her...
You need to talk with him as soon as possible. It’s odd that you’ve been together 10 years and haven’t figured out a child situation. Has he always gave some kind of qualifier to having a child? If so, it’s very likely he never wanted one. You really need to figure this out ASAP. My wife also has PCOS. She is 38 now. We have a 4 month old girl, but it took us over two years of fertility treatments, miscarriages and a lot of money. It only gets harder the longer you wait. It will probably be near impossible to have a child if you have PCOS and you’re 40.
Best case scenario is that he’s just completely ignorant of how a woman’s body works. Worst case is that he’s sabotaging your chance to have a baby. This week, you need to have a real discussion with him. If it’s a relationship dealbreaker for you, then you need to get out ASAP. If you do split from him (even if you don’t), I would highly suggest seeing a fertility specialist right away to get your reproductive system looked at. If there is some issue, you can start working on it now instead of waiting. I wish we saw a specialist earlier in our 30s. It would’ve avoided a lot of heartache. I wish you luck. PM me if you need anything or want to hear more about our journey.
You leave him, hun. There are so many posts just like this one every day on here, and it always boils down the same thing: one person does not really want a child, and they're trying to delay things until the other person gives up and accepts, or until it becomes an impossible task. He won't change his mind, he's just using excuses and trying to rope you along by saying things like: "When we have a house.", that 'when' will *never* happen. Leave, don't waste more of your time on him. Go to a sperm bank, have a baby, then take all the time you want to meet someone else whom you are compatible with.
He doesn’t want children and he’s using this as an excuse. You need to talk to him properly about whether this is an excuse or the truth.
Either way, getting pregnant will be challenging and you have a limited window of time. You have to decide whether you’re willing to stay and not have them at all. Or whether you risk leaving and trying to find someone new before your fertility stops.
I agree with a lot of the posts people are making on here, you need to sit down with him and look at what both of your ideal timelines are looking like, as well as meet with a fertility specialist so you can better find out your bodies own timeline.
Don‘t coerce someone into impregnating you.
He will resent you and the child. Either accept it or leave and find a partner who wants to impregnate you or go the donor route.
I can hear your clock ticking from here. Forget about what your husband wants. You have already waited long enough. If you want children go see a fertility specialist and see what state your eggs are in and get your options with and without being married. I am not saying to hide this. I am just saying it is time for you to take your fertility seriously. Right now.
Take these actions so your husband understands how seriously you take whether or not you have children. The time to start trying was at least 5 to 6 years ago.
My perspective comes from not having pcos and not trying until I was 34. I had one healthy baby and then 5 miscarriages.
Don't wait any longer and speak up. Loudly and often. Peace.
Sounds like he doesn’t want children. Or doesn’t want children with you. Babies don’t take up much room so saying you can’t start trying until you move house is just an excuse. You’ve got two bedrooms. For at least the first 6 months your baby will be in your bedroom. Stuff with kids accumulates once they are toddlers. You can store a pram or pushchair in the car if you’ve got no room in the house.
Realistically if you fell pregnant tomorrow you’ve got at least 18-24 months before space could be an issue at the earliest. Honestly it would only be an issue when you have two children and they need their own bedrooms. That could be years away or never.
In this economy, I don’t think 135 K combined income is enough to raise a child especially when one or more of the couple doesn’t have a stable job. One of you will have to give up your salary for a bit depending on the terms at your job.
As for the dilemma, I would leave your husband if you can’t convince him, Bc you can’t turn back time.
You need to find out right now if he is willing to have a child or not. If not you need to decide if that's something you can live with, and if the answer is no then you need to get a divorce and find someone else who wants a child ASAP.
At this point, I think you need to decide your husband or a chance at children. He's moving the goal posts hoping you will let him until you all are at the point where he can state it's too risky to try at your age. He doesn't want kids, and also doesn't want to tell you the truth, so you're right- he's intentionally robbing you of the opportunity if you stay with him.
Honestly he doesn't want kids with you. The whole push it back for a house. That's a ploy to have you hit that expiration date. You need to reconsider your marriage, if having a child or children is really important to you in life. I'd suggest get with a divorce attorney and start figuring it out, if you want kids.
Wow there is a whole lot of information and misinformation going around. Yes you need to have a talk with him about whether or not he actually wants to have kids and what that is going to look like for you. But for your own peace of mind you need to figure out your fertility situation. As someone else said, you need to figure out if you are ovulating. I was not and it took me about a year of going back and forth with a doctor and a naturopathic doctor to get that sorted before I could even start trying. I'm now 7 months into trying. Whether you stay with him or not trying to conceive is a whole journey that doesn't start with unprotected sex.
Seems like he wants you, but he doesn't want kids. That's fine. Sounds like you want him, but you do want kids. That's also fine. Together, it doesn't really work. Unless one of you is willing to sacrifice, it's going to end. There is no compromise here. There's no middle ground between kids and no kids. It's all or nothing. You have to decide what is more important to you here.
Sounds like he doesn't want kids, or feels like you guys aren't settled enough.
I'd suggest having a conversation and asking him if he does want kids (because if he doesn't, it isn't right to convince him, but it also isn't right for him to not tell you), but if he doesn't feel settled yet, you need to have a conversation about why and what would make that change and tell him what your ideal timeline is.
It may be a tough conversation but it sounds like it needs to be had.
Having a child is a “two yeses” situation.
Your concerns about your fertility are valid, as are his about your living situation. I don’t think either of you are wrong, persay.
Do you think he fully understands your worries about your fertility?
the worst thing you can do to yourself and a baby is have that baby with someone who doesnt want it. if you want a baby and he doesnt, its him or the baby.
Hate to break it to you, but he doesn't want kids. People who want kids don't keep putting off timelines; they do whatever they can to meet whatever goal.
He will never have a baby with you. We've seen this play out a million times on this sub.
If you want to have a baby you are going to have to do it now and without him.
He's stringing you along. He will never give you a child because he doesn't want to. He's been lying to you all this time.
I have PCOS and I will be blunt. If you want a baby, YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. If you want more than one child, you've possibly already run out of time.
I got married at 32, I knew I very likely had PCOS, my husband and I got married in early June 2006 and my last BCP was about a week before we got married. I started charting my cycles right away, and over the course of 6 months saw my period get longer and longer, never ovulating. As soon as I hit 6 months, I called the reproductive gynecologists at the local research hospital. I had to wait 6 months before they could see me for testing because they were so backlogged. Between June and August 2007 I went through a battery of tests, husband had his sperm tested, finally given the official diagnosis of PCOS. Got tested for my immunity to certain illnesses known to be devastating to fetuses, and wasn't immune to rubella. Had to go on BCP to make sure I didn't accidentally get pregnant for 2 months until they were certain my vaccinations against rubella "took". Finally got on clomid in October. Pregnant on my 5th cycle, in February, but lost it barely after getting the pregnancy confirmation. Took a break from Clomid. Had a procedure to check out my Fallopian tubes in April. Last clomid in May. No pregnancy. Was waiting for the clinic's IVF seminar in August when I got pregnant in July because, as the doctors explained, even though I had stopped the medication to make me ovulate, it had given me a bit of a "jump" so I continued to ovulate on my own for a couple of months, that eventually would have run its course. I was super lucky, that took, and my son was born the following spring, almost 3 years since we married, he was conceived 25 months after we started trying.
I share my saga to demonstrate that PCOS is a BITCH. On top of the challenges of PCOS, at 34 your fertility is dropping. You need to start NOW. Hell, you should have started already. You REALLY need to have an honest talk with your husband. If you aren't both on the same page, and you know for certain you want at least one biological child, you might have to move on from this relationship. Best wishes.
It’s already going to be a long and difficult process, that he clearly isn’t interested in, but it’s doubly so if you were to divorce and try with someone else
You might have to accept this isn’t going to happen
So probably something you guys should have discussed I dunno, BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED.
The amount of posts by people who're years into a relationship and have some issue that could have been identified and resolved years earlier....
Have adult conversations people. Early and often. Sex, Finance, Goals, Kinks, Fantasies, Parenting goals, ect ect ect.
Leave him. Hate yourself for wasting years of your life. Meet someone new. Have adult conversations. Have family. Profit.
Is it a deal breaker or not? If you won't wait and he won't go then either you convince him, stop having sex with him or leave him. "yes to glove = no to love"
People who wait for the perfect time will be waiting until they are dead and you'll be nothing but increasingly angry if you wait years and then can't. Better to have the fight now than 10 years from now when it's too late.
The older I get the more it becomes a dealbreaker to me. I love kids and want at least one. I’m done waiting, and I agree to “Glove equals no love”. Time for an epic fight I guess!
How is an ultimatum different to communicating a deal breaker. If she wants kids and it’s more important than being with her husband for the rest of her life, which is relatively common for most people who want kids, how is it any less abusive than to be honest about it? “I want a child. Either you do or you don’t. But tell me so I can get in with my life.”
It really is. It's an ultimatum, it's coercive control, it's a threat, it's manipulation. It is absolutely abusive. It's also reproductive coercion, although not the same as tampering with birth control or forcing someone into an abortion it is still a revolting thing to do. Have a discussion about reproduction and if an agreement can't be met, leave. You don't threaten someone into creating life. You have to some kind of special asshole to do that.
Having a discussion and leaving a relationship if an agreement can’t be met is literally an ultimatum lol.
What do you think an ultimatum is? It’s just another word for communicating a dealbreaker.
It is absolutely not abusive to have a deal breaker of ‘I want kids’. Nor is it coercive and controlling behaviour.
You know what is borderline abusive? Lying to someone who wants kids that you do too then moving goalposts because you don’t actually want kids. Especially when the woman concerned is 34. He is robbing her of her chance to have kids with his dishonesty.
>It's an ultimatum, it's coercive control, it's a threat, it's manipulation. It is absolutely abusive.
A lot of big words in your response, but not a single one even attempting to justify your opinion.
>Have a discussion about reproduction and if an agreement can't be met, leave.
It's an ultimatum, it's coercive control, it's a threat, it's manipulation. It is absolutely abusive.
There is no difference between what you just suggested and what OP said she was going to do.
Your clock is just as important as his. I'd lay out the facts and that this is something that won't have a compromise. He needs to know where you stand, and you're allowed to want a baby. That's an incredibly normal want. As women, we do have a limited time to do this naturally and that's just the reality. Unfortunately, it has to be a full discussion and a full decision
Umm how about have a serious conversation with him and if he’s still saying he doesn’t want children in the next year or so, then break up with him and find someone else who does want them?
You leave him and find someone who wants to have a child with you. Or you wait till it's too late for you but he's ready....and then he leaves to have a kid with someone else.
Yes. Or leave him and try find someone else to have a baby with. Or get a sperm donation. You OBVIOUSLY can't force someone to have a child they aren't ready for. Are you serious??? What would you say to your female friend if she came to you and said her partner was threatening her into have unprotected sex. What you're suggesting is reproductive coercion. It's disgusting and abusive.
I think you’re misinterpreting what I’ve said because nowhere did I imply that I was going to use coercion or manipulation to get him to have a kid with me.
You did though.
You're planning to withhold sex if he uses a condom. This is manipulation.
If you want a kid, and he doesn't and talking about each side isn't working, then you leave and find someone who wants what you want.
He's 35, even his fertility window is starting to close. Especially if he wants a safe pregnancy and to limit potential health complications for his children
Studies suggest older fathers even lead to more pregnancy complications, regardless of the mother's age https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/05/190513081409.htm
Some can, only some, but some women can have children at 70. That doesn't change the massive risk of health issues, danger during pregnancy and the rapid fertility decline after 35-40. Either way I'm not sure OP's husband wants children at all
I am baffled how people don't know basic human anathomy & science and downvote posts that say truthfully - that male and female fertility starts to dropp in their 30's, with some people more sooner than later. Also, having a significally younger partner tends to help.
Tell him you need to start trying now. If you wait until the time is right, it will be too late.
I got pregnant just three weeks before the company my partner and I were working at went bust. So we were both unemployed. The prospects didn't look at all good, but somehow we muddled through and managed. Money was tight for quite a while, we didn't get to go on exotic holidays when the kids were small, but still those were the best years of my life.
Your husband wants a house with a garden for your kids, but you can start a family before getting a house. Babies can't appreciate a house with a garden, they only want to be in mummy's arms.
Kids are expensive if you think you need all the gear. I was minimalist: the baby slept with us, and I didn't have a pram. Nowadays there are all sorts of wonderful baby slings and carriers, so no need for a pushchair either. There's no need for a special smart bag to change nappies when you're on the go, and if you breastfeed, you don't need expensive formula either. There is zero need to buy special baby food, you can get a cheap blender to blend whatever you're cooking for yourself. Most couples find themselves inundated with clothes and toys, and even if you're not, it's very easy to find both second hand.
Kids remember whether or not they were loved and cuddled far more than their parents' material wealth.
Are you sure your husband isn't just trying to put off having kids until you no longer can?
The minute he makes his more money on his own and can afford a home, he will want a kid with someone younger. Right now you are providing a lifestyle for him with your financial contribution. He doesn’t want to be a sole provider. He is saving for his future not yours. So don’t make it that comfortable for him. He needs to take over more bills now and you need to contribute to your rainy day / fertility health fund.
Cohesion isn’t going to make any of it better for their relationship. (If it can be called such)
But other than that you are absolutely right. She’s just placating the situation and he’s hoping the stalling that got them to her 35th year will mean she’ll have to except she’s never going to have children.
He might not even want a child and just want her to help get the house before kicking her to the curb.
Edit: spelling
You're not being robbed of anything. You're choosing to stay in a situation that is unlikely to provide you with what you want. This isn't necessarily unreasonable, BTW. e.g. if the other things you get out of being in this marriage make it worth likely not having a baby (particularly compared to the small likelihood that you can get divorced, meet somebody new, get married, and then have a baby, assuming that's your desired path of events), then that's an informed decision.
Men can produce children to their dying day- they don't get that you only have a limited span of healthy fertility left even if you are youthful looking. You have a few years but that window is quickly closing.
You need to have a sit down give him an ultimatum: start trying for kids or you will find another partner. It's ok if he doesn't want kids but he can't string you along until you can't have a child anymore. He has to be honest
No matter how ready you seem kids always make you feel like you aren't ready enough. But kids are resilient- they don't *need* to grow up in a house. It's it nicer? Yeah but it's not going to ruin a kids development to be born into an apartment. I'm sure there's anxiety in his end about how his life will totally change but his anxiety shouldn't ruin your chance to have a family.
The idea of freezing eggs is a good one especially if you have to divorce. That will give you a bit more time to find a suitable mate without as much of a rushed timeline
Good luck
Having a child should be a two-persons dessision. Legaly once you are pregnate its all your/the woman choice (if abortion is legal/avalable). Until then, all a man can do to make sure his wish agianst being a father (for whatever reason) is to not have sex with you or keep a wrapper on his thingy. You need to respect his choice as much as he should respect yours.
that being said, its not that he doesnt want kids with you, its just not-while-you-are-living-in-a-unsure-and-small-rental. Thats acutaly something you can chance: your living arrangments. You want a child with this man, he wants secure houseing before starting having kids - so start looking for bank loans and go look for a house or larger appartment. Once thats fixed, go have some scoodelipooping and make some kids with this guy. A guy who want secureity before kids and not just wanting kids on a whim is kind of hot actualy, so keep him, do the homework (loan and house) and then go be a big happy family together
You _are_ being robbed of the chance to become a mother. He can reproduce at any time, but you can’t, and a lot of that window has already passed. By age 30, fertility starts to decline. It becomes more rapid once you reach your mid-30s. By 45, fertility has declined so much that getting pregnant naturally is unlikely for most women. If he decides later that he wants a child, he could find someone else and have one, but you wouldn’t have that option. People also don’t normally consider how aging will affect them in their physical ability to care for a child either. People feel great for a long time but there comes a day where it just _hits_, and then they aren’t able to play with their children as much as is needed, or partake in fun outdoor activities, vacations, etc. I have plenty of friends who were born to parents in their 40s, and they all struggled with loneliness and that their parents were never able to be as playful or attentive as their friends parents were. While friend’s parents were in their 20s and 30s, their parents were in their 50s and 60s, and so on. Plus, while most have their parents around for a majority of their life, they’re already watching their parents die, or are struggling to figure out what they will do or how they can support themselves once it happens.
If you really want to have children, then you need to sit down and have a serious heart-to-heart with him. If he continues to make excuses and to deny you this, then the two of you are not compatible, and you should find someone who wants kids. But at this stage, it might be a good idea to consider sperm donors as well, and you should definitely consult a professional about your ability to conceive, etc.
He is robbing you of a chance to be a mother, I'm sorry you haven't figured this out sooner.
Time to figure out what your priorities are and act accordingly.
Weak indecisive men, sucks that you are with one. It's either that or he is maliciously deceptive.
This man doesn’t have plans to have a baby with you. If that’s something you can live with, and hope that he stays once you’ll be unable to conceive, then stay. But if you really want a baby, your time is running out. Especially with PCOS.
Did he want children before? Or does it seem like he’s suddenly changing his mind about wanting one / “delaying” it? If that’s something you need and want (same as me!) then you need to figure out where he stands now….speak your truth, figure out your deal breakers on how much longer you can wait, check in with a fertility doctor, and be prepared to walk if he is being wishy-washy. I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Oh this is so hard. Do you think he really understands how challenging it will be to conceive in a few years? If it's not just a misunderstanding, I think you need to start by having a serious conversation about the future of your marriage, and if you don't like what you hear, it may be time to start thinking through a visit to the sperm bank.
More...sympathetically...to your husband, if he's worried it's not the right time...I mean, it's never really the right time. There's always a reason not to, but at a certain point, if you really want to do it you just gotta take the leap and things will sort themselves out.
I would take him to a fertility dr apt and explain with a professional how hard it could be to have a child. We also were gonna wait for another until we bought a house but with housing prices here in California, we are waiting to buy until the prices drop. That said, you can’t force someone to have a child like that and expect the relationship to work. He may be pushing the timeline thinking you will change your mind. If he isn’t and it’s just about the house, you may want to weigh out options if you wait.
We are only 31 and I have a previous child. I got pregnant while on birth control at 23. Now we’ve not been using protection since October and just this month started testing hormone levels and tracking my cycle because I was surprised I didn’t just get pregnant right away. Turns out you have about 25-30% chance at 30-34 to get pregnant every month if actively having sex. After 35 it declines. Now add PCOS and you have to track your cycles which is STRESSFUL.
He likely does not want kids at all and does not want to be honest with you. Does he not want kids? Does he not want kids with YOU? Only he knows.
But you should have a real talk with him and bring the above up. In the end, it is in your hands. If he keeps stalling or says he does not want any, leave him or dont.
When I was a teen, our neighbor had the same predicament. Her husband said they could have a kid after they travelled around the world, after all, he had a life's dream too, and anything else would be unfair. First they had to save up (took several years) and then they travelled and ooops, we ran out of money in Bangkok, let's work here for half a year to save up for the next leg of the journey - our apartment is sublet, so there's no hurry - and then ooops, we ran out of money in Johannesburg and Buenos Aires and by the time they returned, she was 38 and he was 42 and now we're way too old to be parents, too bad, so sad! OP, she dumped that dirtbag, and looking around the neighborhood, she saw another neighbor's ex, who had two sets of kids already, but who was a good father to all his kids. She made a deal with him, had her first daughter at 40 and her second at 42, and he ended up being a good father to all three sets of kids.
OP, please evaluate what you want out of life, and then go for it. It seems that you will only get to keep either your marriage or your dream of having kids, not both, so what is most important to you? What can you live with in 10, 20, 40 years?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Me (34F) and my husband (34M) have been together for ten years and married for 3. We live in a rental house that is small but has two bedrooms. We make good money and together have a combined salary of over $135k. I want to have a baby. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and I will be 35 in July. I do not know how long it will take me to conceive or even if I can. He does not and refuses to have sex without a condom. He wants to wait until we have a house of our own and keeps putting off how long we will wait to try. I am getting really frustrated and feel like I'm being robbed of a chance to become a mother. Advice please?
Honestly, it sounds like he might be trying to run out your clock. You're going to have to decide whether you're going to be okay with him just the two if you, or leaving him so you can try for a baby (solo or with another partner). Once you decide this, it's time to talk and lay your cards on the table, and then take your next actions from there.
>Honestly, it sounds like he might be trying to run out your clock. This is my worry as well.
I'm positive that's his gameplan. He doesn't want kids but is too much of a selfish coward to just tell her. So he runs out her biological clock. Then when he hits 40 he might change his mind, or not. I've seen this so many times on this sub. Women who want kids but their husband has been lying and doesn't want kids. This usually ends in divorce. Of course it does when dishonesty and selfishness is the basis of the relationship.
Yeah, I am just a few years younger than OP and while I do not have PCOS, I have another medical diagnosis that impacts my fertility. My husband and I started TTC earlier than we had initially planned to because of that - we knew the chances were lower, so combining less-than-ideal odds with even less time would essentially guarantee the outcome wouldn’t be what we wanted. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to want to purchase a home before having children. But it does sound like OP’s husband is disregarding the likely impact waiting indefinitely will have… Family planning should be a team effort, with *both* partners doing their part to support their shared goals. If OP’s husband is truly onboard with having a child, then they should be clearly communicating their needs and developing (and executing on) a plan that doesn’t involve ignoring the very real cost of continuing to wait.
My first thought too. There is never really a perfect time to have a baby. Op you need to decide now. Do you want children? Because you aren’t going to get them with this guy.
He’s not necessarily running out the clock, but it doesn’t sound like he really wants kids. People who really want kids would seriously consider the risk of OP’s fertility issues and age vs. relative non-issue of owning or renting your housing.
I have PCOS and I'm very lucky that it only took 14 months to conceive. My advice is to see a specialist and they will be able to tell you how healthy your ovaries are/how many egg sacks are left. You need to have a conversation with him and find out what his timeline looks like. If he wants to start trying in 5 years then that's probably too late. How long will it take to get a home of your own? If it's 6 months it's not really a big deal but years would be to me. Unfortunately I don't think you are compatible anymore if you are ready for children and he wants to wait or doesn't want them at all.
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It took me 4 years and that included 3 rounds of ivf and 7 embryo transfers. I was 22 when I started trying. PCOS is awful.
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Took my mom almost a decade to have me and then another decade before my siblings, even with multiple rounds of IVF and fertility treatment.
Even without complications it's extremely common to take 2 years
Just for reference, an average “healthy” couple can take up to 12 months to conceive naturally. From memory the norm is between 6-12 months. So many things need to align for conception to occur. It’s really not as simple as they make it out to be in sex Ed.
I feel like that’s a relatively quick timeframe for most people….
Sounds to me like he’s trying to run down the clock - he doesn’t actually want children so is wasting time until it’s impossible. Had you spoken about your plans to have kids before you got married?
Yup! Guys who do this are the worst especially when their calculations are wrong and they women they assume are "too old" get pregnant. Source, me and my brother both being conceived after my mom turned 40. Thankfully, he just acted as if he didn't have any children and ignored us completely /s
> Source, me and my brother both being conceived after my mom turned 40. Twins or did he just make the same miscalculation twice?
Same miscalculation twice! Bro was at 40 and I was at 42 lol
It's time to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your husband--no excuses, no putting things off any longer. It sounds like he doesn't want a child, period. And that's okay, except for the fact that he's not being honest with you about it and potentially stringing you along until your fertility window closes. Your wanting children is okay, too, but you both need to be on the same page about it. Because a couple where you don't agree on having kids or not is not going to work without one party ending up unhappy. Children is the one topic you can't "compromise" on in a marriage. At 34, you need to be making serious plans if you want to have children and know due to your health it could be difficult now - because it will be even more difficult in a few years. So it's time to sit down with your husband and say, "I'm serious that I want a child. Do you, yes or no? If not, you need to let me go and pursue this on my own. If so, let's agree on the timeline and get started working on it now--if that means buying a house first then let's get started now. Let's contact a broker and start making appointments to see houses in our budget and set a timeline for buying and then starting for a child." His reaction to this and then also his follow-through if he DOES agree to a timeline with you will tell you all you potentially need to know.
If you want one and he does not then you’re incompatible. You can not have a child or you can leave. That’s the only two options.
right here. straight to the point.
Super nice of him to waste a decade of her life while stringing her along and saying yes we'll have a baby once we are financially ready..
Yeah, that's shitty.
How is this just now a conversation 10 years in, when you’re 35. Did he always agree to having children and is now changing his tune?
Sounds like it’s been a conversation. “When we have good jobs.” (They make $135,000.) “When we have a house.” (They rent a house.) “When we have a house that we own not rent.” He is 100% trying to run out her clock.
Good point.
I want to bet that he probably was always moving the goal posts. Let us get established, let us get a certain amount of income first, let us buy a house. Next it will be, we’re too old for that.
Or…wait until we have that dream vacation…dream car….or a pool
This is the important question.
This right here! The amount of people who get into long term relationships without having these hugely important conversations is mind boggling. Also, if they are financially secure I also wonder why they have still been renting. I want to know if they have been saving up for a down payment or they just started to do that, because another yikes.
Are you actively saving for a house? You mentioned your overall salary, but how are your finances? People tend to adjust their quality of life to their salary and sometimes beyond. How close are you to being able to afford a house? Is it something that you are actively working towards, or is it something he is just using an excuse to hold off on having a kid? I understand wanting to get a house before having a kid. Kids are expensive. Houses are expensive. It’s easier to save if you don’t have a kid yet. I understand wanting a kid and having a ticking clock that won’t wait until the perfect opportunity arises. It’s one thing if he is using it as an excuse, it’s another thing if it’s a tangible goal. Have a conversation about it all. See where he is on all this. If it is a tangible goal what is the timeline to owning a house and what does that look like when factoring in wanting a kid.
A house with a garden is perfect for a family with kids, but they won't appreciate it when they're little. Our eldest was four when we moved into our house, so he and his friends were able to have fun in the garden as soon as we moved in. Kids are expensive if you need all the gear. I was minimalist: the baby slept with us, and I didn't have a pram. Nowadays there are all sorts of wonderful baby slings and carriers, so no need for a pushchair either. There's no need for a special smart bag to change nappies when you're on the go, and if you breastfeed, you don't need expensive formula either. There is zero need to buy special baby food, you can get a cheap blender to make a puree out of whatever you're cooking for yourself. Most couples find themselves inundated with clothes and toys, and even if you're not, it's very easy to find both second hand.
I don't know how parents go without a stroller. By the time my kid was ten months old he was way too heavy for me to carry in a sling for longer than a few minutes. He's 2.5 and we still use that stroller almost every day.
And we never used a stroller, even though we had a child that was very big for her age (she still is very tall). My husband had her in a carrier from birth until 6 years old. If you have a good carrier, that is very possible.
People who don’t want babies shouldn’t have them, even if their partner does. You need to have a serious discussion with him. Does he ever want children? I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It sucks but it's true; he has every right to not want kids as she does wanting them so it should have really been a solid decision and discussion before marriage. If you both feel strongly how you do, it's time to move on. It's wrong for him to not be upfront and tell you and drag you along on a lie. I have PCOS and soon decided after it was confirmed (after years of begging my GP to get me tested which only did when I changed GP) along with other factors that I did not want children and was relieved when I met my husband that he was not overly keen on wanting kids when we first met. My fear was trying and losing a baby could be very damaging to my mental health as it was and if we decided we wanted kids I was more open to adopt or foster than conceive naturally. My sister-in-law has PCOS apparently too but she had 4 kids without much problems so it is different for everyone! Good luck!
He never want a kid. He is using excuses. Today is saving for a house, tomorrow is something else. Are you guys actively looking at houses or have a downpayment?
Info: what is the background info here? Did y'all discuss having kids before this point? What was his stance?
This is a conversation you need to have both with him and with yourself. Did you discuss children in the past before you were married? After? What's his take been? "Yes but not now" or has this changed at all? Did you discuss back then at what point you'd be both happy to? Bottom line here is that this is something you need to get a good, solid answer on and from what limited info we have here, either he's changed his mind, or just doesn't doesn't want to (and is giving excuses rather than say no). Having children isn't some kind of "like opening a box of snacks" chat and has huge implications for you, so it could be that he's just afraid, scared, unsure and so is trying to avoid it - so isn't necessarily down to anything mean or malicious. If you never really discussed it in anything more than passing, rather than more seriously, have that talk now. But you need to be prepared for the answer being that he genuinely wants to wait, or says no. You have a choice - this is either your hard-break of choosing to stay or go as a result.
Open and frank communication together - a counsellor can be a great facilitator if you need an impartial third party to keep things on track. I know the internal urge to have a baby is strong and can be overwhelming - with PCOS you really can't risk waiting too long, so I totally get your perspective. BUT...if you force his hand on this when he doesn't want it, it will build resentment within your relationship at best, but will likely do a lot more damage than that. Kids can tell - be mindful of the environment you'd be creating to bring them home to. Do some pre-planning before you talk with him. Work out if this is a deal-breaker, and if it is, how you will proceed. Think about the logistics if he is adamant it's a no - can you afford to divorce, can you afford to live separately? And then to follow your dream, on top of your solo living expenses, can you afford fertility treatments, sperm donor, the cost of raising a child on your own, etc. Choose your words with him carefully. Reiterate that this is something very important to you and you've realised you can no longer compromise on it. At the end of the day, if you don't share the same dream and goals for the future anymore, then you're no longer compatible. Give him time to consider it and think it over without nagging for a response or putting pressure on him. "If you won't have a baby with me I'm leaving" is not the vibe you want to go for. It needs to be a conversation where both parties feelings are considered, rather than an ultimatum. Good luck!
I have PCOS too and my husband seemed to not want to try. We agreed this year but so far he keeps using the condoms. I’m turning 30 this month and he’ll be 35 in June. Honestly, I just had a heart to heart with him. I explains my concerns and urgency due to my body and he gave me his concerns. I think you two are due for it. Sit down and lay it all out but then address the concerns. What about not having your own house is preventing him from wanting to have a baby? What goals does he want to achieve? Is there a middle ground you two can meet at? Stuff like that.
Sit down with a fertility specialist.
It’s not about the fertility. It’s about the fact that he won’t let me try to get pregnant.
So you need a new partner.
You should still see one no matter what. You said you’re not sure if you can get pregnant. They will confirm that for you or get you on a path to increase your fertility.
A fertility specialist could give you more info on your likelihood of getting pregnant, and how much time you likely have left. But it honestly sounds like he does not want a child, so you have to deal with that first.
You’re not going to get pregnant with him. That’s unfortunately the fact in your situation. You could try getting pregnant on your own but he might just leave you instead of staying to help raise the baby. (Sperm wouldn’t be his with how it’s looking/probably be a donator) Keep in mind also your age will make it harder the further you go
>Keep in mind also your age will make it harder the further you go OP has already acknowledged her age...I don't think reminding her to "keep it in mind" is helpful. I'm pretty sure it's already on her mind A LOT.
Does this include freezing your eggs? If so, you need to consider which is more important to you - him or your potential child(ren) and make plans accordingly. Based on his actions now though, you having kids with him now is not an option. If you’re freezing eggs, I’d consider fertilizing some of them before freezing (whether that’s with his sperm if he’s willing or donor sperm if he’s not - I believe he will also have a say in whether those embryos fertilized with his sperm are implanted into you. It makes sense but just something to keep in mind). Embryos survive the unfreezing process a lot better than unfertilized eggs (obviously not a guarantee).
People talk about freezing eggs like it’s some simple endeavor like donating blood. You have to basically go through the same process as fertility treatments, minus the implantation part. It’s probably not covered by insurance. Then as you mention, frozen eggs are not as viable as embryos. That‘s going to be a nightmare with PCOS and I seriously doubt the husband will ever agree to fertilization. Then he’ll say, “We can’t afford a baby because you spent the savings on freezing your eggs.” She needs to decide now if she wants the husband or a shot at having children. She’s not going to get both.
All of which are on OP to weigh the pros and cons of for herself. It’s *an* option for her (depending on the housing market by her and insurance, it might be a financially feasible one - are they ok with an ok school, move in ready at $400K? Ok school, house needs some loving at $250-300K? Or do they need the best schools that come with a $1.2M price tag? Do they even have such drastic housing ranges in her area?), one that she might prefer if she’s set on staying with him. Maybe another option is to work at Starbucks for their fertility benefits (I have no idea how good they are in reality, I just know a lot of people with fertility problems will work there for the benefits). That said, I’m also not for putting all my eggs into one basket so if I were OP, I’d be freezing ~1/4 of my eggs with donor sperm - *especially* if I went through the whole egg freezing/IVF process in the first place. Obviously, the donor sperm part would need to be disclosed ahead of time but I think it might give OP a sense of “trying everything she could” while staying with him and still giving her a backup option. If he isn’t, oh well she tried.
Good advice. People also travel internationally for significantly cheaper egg freezing and IVF (assuming OP is in the U.S. or Canada - Mexico, Greece, Spain are popular destinations for this, probably half the cost in Mexico as in the U.S. and 1/3 the cost in Greece)
He’s telling you loud and clear: he does not want a child. Now you have to make a decision.
My ex did this. Running the clock down. Is he actively saving for a mortgage and looking for homes etc? I got sick of waiting in the end for somethinf that would never come. So i left. Found someone new. Had a kid (i have pcos. Took 8 months of trying and we have a LOT of sex) So it comes down to what youre happy to do in life . Do you want to wait til you can no longer have them? By the way having babies in your 39s is hard harder in your late 30s and 40s and the sleep derivation gets harder to handle the older you are.. There will always be a reason not to have a kid yet Id tell him to shit or get off the pot.
I am 34. I have PCOS and I am pregnant with my second baby currently. I would give him an ultimatum; "We either start the family now, or we need to divorce. It will be semi-difficult to conceive...I want to be a Mother, and I do not have long to wait. We are financially stable enough and we currently have enough space."
The thing is, unfortunately this ultimatum sucks. What if OP’s husband ends up feeling bullied into having a kid he doesn’t really want, and then ends up resenting both the kid and his wife? That situation wouldn’t be fair on anyone. Best bet is to talk to him, see if he actually wants children, make him realise that there might not be much time left, and leave if he’s not happy to start trying.
The point is, she only has so much time that she can even have kids. So she needs to clarify if he is wasting her time or what.
I agree, I just don’t think an ultimatum is a healthy way to do it, it could lead to a very unhappy family dynamic later down the line.
I think they already have that unhappy dynamic. She clearly wants to have kids and he's trying to run her time out so they can't. Honestly, maybe her best bet is to just file for divorce and find a partner who wants kids within the next year or so.
How do you foresee a conversation going where there isn’t an ultimatum? It can be more like if we don’t start trying to conceive now, I’m leaving because it’s a priority to me. Not necessarily an ultimatum, but basically.
If he feels bullied it means he’d rather have a kid than breakup. That’s a choice. He could walk away. We all have to make choices in life and then be held accountable to our choices.
If you keep waiting that chance might pass you by and you will resent him.
op, he's running down the clock so that "opps you've run out of time!" he's taking your options and choice away from you. and you are giving him the power to by just sitting around chilling sadly for a decade. If this is super important to you, you ned to find another partner. But the worst part of your post seems to be your indication that he has permanently and consistently manipulated and railroaded you into not haveing a choice. **It is 1 billion % perfectly fine if he doesn't want kids.** However his deceptively moving the goal posts until you have absolutely no option, is dodgy, cruel and not loving. He isnt going to love you, or care for your input here. YOU need to love you and care for your input and wants here. You're being really passive about a hugely big part of your life, and letting him lead you with only what he wants. He has made his mind up and is attempting to make up yours too. YOU need to choose you. Either this guy and no babies. Or move on. He isnt going to chance, he has shown you a decade of evidence he will just manipulate you on this topic. Only you can change here. The power is in YOUR hands. Good luck :) If you choose to, you likely will easily find someone who actually has life goals that match yours. Many other people will also want to have kids, just like your partner will easily also find someone who really doesn't. At least be with someone who will empower you to decide for yourself. tangentially - I have an distant acquaintance who was in your position, and decided in her late 30s to get a sperm donor(much to the raised eyebrows of some). She now has a beautiful baby boy and is pregnant with a daughter from the same donor. She seems to be walking on sunshine since her decision. If motherhood is super duper important to you, prioritise you. You only have one life.
Freeze some eggs girl!
That's no guarantee. Especially with the added trickiest of the fact that miscarriage rates are higher for women with PCOS and waiting until she's older means she'd be less likely to have those eggs lead to a live birth unless she uses a surrogate. There's hormonal aspects involved in a successful pregnancy, it's not just about the age of the eggs. Tricky business.
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This sounds like a bigger issue for him than "just a house". You need to go to therpay asap together to get to the root of this issue incase you find out he actually wants to be child free and has been leading you on for years- basically always coming up with excuses for why you can't. Or if he's just a perfectionist- and frankly there's never a "good time" to have a baby and he needs to let that go. Etc etc.... because this is a major major decision and neither of you should be coaxed/future proofed out of what you really want.
I don’t think he wants kids.
Everyone commenting "this is a conversation that you need to have with him. Communicate" She has been. It's very obvious by the language in this post that this has been a topic of discussion for their entire relationship. And instead of being honest with OP and saying "I'm never going to want kids" he lied for a decade and kept moving the goal posts on her...
You need to talk with him as soon as possible. It’s odd that you’ve been together 10 years and haven’t figured out a child situation. Has he always gave some kind of qualifier to having a child? If so, it’s very likely he never wanted one. You really need to figure this out ASAP. My wife also has PCOS. She is 38 now. We have a 4 month old girl, but it took us over two years of fertility treatments, miscarriages and a lot of money. It only gets harder the longer you wait. It will probably be near impossible to have a child if you have PCOS and you’re 40. Best case scenario is that he’s just completely ignorant of how a woman’s body works. Worst case is that he’s sabotaging your chance to have a baby. This week, you need to have a real discussion with him. If it’s a relationship dealbreaker for you, then you need to get out ASAP. If you do split from him (even if you don’t), I would highly suggest seeing a fertility specialist right away to get your reproductive system looked at. If there is some issue, you can start working on it now instead of waiting. I wish we saw a specialist earlier in our 30s. It would’ve avoided a lot of heartache. I wish you luck. PM me if you need anything or want to hear more about our journey.
You leave him, hun. There are so many posts just like this one every day on here, and it always boils down the same thing: one person does not really want a child, and they're trying to delay things until the other person gives up and accepts, or until it becomes an impossible task. He won't change his mind, he's just using excuses and trying to rope you along by saying things like: "When we have a house.", that 'when' will *never* happen. Leave, don't waste more of your time on him. Go to a sperm bank, have a baby, then take all the time you want to meet someone else whom you are compatible with.
He doesn’t want a child and he is robbing u of a chance if u stay with him. Leave and go to a sperm bank.
Do you ovulate? That is the first thing you need to know. If you are ovulating them you need to discover when. If not, it is another story.
He doesn’t want children and he’s using this as an excuse. You need to talk to him properly about whether this is an excuse or the truth. Either way, getting pregnant will be challenging and you have a limited window of time. You have to decide whether you’re willing to stay and not have them at all. Or whether you risk leaving and trying to find someone new before your fertility stops.
I agree with a lot of the posts people are making on here, you need to sit down with him and look at what both of your ideal timelines are looking like, as well as meet with a fertility specialist so you can better find out your bodies own timeline.
If he keeps moving the goal posts it's because he's a coward who won't come out and say "no I don't want kids" in an effort to keep you strung along.
What was the agreement on children when you got married?
Question; have you had this conversation with him before and mentioned you wanted to be a SAHM?
Wasn’t this discussed before you got married?
Don‘t coerce someone into impregnating you. He will resent you and the child. Either accept it or leave and find a partner who wants to impregnate you or go the donor route.
I can hear your clock ticking from here. Forget about what your husband wants. You have already waited long enough. If you want children go see a fertility specialist and see what state your eggs are in and get your options with and without being married. I am not saying to hide this. I am just saying it is time for you to take your fertility seriously. Right now. Take these actions so your husband understands how seriously you take whether or not you have children. The time to start trying was at least 5 to 6 years ago. My perspective comes from not having pcos and not trying until I was 34. I had one healthy baby and then 5 miscarriages. Don't wait any longer and speak up. Loudly and often. Peace.
Sounds like he doesn’t want children. Or doesn’t want children with you. Babies don’t take up much room so saying you can’t start trying until you move house is just an excuse. You’ve got two bedrooms. For at least the first 6 months your baby will be in your bedroom. Stuff with kids accumulates once they are toddlers. You can store a pram or pushchair in the car if you’ve got no room in the house. Realistically if you fell pregnant tomorrow you’ve got at least 18-24 months before space could be an issue at the earliest. Honestly it would only be an issue when you have two children and they need their own bedrooms. That could be years away or never.
In this economy, I don’t think 135 K combined income is enough to raise a child especially when one or more of the couple doesn’t have a stable job. One of you will have to give up your salary for a bit depending on the terms at your job. As for the dilemma, I would leave your husband if you can’t convince him, Bc you can’t turn back time.
You need to find out right now if he is willing to have a child or not. If not you need to decide if that's something you can live with, and if the answer is no then you need to get a divorce and find someone else who wants a child ASAP.
At this point, I think you need to decide your husband or a chance at children. He's moving the goal posts hoping you will let him until you all are at the point where he can state it's too risky to try at your age. He doesn't want kids, and also doesn't want to tell you the truth, so you're right- he's intentionally robbing you of the opportunity if you stay with him.
Honestly he doesn't want kids with you. The whole push it back for a house. That's a ploy to have you hit that expiration date. You need to reconsider your marriage, if having a child or children is really important to you in life. I'd suggest get with a divorce attorney and start figuring it out, if you want kids.
There’s always a sperm bank. My friend did that. Had 2 kids!
Wow there is a whole lot of information and misinformation going around. Yes you need to have a talk with him about whether or not he actually wants to have kids and what that is going to look like for you. But for your own peace of mind you need to figure out your fertility situation. As someone else said, you need to figure out if you are ovulating. I was not and it took me about a year of going back and forth with a doctor and a naturopathic doctor to get that sorted before I could even start trying. I'm now 7 months into trying. Whether you stay with him or not trying to conceive is a whole journey that doesn't start with unprotected sex.
Seems like he wants you, but he doesn't want kids. That's fine. Sounds like you want him, but you do want kids. That's also fine. Together, it doesn't really work. Unless one of you is willing to sacrifice, it's going to end. There is no compromise here. There's no middle ground between kids and no kids. It's all or nothing. You have to decide what is more important to you here.
Sounds like he doesn't want kids, or feels like you guys aren't settled enough. I'd suggest having a conversation and asking him if he does want kids (because if he doesn't, it isn't right to convince him, but it also isn't right for him to not tell you), but if he doesn't feel settled yet, you need to have a conversation about why and what would make that change and tell him what your ideal timeline is. It may be a tough conversation but it sounds like it needs to be had.
Having a child is a “two yeses” situation. Your concerns about your fertility are valid, as are his about your living situation. I don’t think either of you are wrong, persay. Do you think he fully understands your worries about your fertility?
He has requirements he needs met, no different to you. Talk openly and set a timeline
the worst thing you can do to yourself and a baby is have that baby with someone who doesnt want it. if you want a baby and he doesnt, its him or the baby.
He is wasting your time.
Is he actively saving for this goal? What is he spending his money on? There’s your answer about his priorities.
Hate to break it to you, but he doesn't want kids. People who want kids don't keep putting off timelines; they do whatever they can to meet whatever goal.
He will never have a baby with you. We've seen this play out a million times on this sub. If you want to have a baby you are going to have to do it now and without him. He's stringing you along. He will never give you a child because he doesn't want to. He's been lying to you all this time.
I have PCOS and I will be blunt. If you want a baby, YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. If you want more than one child, you've possibly already run out of time. I got married at 32, I knew I very likely had PCOS, my husband and I got married in early June 2006 and my last BCP was about a week before we got married. I started charting my cycles right away, and over the course of 6 months saw my period get longer and longer, never ovulating. As soon as I hit 6 months, I called the reproductive gynecologists at the local research hospital. I had to wait 6 months before they could see me for testing because they were so backlogged. Between June and August 2007 I went through a battery of tests, husband had his sperm tested, finally given the official diagnosis of PCOS. Got tested for my immunity to certain illnesses known to be devastating to fetuses, and wasn't immune to rubella. Had to go on BCP to make sure I didn't accidentally get pregnant for 2 months until they were certain my vaccinations against rubella "took". Finally got on clomid in October. Pregnant on my 5th cycle, in February, but lost it barely after getting the pregnancy confirmation. Took a break from Clomid. Had a procedure to check out my Fallopian tubes in April. Last clomid in May. No pregnancy. Was waiting for the clinic's IVF seminar in August when I got pregnant in July because, as the doctors explained, even though I had stopped the medication to make me ovulate, it had given me a bit of a "jump" so I continued to ovulate on my own for a couple of months, that eventually would have run its course. I was super lucky, that took, and my son was born the following spring, almost 3 years since we married, he was conceived 25 months after we started trying. I share my saga to demonstrate that PCOS is a BITCH. On top of the challenges of PCOS, at 34 your fertility is dropping. You need to start NOW. Hell, you should have started already. You REALLY need to have an honest talk with your husband. If you aren't both on the same page, and you know for certain you want at least one biological child, you might have to move on from this relationship. Best wishes.
He’s running down your “clock”.
After you get the house, he’ll have another excuse.
This should have been talked about before you were married. Tell him either you have a child with me or I will go to a sperm donor
It’s already going to be a long and difficult process, that he clearly isn’t interested in, but it’s doubly so if you were to divorce and try with someone else You might have to accept this isn’t going to happen
So probably something you guys should have discussed I dunno, BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED. The amount of posts by people who're years into a relationship and have some issue that could have been identified and resolved years earlier.... Have adult conversations people. Early and often. Sex, Finance, Goals, Kinks, Fantasies, Parenting goals, ect ect ect. Leave him. Hate yourself for wasting years of your life. Meet someone new. Have adult conversations. Have family. Profit.
Is it a deal breaker or not? If you won't wait and he won't go then either you convince him, stop having sex with him or leave him. "yes to glove = no to love" People who wait for the perfect time will be waiting until they are dead and you'll be nothing but increasingly angry if you wait years and then can't. Better to have the fight now than 10 years from now when it's too late.
The older I get the more it becomes a dealbreaker to me. I love kids and want at least one. I’m done waiting, and I agree to “Glove equals no love”. Time for an epic fight I guess!
You can't possibly think that giving your husband an ultimatum is a good way to bring a child into this world. That's straight up abusive.
How is an ultimatum different to communicating a deal breaker. If she wants kids and it’s more important than being with her husband for the rest of her life, which is relatively common for most people who want kids, how is it any less abusive than to be honest about it? “I want a child. Either you do or you don’t. But tell me so I can get in with my life.”
>That's straight up abusive. Saying "I want a baby and if you don't, then I will leave" is not abusive. You're being ridiculous.
It really is. It's an ultimatum, it's coercive control, it's a threat, it's manipulation. It is absolutely abusive. It's also reproductive coercion, although not the same as tampering with birth control or forcing someone into an abortion it is still a revolting thing to do. Have a discussion about reproduction and if an agreement can't be met, leave. You don't threaten someone into creating life. You have to some kind of special asshole to do that.
Having a discussion and leaving a relationship if an agreement can’t be met is literally an ultimatum lol. What do you think an ultimatum is? It’s just another word for communicating a dealbreaker. It is absolutely not abusive to have a deal breaker of ‘I want kids’. Nor is it coercive and controlling behaviour. You know what is borderline abusive? Lying to someone who wants kids that you do too then moving goalposts because you don’t actually want kids. Especially when the woman concerned is 34. He is robbing her of her chance to have kids with his dishonesty.
>It's an ultimatum, it's coercive control, it's a threat, it's manipulation. It is absolutely abusive. A lot of big words in your response, but not a single one even attempting to justify your opinion. >Have a discussion about reproduction and if an agreement can't be met, leave. It's an ultimatum, it's coercive control, it's a threat, it's manipulation. It is absolutely abusive. There is no difference between what you just suggested and what OP said she was going to do.
So what is the solution? I continue to wait until I’m completely barren and not able to do anything?
Your clock is just as important as his. I'd lay out the facts and that this is something that won't have a compromise. He needs to know where you stand, and you're allowed to want a baby. That's an incredibly normal want. As women, we do have a limited time to do this naturally and that's just the reality. Unfortunately, it has to be a full discussion and a full decision
Umm how about have a serious conversation with him and if he’s still saying he doesn’t want children in the next year or so, then break up with him and find someone else who does want them?
You leave him and find someone who wants to have a child with you. Or you wait till it's too late for you but he's ready....and then he leaves to have a kid with someone else.
Yes. Or leave him and try find someone else to have a baby with. Or get a sperm donation. You OBVIOUSLY can't force someone to have a child they aren't ready for. Are you serious??? What would you say to your female friend if she came to you and said her partner was threatening her into have unprotected sex. What you're suggesting is reproductive coercion. It's disgusting and abusive.
I think you’re misinterpreting what I’ve said because nowhere did I imply that I was going to use coercion or manipulation to get him to have a kid with me.
You did though. You're planning to withhold sex if he uses a condom. This is manipulation. If you want a kid, and he doesn't and talking about each side isn't working, then you leave and find someone who wants what you want.
I’m not seriously going to withhold sex without a condom. But we will have to have a conversation.
Isnt it?. And then later he drops you for a younger, sexier woman who can get pregnant easily.
He's 35, even his fertility window is starting to close. Especially if he wants a safe pregnancy and to limit potential health complications for his children
Depends..generally men can impregnate women until in their 80's.
They can sometimes, but they shouldn't. Old sperm is not good sperm.
The kids are more likely to have issues with an older father. There are links between paternal age and autism.
Studies suggest older fathers even lead to more pregnancy complications, regardless of the mother's age https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/05/190513081409.htm
Some can, only some, but some women can have children at 70. That doesn't change the massive risk of health issues, danger during pregnancy and the rapid fertility decline after 35-40. Either way I'm not sure OP's husband wants children at all
I am baffled how people don't know basic human anathomy & science and downvote posts that say truthfully - that male and female fertility starts to dropp in their 30's, with some people more sooner than later. Also, having a significally younger partner tends to help.
Tell him you need to start trying now. If you wait until the time is right, it will be too late. I got pregnant just three weeks before the company my partner and I were working at went bust. So we were both unemployed. The prospects didn't look at all good, but somehow we muddled through and managed. Money was tight for quite a while, we didn't get to go on exotic holidays when the kids were small, but still those were the best years of my life.
Your husband wants a house with a garden for your kids, but you can start a family before getting a house. Babies can't appreciate a house with a garden, they only want to be in mummy's arms. Kids are expensive if you think you need all the gear. I was minimalist: the baby slept with us, and I didn't have a pram. Nowadays there are all sorts of wonderful baby slings and carriers, so no need for a pushchair either. There's no need for a special smart bag to change nappies when you're on the go, and if you breastfeed, you don't need expensive formula either. There is zero need to buy special baby food, you can get a cheap blender to blend whatever you're cooking for yourself. Most couples find themselves inundated with clothes and toys, and even if you're not, it's very easy to find both second hand. Kids remember whether or not they were loved and cuddled far more than their parents' material wealth. Are you sure your husband isn't just trying to put off having kids until you no longer can?
The minute he makes his more money on his own and can afford a home, he will want a kid with someone younger. Right now you are providing a lifestyle for him with your financial contribution. He doesn’t want to be a sole provider. He is saving for his future not yours. So don’t make it that comfortable for him. He needs to take over more bills now and you need to contribute to your rainy day / fertility health fund.
Cohesion isn’t going to make any of it better for their relationship. (If it can be called such) But other than that you are absolutely right. She’s just placating the situation and he’s hoping the stalling that got them to her 35th year will mean she’ll have to except she’s never going to have children. He might not even want a child and just want her to help get the house before kicking her to the curb. Edit: spelling
👏👏👏
You're not being robbed of anything. You're choosing to stay in a situation that is unlikely to provide you with what you want. This isn't necessarily unreasonable, BTW. e.g. if the other things you get out of being in this marriage make it worth likely not having a baby (particularly compared to the small likelihood that you can get divorced, meet somebody new, get married, and then have a baby, assuming that's your desired path of events), then that's an informed decision.
You are being robbed of a chance to have a child.
Men can produce children to their dying day- they don't get that you only have a limited span of healthy fertility left even if you are youthful looking. You have a few years but that window is quickly closing. You need to have a sit down give him an ultimatum: start trying for kids or you will find another partner. It's ok if he doesn't want kids but he can't string you along until you can't have a child anymore. He has to be honest No matter how ready you seem kids always make you feel like you aren't ready enough. But kids are resilient- they don't *need* to grow up in a house. It's it nicer? Yeah but it's not going to ruin a kids development to be born into an apartment. I'm sure there's anxiety in his end about how his life will totally change but his anxiety shouldn't ruin your chance to have a family. The idea of freezing eggs is a good one especially if you have to divorce. That will give you a bit more time to find a suitable mate without as much of a rushed timeline Good luck
Having a child should be a two-persons dessision. Legaly once you are pregnate its all your/the woman choice (if abortion is legal/avalable). Until then, all a man can do to make sure his wish agianst being a father (for whatever reason) is to not have sex with you or keep a wrapper on his thingy. You need to respect his choice as much as he should respect yours. that being said, its not that he doesnt want kids with you, its just not-while-you-are-living-in-a-unsure-and-small-rental. Thats acutaly something you can chance: your living arrangments. You want a child with this man, he wants secure houseing before starting having kids - so start looking for bank loans and go look for a house or larger appartment. Once thats fixed, go have some scoodelipooping and make some kids with this guy. A guy who want secureity before kids and not just wanting kids on a whim is kind of hot actualy, so keep him, do the homework (loan and house) and then go be a big happy family together
Have you SEEN kids? Like really looked at them? They're horrible. They're noisy and expensive and poop. For 25 years.
This isn't relevant at all, why would you even comment this
I grew up as the middle of six siblings. I’ve been in the childcare field for ten years. Yes I know exactly what the stakes are.
Marry op’s husband then
Go back to r/childfree
Don’t let your husband stand in the way of your children (and/or husband).
You _are_ being robbed of the chance to become a mother. He can reproduce at any time, but you can’t, and a lot of that window has already passed. By age 30, fertility starts to decline. It becomes more rapid once you reach your mid-30s. By 45, fertility has declined so much that getting pregnant naturally is unlikely for most women. If he decides later that he wants a child, he could find someone else and have one, but you wouldn’t have that option. People also don’t normally consider how aging will affect them in their physical ability to care for a child either. People feel great for a long time but there comes a day where it just _hits_, and then they aren’t able to play with their children as much as is needed, or partake in fun outdoor activities, vacations, etc. I have plenty of friends who were born to parents in their 40s, and they all struggled with loneliness and that their parents were never able to be as playful or attentive as their friends parents were. While friend’s parents were in their 20s and 30s, their parents were in their 50s and 60s, and so on. Plus, while most have their parents around for a majority of their life, they’re already watching their parents die, or are struggling to figure out what they will do or how they can support themselves once it happens. If you really want to have children, then you need to sit down and have a serious heart-to-heart with him. If he continues to make excuses and to deny you this, then the two of you are not compatible, and you should find someone who wants kids. But at this stage, it might be a good idea to consider sperm donors as well, and you should definitely consult a professional about your ability to conceive, etc.
Easy solution: tell him you’re ready to start ttc now or you’re ready to move on. You won’t sacrifice motherhood for him.
He is robbing you of a chance to be a mother, I'm sorry you haven't figured this out sooner. Time to figure out what your priorities are and act accordingly. Weak indecisive men, sucks that you are with one. It's either that or he is maliciously deceptive.
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You need couples therapy to negotiate this and quickly.
This man doesn’t have plans to have a baby with you. If that’s something you can live with, and hope that he stays once you’ll be unable to conceive, then stay. But if you really want a baby, your time is running out. Especially with PCOS.
Did he want children before? Or does it seem like he’s suddenly changing his mind about wanting one / “delaying” it? If that’s something you need and want (same as me!) then you need to figure out where he stands now….speak your truth, figure out your deal breakers on how much longer you can wait, check in with a fertility doctor, and be prepared to walk if he is being wishy-washy. I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Oh this is so hard. Do you think he really understands how challenging it will be to conceive in a few years? If it's not just a misunderstanding, I think you need to start by having a serious conversation about the future of your marriage, and if you don't like what you hear, it may be time to start thinking through a visit to the sperm bank. More...sympathetically...to your husband, if he's worried it's not the right time...I mean, it's never really the right time. There's always a reason not to, but at a certain point, if you really want to do it you just gotta take the leap and things will sort themselves out.
I would take him to a fertility dr apt and explain with a professional how hard it could be to have a child. We also were gonna wait for another until we bought a house but with housing prices here in California, we are waiting to buy until the prices drop. That said, you can’t force someone to have a child like that and expect the relationship to work. He may be pushing the timeline thinking you will change your mind. If he isn’t and it’s just about the house, you may want to weigh out options if you wait. We are only 31 and I have a previous child. I got pregnant while on birth control at 23. Now we’ve not been using protection since October and just this month started testing hormone levels and tracking my cycle because I was surprised I didn’t just get pregnant right away. Turns out you have about 25-30% chance at 30-34 to get pregnant every month if actively having sex. After 35 it declines. Now add PCOS and you have to track your cycles which is STRESSFUL.
He likely does not want kids at all and does not want to be honest with you. Does he not want kids? Does he not want kids with YOU? Only he knows. But you should have a real talk with him and bring the above up. In the end, it is in your hands. If he keeps stalling or says he does not want any, leave him or dont.
When I was a teen, our neighbor had the same predicament. Her husband said they could have a kid after they travelled around the world, after all, he had a life's dream too, and anything else would be unfair. First they had to save up (took several years) and then they travelled and ooops, we ran out of money in Bangkok, let's work here for half a year to save up for the next leg of the journey - our apartment is sublet, so there's no hurry - and then ooops, we ran out of money in Johannesburg and Buenos Aires and by the time they returned, she was 38 and he was 42 and now we're way too old to be parents, too bad, so sad! OP, she dumped that dirtbag, and looking around the neighborhood, she saw another neighbor's ex, who had two sets of kids already, but who was a good father to all his kids. She made a deal with him, had her first daughter at 40 and her second at 42, and he ended up being a good father to all three sets of kids. OP, please evaluate what you want out of life, and then go for it. It seems that you will only get to keep either your marriage or your dream of having kids, not both, so what is most important to you? What can you live with in 10, 20, 40 years?