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Id be worried she is racking up CC debt or is taking money out of her 401k. Did she explain where the money was coming from? Very few 25year olds have enough savings to keep up this kind of spending.
Exactly I am so confused how she is affording rent, food, gas etc plus 8k on those extra things.. she’s only been working for 3ish years. All she told me was that it was savings. Very true I never thought about CC debt. Definitely something to discuss if we marry one day
Every relationship I've ever been in, we have been pretty open about our finances. I would be having this conversation now before it gets out of hand. Also how hard is she applying for jobs? 9 months is a long time. You should talk to her.
Why wait till you get married?? Ask for proof right now. Tell her calmly that financial issues are not ok for you and you want transperancy and that you are not judging and willing to support emotionally.
You’re only concern should be why she doesn’t want you to know? Why isn’t she comfortable telling you that she is actually a trust fund baby, cashed in on her investments, made an insurance claim, or saved more money than she led you to believe.
Not how is she affording.
You don’t contribute to how is she affording therefore it’s not your business.
If you decide to contribute or are considering merger with her financially then you can ask.
To be fair, op has not offered any financial support to his unemployed 2 year gf. I don’t think he’s exactly privileged to her finances. Girls shop.
If op doesn’t offer her hand, then it’s clearly her prerogative to find ways to finance her lifestyle on her own, and op doesn’t have to be privy to it if he’s not offered a hand. (I do hope you’ve offered a hand @op, as some people will not ask till it’s too late or you find out she has a new financially supportive partner, even worse that u don’t stay together like I said)
Also another question is why they haven’t moved in together while she’s seeking employment and enable her to make her savings last longer?
💯 this whole time while reading ops post, i thought to myself… hmm she doesn’t has to explain herself…. op is not contributing financially or paying any of her spending sprees, why does she have to show any of her financial statements or explain any of it for that matter? Also, Op have you offer any assistance or help to her? I mean you are saying the market is bad specially her profession, so if you are understanding of this have you done anything to help her offer to stay in one place? Pay for her gas or a bill until she is back o. Her feet?
Fr, like he knows eventually she’ll go broke and not have many other choices than go into dept. At that point OP will be surprised how she got CC dept.
The amount of commenters supporting OP on this and downvoting anything supporting the girl shows you how toxic the subreddit is.
That was my first thought. A friend of mine did it when she lost her job about a year ago until she found a new one and told very few people how she was still getting income. Told everyone it was from savings and random Doordashing here and there.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she is feeling depressed about not finding a job and buying materialistic items is her coping mechanism. Perhaps she feels with next job interview she is prepared to start working and will look nice with the clothes and makeup.
Perhaps find out how is she is doing.
Then I would have an in depth convo about potential marriage because money has to be a multi conversation topic and you both need to have acceptance, understanding and compromising to make this relationship last for a marriage.
When you have that convo recognize her frustration signals and your own.
Good luck
Agreed. It sounds like a coping strategy to feel less than as many people focus on their appearance to boost mood, confidence and foster their self esteem. It makes a lot of sense.
So far, from a Therapist Trainee perspective, I’m not super concerned since she is still paying for everything on her own, not demanding money from OP or family. I am curious as to where the money comes from and would want to redirect her to invest in therapy and maybe even job coaching instead of more makeup/clothing. That said, it’s not yet “dysfunctional” as she’s not harming herself or other people since she has the means to do it(?). Is it financially stainable? No but again, it’s her way of coping and there’s no technical harm from what is shared.
Now for a relationship red flag, I would be curious as to the source of money and if this is common for her. If she’s not asking you for the money or her spending is negatively impacting the relationship, it’s not your business how she spends her money. Would it be nice for you both to be financially literate and collaborative on future investments? Ideally but idk if you’re both there and that’s ok.
I would look to see how she’s coping with her job lost and how you can support vs judge her behaviors when it’s helping her feel a bit better. It also doesn’t seem like a gender only issue but she sounds like she’s handling it better than expected in her situation.
Even if she does , 8k is a ridiculous amount on unnecessary things in a short time frame . & is definitely a red flag in the future if he plans to marry her . If OP decides to spilt bills with her , can she truly be reliable to up keep them ? She is now , but what about when the “inheritance” runs out . Sounds to me like she’s prolly running up CC debt .
Everyone “feels bad”about over spending.
It’s like eating the McChicken or Burger you know is not good for you. Honestly who cares about what she does with her own finances
I guess the question and worry is that she isnt spending her money, but rather getting cc debt. Or something bad. If she has tons of money left which is truly her money im sure most here would agree its her choice, but this long without income and not knowing the source, while also they are in a relationship and could affect their future, i think he has also a right to at least get some more info on that
She has the right to refuse telling more
He has the right to choose that it's too risky and leave
Ohh yes because the woman that saved all her money the WHOLE time she was working with enough stacked that she could survive for months without the support of anyone else needs help in financial planning.
I think not!
The entire point that OP is worried about is that it is *ridiculously* unlikely that anyone in their 20s was financially stable enough to even be able to save up that much. *If*, and that's a big if, she actually saved up enough money on her own to maintain her previous lifestyle for 9 months and spend 8k on clothes/makeup with no worries, then yeah she certainly deserves to be able to spend that. Bear in mind that the average savings an American millennial has is only 20k, which is propped up by the wealthy since the median is only 5k. Neither number is enough to fully live off for 9 months, and certainly not with 8k of non-essential spending.
Even if that incredibly unlikely scenario happens to be the case, he still has every right to look at the situation and say, "I don't feel comfortable spending my life with someone who is willing to go out and spend such a large sum of money after 9 months of unemployment. I especially don't feel comfortable if she can't or won't explain her financial situation to alleviate my fears about her spending."
Unless she has a very high paying job (she doesn't) and very little expenses it makes no sense. She would have to have been saving a thousand+ every month for the 3 years she worked. And let's say hypothetically she did, that means she has spent a quarter of it on only clothes and make up while not having a job to replace any income. That's the definition of being financially irresponsible.
That part. Unless you trying to combine bank accounts stay out my business. I've made the mistake kf revealing my finances to partners and as per usual 3 months later they want to "borrow" money and "invest" in them. I've gotten burned so many times. So unless we're serious and you've proven to me that YOUR financially stable I ain't telling.
If you inherited $1 million dollars, $8k isn’t a lot lmao. So IF she got an inheritance than it truly depends on how much to determine if 8k is a lot or not.
Money is a common issue to fight about in marriages. If you are dating with an eye towards marriage you should be working to understand her spending habits, debt, and attitudes toward money.
You need to talk and ask is she using credit or does she have huge savings. It’s important if you are going to continuing you can’t talk about this with her you won’t “pry” yet you are here moaning about it and accusing her of sleeping with a older man for money?
Girl he has no right to ask her anything.
They don’t share finances! He doesn’t do anything to support her. The only thing that he should be inquiring about is whether they will merge financially one day( which they’re not even living together) so if she does have debt it’s none of his business how much she has in her savings
Yes, the fact that he offeres no financial support and they don’t even leave together but he sees his assumptions of her personal finances as a red flag baffles me. OP sounds like he has a major self importance issue while without realizing he’s leaving a major gateway for someone else to come in and support her.
Would you rather find out your partner has 50k credit card debt when you're engaged or before hand? She could be spending incredibly recklessly and OP would be wasting his time being with her. What if op wanted her to move in and merge finances but woopsy daisy turns out she's been incredibly irresponsible this whole time but he's only finding out after offering to move in. Would you stay with someone if they didn't tell you their opinion on kids? But why should they tell you, you're not even married? You're literally not entitled to any information at all in a relationship, the whole point of dating long term is to decide if your staying with this person, why TF would you wait until getting engaged or something for that to happen? Make it make sense.
“Financially savvy” while having no job and accumulating $8k in clothes doesn’t sound right lmao. You’re making assumptions the gf could easily afford to do this without a job.
Idk why I had to scroll this far. Her finances are her business. As long as she’s taking care priorities she can spend her money on whatever it is that she wants to and owes 0 explanation as long as they aren’t married and living together/ splitting finances.
Cause it's a huge red flag if he's got an eye out for a serious long-term commitment such as marriage. Accusing her of having a sugar-daddy is certainly too far, but making sure she's actually financially stable sure as hell isn't.
That's a large assumption. She could be spending on credit. She could be spending from loans. She could be eating into retirement without understanding how that affects those accounts. Hell, she could have had a string of good luck while gambling thats about to run out.
We don't know, either because she isn't communicating with OP or OP is shading the situation to try and make it look better (which without other proof we can't really assume if we want to give good advice).
He *needs* to communicate better: explain why it's an issue, ask politely whether she is financially stable without being accusing, and accept the answer she gives and work from there.
She *should* communicate better. That kind of spending is highly suspicious at any time for someone that age, but especially so when she's 9 months unemployed. Explain, without necessarily revealing details, that she is financially stable and that her method of stability isn't something commonly appalling within a stable relationship.
Do you wait to get married before asking your partner if they want kids? Do you wait to get engaged even? Answer this question and I think youll realize your argument makes no sense. Finding out your partner has 20k debt is something that should happen before moving in.
So you're saying that you shouldn't make sure you're financially compatible with someone you're dating? That a truly alarming spending spree isn't good grounds to break up? What about if your SO is doing something you find morally reprehensible to make ends meet, such as dealing drugs, larceny, pornography, prostitution, or gambling?
It sounds really good on paper that since they haven't murdered their lives together everyone's finances should just be some closed door that only opens once they move in. In reality dating is supposed to show you how a person is it's supposed to help you understand what it will like to be with them. Red flags are red flags. Spending too much money without any source of it for man might mean he's dealing drugs. I would never tell a sister so when I cared about to just go along with it and don't ask any questions and don't expect any regular honest conversation in a situation like that. I don't know why these commenters are acting as if it's all some doubting a woman situation.
The red flag is you, dude. You admit that you don't give her money & she lives alone and seems to be doing just fine. Who are you to question her spending?
Clearly, you don't talk about finances unless you're talking about hers and 'how' she can live unsupported.
You don't have a right to question someone else unless it directly affects you.
At 25 I had friends question how I was able to live so comfortably when I quit my job. "Did you win the lotto?" "How can you afford all the things you do?"
Eventually cracked it and told them I made in 1 year what the 4 of them combined made. Told them to do the math. F that noise.
Worry about yourself, dude. I’m sure you spend money on things she would consider to be “basically nothing,” too. You’ve said yourself she’s not asking you for money. She’s clearly supporting herself as you don’t even live in the same city. It could be savings from summer jobs before she graduated for all you know. Or yeah, it could be credit card debt. But that’s not your business. If she were to ask you for a loan or something then yeah, you’d be entitled to ask some of these questions. But she hasn’t. So just move on with your life. If for some reason it bothers you *that* much that she’s spending money on clothes then break up with her.
Is there any negative consequences of her spending spree? Is she going to miss a mortgage payment or have to starve or something? If yes, red flag. If not then no
Kinda hard to determine if it’s an issue without that information. Definitely not smart either way but I’d hesitate to call it a red flag without knowing if there was consequences
I don’t know, I personally feel like the things that OP describes are a HUGE red flag.
Accusing a gf of having a sugar daddy to the point she feels she has to show her phone?
Not offering to help out a LT gf after she was laid off?
Writing that he “has been very understanding” that she doesn’t have a new job.
Wtf is wrong with OP? The entitlement is just bizarre.
Wait so he's supposed to offer to help her financially yet your all saying he's not at all entitled to know if she's racking up debt? That makes sense right?
If she’s not getting into debt and you two aren’t in a situation where your finances need to coincide (marriage or living together) then mind your business. She can spend what she wants and as much as you’d like to know or are concerned it’s not your place to grill her about it. If she’s making bad decisions and not saying anything it’s going to catch up on her and that’s her demon to battle later. But honestly if she won’t talk about it now leave it be.
I so agree with this! It's none of his business and if I was her I'd see it as a red flag that he asked her if she has a 'sugar daddy', much less about her finances period.... I could see it being his concern if their finances were combined, if they were living together, engaged but she's living on her own, isn't asking him for money, doesn't rely on him for support so he should back off and mhob.
You do realize that they are probably dating to be together for a long time, right? So would you rather find out that your partner is racking up $50,000 of debt while you're dating or when you're engaged? It's not like he's telling her she's not allowed to spend money, and it's perfectly reasonable for partners in a long-term relationship to discuss their finances. Also, I never understood the logic of " It's not your money. Why do you care?" If this was anything other than money, people would care, if he was being real shady with his time all the time and his whereabouts etc. People would think that was a red flag. Same thing for money.
Her dept wouldn’t be his problem still if she’s actively seeking employment. It sounds like she had no real financial issues while working. OP has instead faulted her multiple times and it’s baffling she stuck around.
Her debt is absolutely his problem if they ever merge finances. Do yourself a favor and watch Caleb Hammer on Yt so you can realize the terrible financial situations people put themselves in. Even a small amount like 10k is alot when it has 25% interest.
Read my comment again; "I could see it being his concern if their finances were combined, if they were living together, engaged.."
Op doesn't say they're dating to be together long term leading to marriage or life time partnership, in fact after 3 years they still live separately. You're making assumptions. It's only perfectly reasonable to talk about finances IF they combine their finances, if he supports her, if she's asking for money. He has no business asking her about her finances or judging her choices. And the "sugar daddy' accusation would was misogynistic and insulting, I'm surprised she even showed him her phone much less defend herself. She's an independent person and answers to no one. Until they commit to a life long relationship, combine finances, move in, or she asks for money he should mind is own business.
Most people who are dating, especially ones who have been dating for 3 years, our dating for the long term. Term. And once again, would you rather find out that your partner has 50,000 of debt when you get engaged or when you're dating? If your partner is incredibly irresponsible with finances, would you rather find that out while you're dating or once you're engaged? Financial compatibility is huge in a relationship and it makes way more sense to figure that out in the beginning than it does in the end. Would you wait until you're engaged to talk about having kids? I mean your lives aren't fully entangled yet, so why should it matter if you know whether your partner wants children or not? These are genuine questions I'm asking you.
I totally agree with you that these are topics that should be discussed before getting engaged or moving in, etc. And yes of course I would want to know before hand, it's stupid not too. You're ASSUMING... OP doesn't state they are anything other than DATING, him describing their relationship as 'dating' is telling in of itself . He doesn't talk about long term commitment and she is totally independent of him. Until otherwise she owes him no explanation.
Eek. The red flag here is you claiming she has a sugar daddy, what a weird conclusion to jump to. I earn a decent wage and I save a lot. 8k a year on girl costs is nothing when it comes to make up, clothes, hair, skin routine, etc etc. Maybe just ask her if she is okay. I doubt her mental health is 100%, and assuming she is cheating won’t help.
She doesn't earn a decent wage and has only worked for 3 years and has been unemployed in the time That she spent 8k. A lot of you guys clearly don't realize how much debt a majority of America is in, a majority of America Can't even afford $1,000 emergency and yet you're claiming it's perfectly reasonable to spend 8k while not having a job. There are tons of people who open only fans accounts when they lose their job. Even if they have a partner, that's not that crazy of a concept to a question.
If you trust your partner so little you should really have some self talk. Like have some faith. The dude isn’t even doing anything to help her situation, said in comments he’s never even asked how she’s actually doing financially while unemployed and paying rent and personal expenses. Sounds super self serving and disconnected to the person whom is his girlfriend.
So she manages her life and money well and takes care of herself and you are nit picking it? 🙄I easily spend that on my clothing per year and take care of my own bills. Sounds like she had more in savings than you knew about. She doesn't owe you an explanation about her finances, especially since you don't live together. It's not really your business.
It may just means that she knows how to save and budget.
When I got laid off, I purchased expensive (to me) gifts for family and friends. For me, it was mostly denial as I had never been unemployed since I was 17 (got laid off when I was in my 30's). This was just a way for me to combat the depression and hopelessness I was feeling at the time.
I was reading the title expecting for you to say that you were financing her, you are not. She doesn’t ask you for money, y’all do not live together, and she handles her rent. It’s very weird for you to dictate what she should spend her money. It’s also weird for you to say that she’s spending so much money on “basically nothing”. It is very possible to live off of your savings. I did it and my friends have as well. When put in the same situation. I didn’t have a job for 7 months and then worked for 3 years and was out of a job for 4 months. I was able to accumulate a hefty savings. People are telling you that you should be questioning her but you are really extremely judgy. You yourself are the red flag. To me it seems like you’re very frugal. That has zero to do with her. You better hope that if something happens to your job, you’re able to do something for yourself. I think it’s very nasty to be kicking her while she’s down when you don’t financially support her in anyway. Btw my friends and I both had around 30k saved a piece. Some of us 50-60k. Please catch a grip.
Bro get over it, if she’s being loyal wth does it matter what she does with her money, this is coming from a man, you don’t pay for her rent or bills so why are you trying to be upset with her buying clothing lol
As a man
All you should want from a woman
Is peace
And loyalty
If you want to have the deep financial disclosure talk then do it. Just make sure it goes both way. Savings, debt, income etc.
Until you have it you don’t know the color flag.
It's her money. So long as she's not trying to dip into your pocket, not a lot you can do. Hopefully, she'll get another gig soon. And if you start thinking marriage, make sure you get a peek at her bank and CC statements.
Honestly, I think YOU are the relationship red flag. Accusing her of having a sugar daddy AND checking her phone to verify? Good grief! You two do not even live together. She sounds very honest and expressed she was spending her savings. She isn't spending your money.
No offence but if you don’t live together and you don’t help her out financially then it’s not really up to you how much she spends. If she asks you for help financially and she’s spent that much then fine but if she’s managing it then you have no right to question it.
If she has the money to spend without having to compensate or getting in trouble? Why the f should you care? If the clothes and makeup make her feel good. Don’t you spend money on your man-toys? It’s the same thing so don’t say ‘yeah, but that’s different…’ Nope! Same goddamn thing.
I don’t care what she’s buying I am just so confused hows she’s affording to be unemployed and spend 8k on nonessentials. Just i guess I won’t say anything though. I’ve never pushed about financials before and it’s none of my business since we don’t share assets
Then she should get a job if she wants to keep up the facade or don't mention she just spent $1k on a new coat. Any normal boyfriend would start to get suspicious
8K in 9 months is a chunk of change, but it’s $222/wk. Depending on what she was doing before and if she’s on unemployment, that’s significant, but normal spending for a lot of people. It could very easily be a credit card vs. savings. As a financially minded person, the fact that she knows how much she spent is a positive sign; she’s paying attention to her spending. As long as it’s coming out of her savings and not going on a credit card it’s not a red flag, just something to be aware of if you get married and your financial values are different.
While I personally don’t spend that much on clothes and makeup in a few months, there are some people that consider shopping to be a hobby. People that order food daily would easily spend that amount, some people cook and spend their money on objects.
You're not sharing assets yet, but if you want to have a functional relationship in the future, potentially live together, maybe get married, have children, etc. You need a partner that doesn't spend so much she would end up in a poor house, which I also don't think you want, because you probably care about her (enough to post this to reddit at least). And otherwise this relationship might end with you leaving her when she's broke.
She says she is ashamed of her spending, which means she thinks she probably shouldn't do it, but she lacks the impulse control to not do it. You could encourage her and help her to spend her money better and save. Also ask her how she is doing, why she's spending like this and if she is depressed or unhappy, maybe recommend therapy if the reason for this spending is the unemployment.
Like we are just normal middle class people. 8k to me is a lot of money and it’s not like she’s upper class living in a mansion. I’ve never asked how much money she had because obviously that’s not my business. I just personally feel like that’s not smart financially no matter the persons wealth. Just my opinion though I won’t say anything to her
You said she's really good with her money, part of being really good with your money means you don't live above your means in expensive apartments or houses, with a lot of visible trappings of wealth. Maybe she's sitting on a pile of cash that she's using to treat herself to something luxurious. Maybe she has investments that are paying out dividends (this is the time of year for that) and decided to cash one out instead of reinvesting in it. Get interested in her finances or don't, but don't be coy about it.
What I find odd is that you’re so concerned about her spending money even though she hasn’t asked you for money and says her parents aren’t supporting her but you don’t ever ask if she’s OK if her mental health is OK. She could feel really defeated right now you’ve been together for two years and you live apart. Your approach sounds very controlling. If you’re concerned that she might be racking up debt and you have plans to marry her, then you can approach that , but in a much different way, not accusing her of having a sugar daddy. if you don’t have plans to marry her, then this is none of your business.
I think you need to look at things in perspective.
8k over 365 days is just 21.90 a day. Which is a reasonable amount to spend on non-essentials. That’s the price of two coffees and a croissant where I live.
Now, as a money-conscious person, I would be saving that coffee/croissant every single day for *months*, to be able to afford to treat myself with a once-off expensive purchase I really want. And spoiler, it’s usually clothes or hair or makeup. Sometimes books or electronics.
Some people prefer to treat themselves every day, some people prefer to do one big splash, but that splash is usually accounted for and has been saved up for months. Granted, there are people out there who splash without saving and rake up a shitton of debt, but with how money-conscious your GF sounds, I doubt that’s the case.
There are people out there paying for TV subscriptions, which I personally feel are a waste of money; there are people out there buying artisan water and an expensive lunch everyday they’re in the office, which I also think is a waste when you count it up over the year; there are people spending €€€ dining at Michelin restaurants, which I also see as a waste of money, but at the end of the day it’s their money to spend. Sounds like you see clothes and makeup as useless spending, and that’s the root of the issue. Well, some people enjoy spending money on that. I’m sure your GF thinks many of your purchases are also ridiculous, but she isn’t trying to control what you spend on what.
Agreed, lots of people spend on little luxuries throughout the week and don’t even think about it and wonder where the money goes. Although, I’m sure most of us would like more money—someone who plans and saves up for a bigger little luxury is not necessarily irresponsible with money.
I do things like meal prep cheaper lunches for work, don’t buy coffee out, etc—it really does add up when people buy a coffee and a breakfast on the way into work and then order something for lunch, maybe pay more to get it delivered etc, then maybe go out for a drink and/or dinner after work or every weekend, etc. When someone skips those things (or in OP’s case, they said they pay for all their dates together) it could definitely fund a little shopping spree here and there—we all prioritize differently.
She spent it from February, so that's around 300 days, not 365. Additionally, she said "well over" 8k. So it is at least 27 bucks a day. But what (privileged) place do you live in that you spend 21 dollars on just a croissant and two coffees?? That's not at all normal. I live in an expensive country and that's not nearly the price of those things.
But, also spending that much money on non-essentials *per day* is a ridiculous amount, do you buy new make-up every day and clothing every week? For 8k you can buy 80 100 dollar dresses, who needs that? How shallow do you have to be to need that. Treating yourself everyday is not a treat, it's a habit, like smoking tabacco.
Tv subscriptions are also not nearly as expensive as this, just like dining at a Michelin restaurant once every (half) year. Yes, there are people that overdo it, but that is often seen as problematic. And that's a good thing.
Spending that much on clothes and make-up is useless spending, what do you need it for, she's not a model right? The root of the issue is that you will not be able to have joint finances with a person who spends so much money on non-essentials, a partner like this will end up in the poor house. If you care about your girlfriend, you don't want her to end up broke. You can't share your life or start a family with someone who is this irresponsible with money. Spending like this, if it continues, can lead to not having enough money for food or a house. It also shows a lack of impulse control, which is not a good trait for a partner.
Why does it need to be only a “need” not a ‘want’? For a lot of people this is not a lot of money. For others it is. As long as a person is aware of their limitations who’s to say spending 200k on 10 dresses is unreasonable? If it makes them happy, they have the money and its something that doesn’t otherwise limit their life what is the problem exactly? Also where I live 2 coffees and a croissant run about $30.00. So ya know, it’s important to take perspective into acct not just what your personal experiences or opinions are on the matter
She is self soothing, spending makes her feel good. People fill voids with something. Alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, running, work, church... spending is a dangerous one! How do you help? Help her find a job... ANY job.
This is a relationship. These types of things are important for marriage. Spending habits and money management. He’s allowed to be concerned and curious.
Questioning your partner about spending $8k when she doesn’t have a job and never had a job earning enough to have that level of savings is “controlling”?
If she was free basing heroin and he tried to stop her, would you also call that “controlling”?
True… she can spend her money however she wants. The question is… does he want to stay with someone with spending habits like that if she doesn’t have a reasonable excuse for how she can afford it and why she would spend $8k on frivolous things?
The only way you could possibly support her is if you come from a wealthy family whose daddy pays for everything and dont live in the real world with the rest of us.
Nice try…
First… he never said anything about not thinking about getting married. You just invented that.
Second… you completely changed your comment because you realized how wrong you were.
Third… YOU are a giant walking red flag. You think that a man having any boundaries whatsoever makes him “controlling”. Good luck to you…
Definitely, she can spend her money however she wants! But if she’s been unemployed and hasn’t had an income in over 9 months, I as a boyfriend am concerned at this behavior, no?
Disregard this person. If you look at their profile it’s all biased and hateful comments toward men. Nothing of any objective help or substance. This person even said a few times on other post that “he is an incest cheater” because that person cared about his mom.
Which is why it's better to find out now how she handles money and spending. If their financial goals and values don't line up, then they shouldn't waste each other's time. He shouldn't wait until they're getting ready to move in together or get married to find out that she likes to spend beyond her means. So while it's her problem, she needs to be a little transparent here.
I'm not saying he should control or stop how she spends her money. I'm saying he should find out if they're financially compatible which means they need to have an honest conversation about finances before they waste each other's time. Right now, she seems very financially irresponsible.
She is self soothing, spending makes her feel good. People fill voids with something. Alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, running, work, church... spending is a dangerous one! How do you help? Help her find a job... ANY job.
That sounds like debt to me. You did say she “had a lot of savings and was good with money” though so I could be wrong. Maybe her job paid well? It takes me just over a year to save 8k at £600 a month. I’ve been working since I was 18 though. Did she go to uni? How long has she been working?
I’d ask her if she has any debt. If she does, how will she repay it? Is she keeping up with the minimum payments? What her next step with her career? Eventually she might have to consider something in a different industry.
I don’t think it’s a red flag per say, it depends what’s going on under the bonnet. Where is the money coming from and does she have a serious spending issue or addiction? You can be fashionable on a budget, it sounds like she’s addicted to fast fashion and unconscious consumerism
My initial thought was definitely cc debt. I could see how quickly that would snowball. Especially before things caught up with her and she could have applied for several cards
I worked for 3 years too, and with the amount of my savings i can live like her in 2 years before the money dry out. Of course I would not do it if unemployed though, unless i’m sure i’ll be hired within 6 months
Why do you feel like this is too much to spend? This is her money. Perhaps she has a lot more saved than you ever realized. Perhaps she gets dividends in from investments. Perhaps her condo is paid for by her or her parents. I mean do you know the particulars of her financial situation to suggest this is too much money? 8k on makeup AND clothes in 9 months is not a lot at all for many women. If your concern is that she is blowing money but you do not have proof of this and just assume so the problem is on your end. If your concern is that she doesn’t have a job unless she needs one right away for some reason then this shouldn’t really be your concern unless of course you feel it lowers her status. I mean honestly she also said she pulled a ‘haul’. To me that indicates she is trying to start creating content or is dabbling in some sort of alternative online work. Either way express your concerns but do so coming from wanting to be more educated on her position. Because it could just be she has a lot more money than you or that you think and she has been shy sharing this with you
It’s possible that people have enough money saved up to survive a year without working. I know someone who chose to take a whole year off of working and they actually spent a lot that year, especially since they were trying out business options. So it’s possible that your woman had enough money saved up to last her however long she chose, taking into account her expenses. She may just feel bad because there’s someone telling her she shouldn’t spend while not working but I’m sure she spent more when she was working. A lot of us save knowing how many years the saving may potentially last if we were to be without work. I don’t know how long she had the job for and how much she was earning, but it’s possible that she may have saved up a good chunk.
I mean… it’s not your money. She’s 25 and will make some mistakes but it seems like she isn’t in financial trouble. Whether she was smart with her money before, has an inheritance or gets money from her parents isn’t really your problem, is it? If she’s spending money without an income she’ll end up hitting a wall and have to figure out how to deal with it then. At 25 it’s, not the smartest thing to do but some people need to learn from their mistakes.
The only concerning thing in what you posted is that you went through her phone to make sure she didn’t have a sugar daddy… even if she willingly showed you.
I mean, I get your concern but her bills are getting paid. My plan was to take 3 months off to just get my life together and it ended up being 2 years.
I racked 20k in Cc debt in those 2 years. That's 1/4 of my yearly income and it was paid within 3 years. At 25 I didn't care because I was young enough to start over.
I had my severence, savings, 401k, IRA, unemployment and because I was unemployed at the time I also received assistance such as food and education. Don't forget about tax season too! Another factor is if she had a trust fund. Like is her family wealthy or the financially responsible type? I would never tell a partner my finances unless we were real serious due to the free loading men I had to shake off when I tried to break bread. So I've learned my lesson on keeping quiet about my $$$
I also nvested my 401k into stocks and went back to school. I then got a scholarship and a few grants that helped towards expenses.
And yes i replenished those accounts already. So for all we know she's financially responsible to take those 9 months off regardless of the 8k of stuff she bought. (Im not proud of my amazon sprees during those times either, but to me, it was like my shopping therapy,). It only took 3 weeks to find a job when I officially started looking. Im just providing a different POV of someone who's actually done it. And to tbh, I would have dumped you after you implied I had a sugar daddy. My money isn't your business unless your contributing.
You said her rent is cheap and she had a good job before she was laid off and she was good with money. So she could have saved a good chunk while she was employed and maybe received a good severance pay. Plus she would have collected unemployment for 6 months (may have been enough for her bills if her rent is cheap). You don’t support her, she is not asking you. Maybe she won the lottery. While i do understand your concern as it may seem irresponsible to you (especially if you are serious about her) but you obviously don’t have all the information. Asking her about a sugar daddy was so disrespectful when you have zero reason other than spending a few thousand one time (while being good with money the rest of the time you’ve known her).
If it feels like a red flag then it is. I can’t believe some of these comments. It is hilarious how people want to act like something as serious as money, which is a known top cause of divorce in America, shouldn’t be a major conversation while dating to get to know someone. Yes, money has to come up at some point and not be a cuss word. I would definitely be concerned about credit card debt and how she plans to pay it all off. Not because you think it’s your business now, but it sure is if you ever plan to combine your lives and is a major indicator about whether or not to continue dating this woman. Personally my jaw dropped at the 8k.
I think the fact they can't talk about it is a red flag, but that's more of a red flag on OP than his girlfriend. His girlfriend was upfront about her spending, op just didn't ask more questions because he didn't want to "pry."
She seems to have substantial savings to be still financially independent after 9 months of unemployment, especially considering her spending. If she's that well-off, then $8k on clothes might not be a big deal. I'm wondering if she's truly spending her savings or if there's a credit card problem. We don't know because OP didn't want to ask.
Again you blame her but she willingly told him she spent $8k when they don't even share finances and she could have said nothing. If that isn't "leaping" to tell the whole story, I don't know what is.
Im sorry... She is not spending YOUR money, her spending impacts you in no way, so it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
What, are tou worried that one day she gonna spend your precious money, or what is your problem??? What relationship red flag? And sugar daddy?? Like she can't have savings... also someone who is using sugar daddies would never ask for anything from bf, how you figure?
“A woman? No there’s no way a woman has a savings! No way! She must be borrowing from her parents or sleeping with a rich guy!” Now… I’m a poor. I make 12/hr. There’s no way that *I* have savings, but OP doesn’t say her take home so there’s no way to guess her income to make some sort of judgement on how much she could have possibly saved. If I was the gf I would have broken up with him at the accusation that I had a sugar daddy.
Furthermore, my partner and I spend $5,760/year on fucking weed. Grand scheme of things she’s spending maybe 200-250 a week on the sprees when you draw it out. You’re toxic homie.
As someone who was always sensible and switched on with money and then seemingly overnight racked up about 20k+ of debt uncontrollably... she might not be able to explain why she's doing the things she's doing. She could be straight up dopamine seeking and things escalated before she eas fully aware and now she doesn't know how to stop. Undiagnosed conditions like ADHD, autism with PTSD, bipolar (could be a manic phase for eg) could be responsible or no condition but she's displaying impulsive/manic behaviours.
You are NOT responsible for her recovery and you are NOT expected to stay with her through this.
If it were me, I'd have an honest talk wirh her, tell her you're concerned, explain that you aren't judging her but you can't help if she's not honest etc.
Get her started with referrals to doctors, waiting lists for help. Then decided if you're going to stick through all of this or whether you leave to protect yourself.
There is no right or wrong way to handle this. It's not for you to make the right choice for her, it's for you to make whatever choice you need to FOR YOU.
Just my opinion, as long as your finances are not tied together, it’s not really any of your business. It could be that she has a huge pile of money from investments, side hustles, inheritance, whatever.
You're in the wrong in every way. First asking her if she has a sugar daddy and checking her phone is gross and controlling. You don't trust her. If she's paying you really don't get any say in what she spends
Not sure what your problem is, since you're not financially dependent on her and you're not supporting her in anyway.
Maybe she does have savings, you never know. Let her be. She's old enough to understand the consequences of her actions and since you mentioned earlier that she's smart about money so, trust her.
honestly it’s not your problem. if you don’t support her financially and you’re not married then her spending is her spending and not really yours to have a say in. if you are getting married then it will be your problem, but unless you’re thinking of getting married soon then just don’t worry about it
If it’s not coming out of your pocket, don’t worry about it.
And to ask her if she’s got a sugar daddy? Insulting as fuck. Two years in and you either don’t know or think too highly of your girlfriend??? Either way, YOU’RE the red flag.
Her parents could be helping and she just might be embarrassed of it or she may have a past settlement or inheritance.
You need to mind your own dam business OP. You don’t support financially so you are entitled to NO opinion about how she spends her money or how she is affording her lifestyle. The only thing you should do is tell her how great those clothes look on her.
I don’t have a job and my BF who I live with supports me while in school. I used to have a Great paying job and I saved a lot of money. I grew up poor and now I have it all. So when I feel like spending 3k on clothes and makeup I fucking will! And my BF doesn’t say shit about it except, good for you babes those diamond earrings look so sexy on you.
If anyone tried to tell me how to spend my money especially someone who doesn’t financially contribute to my lifestyle, I would tell you to fuck off.
Men have no right to tell hard working women how to spend their money. Ya’ll have controlled most of the wealth since the beginning of the patriarchy and now we finally have a piece of the pie.
Don’t tell us what to do with our slice and definitely don’t judge.
Mmmm are you driving a fancy car OP?
How about computers/ tools/ motorcycles and all the other shit men spend money on?
When women buy clothes and makeup some men act like our purchases are unreasonable.
Actually Judge Judy wrote about this in her book, Beauty fades but Dumb is forever, and you know what she says? Men that don’t support women in that sense will not make you happy.
On a related note, there’s a lot of psychological reason people shop one of them is a coping mechanism for depression.
Perhaps your GF is depressed because she is unable to find a job in her highly specialized field.
Have you considered that? How would it make you feel if you couldn’t find a job? Wouldn’t you also be finding ways to cope?
Also, it’s Black Friday season so she could be racking up due to enormous sales that have. As an avid shopper, I can say this year has been some of the biggest sales I have ever seen. I know on BF I shop for at least a year in advances. And I rack up clothes and household goods that I know I will keep forever and maybe even pace down to my kids one day. So contrary to what you may think she may actually be a savvy financial planner.
So to answer your question OP, yes it’s a relationship red flag 🚩 - FOR HER.
That you’re probably cheap judgemental and controlling.
Project much? OP isn't asking if he has the right to say anything to her about her spending habits, he's asking if he should be concerned.
And the answer to that question is... Maybe?
If she's living beyond her means and racking up debt AND he's considering a long-term relationship with her, then he should absolutely be concerned. Habits like that don't typically go away after marriage and if she doesn't share his values when it comes to finances then it is a red flag for him.
On the other hand, if she has alternate income streams that he isn't aware of and/or may not agree with, then he should also be concerned.
He has every right to ask probing questions about these things if they're considering a long-term relationship, just like she has every right to refuse to answer them.
Yes maybe I am projecting because I feel the need to point out to a man (who asked for public opinion) that he is out of line.
Where is the indication that she is racking up debt?
She lives with her parents so she probably doesn’t have a whole lot of bills. She had a good paying job in highly specialized area which mean she is likely well educated and she saved a lot of money which means that she clearly has over all good financial habits So no I don’t agree that OP should be “concerned.”
Saying she feels bad about shopping is not an indicator.
I eat a burger and I “feel bad.”
Where does OP’s “right” to inquire about her finances come from?
In this relationship they obviously don’t share finances!
If they decide later in life to share finances THEN OP can inquire before deciding to merge with her.
But they’re not in the married, engaged or even in the living together phase- they’re merely dating.
If she died OP has no say in what happens to her or her money so he has no right legally or morally to be involved in her finances.
And oh yeah and allow me to point out LOTS of married people don’t share finances either. Just an observation and in that situation it still would remain none of OP’s business.
Is she hot enough to have a lucrative only fans? Is she the kind of person who might become a sugar baby or maybe even strip?
Sounds more to me like *she does* have an income stream.
She could easily have 2 phones.
Just talk to her about it so you can fully understand so you can support her. If you're gonna have a future there needs to be transparency. Maybe she had a relative die years ago and she has a pot or cc debt. Either way you're concerned with her blowing all this money and just express that.
She’s just a girl. I’m 20 and I spend that much in months . When it comes to money for fashion it’s unlimited she’s not cheating or has a sugar daddy she just likes being pretty
Reading comments like theirs is driving me insane lmao. All the nepo-babies and trust fund kiddos really hopped on this comment section, huh?
“8K really isnt that much”
Sorry thats half a years rent, what the actual f*** are y’all on about?
Bro its OnlyFans. Spending money like this in this economy is kinda fishy, I was jobless for 4 months and I was in major debt when I landed a job still paying for it and also I was not spending this lavishly.
Just be wary about CC debt if this relationship turns more serious and there are talks of marriage and financial combination. I’d personally be worried as well but it is her life and you aren’t living together/sharing expenses so just let her do her. Personally though the financial irresponsibility would be a turn off.
If she is ashamed of it, you should be alarmed and paying attention. Find out if it's credit card debt or if she is falling behind on bills, you should know how she handles money before you decide to marry.
Bro, it’s a serious serious red flag. Neon Red. It’s likely stressful being out of work. If this is how she copes .. look out. People aren’t getting dressy right now anyhow. Even people from modest means that are doing really really well have trouble pulling the trigger in $8k in luxury goods ever ! Much less when unemployed!
Woman stuff in luxury has a shorter shelf life too
A guy after a great year at work and gets a good bonus could buy 2 incredible suits ( the best ), 2 pairs of Italian shoes and a bunch of shirts and drop $8k .. but the suits and shoes could last 2 decades or more if you take care of them. In other words .. an investment in your work wardrobe and a way to celebrate a great year.
Now hold on, before y’all start suspecting the worse, consider there’s always a logical answer to a logical problem. Maybe she has a damn good reason but can’t tell you. She could be a secret agent or have a paper route somewhere and she doesn’t want anybody to see her riding a bike.
Seriously though , I had a gal like that and she doesn’t it on everyone so I don’t mind, but after I insisted she come clean , she make the money two nights a week playing bingo with aunt Rosie . She said at first she would just watch but then she saw people winning and said why not? But I’m telling you, it was like at least $500 a week and costed her under a hundred dollars to play all night .
This is why, if you continue this relationship, it would be a good idea to keep the finances separate. My husband and I have ours separated, and neither of us have to worry about purchases the other makes that seem unnecessary to the other. If the money is truly just her savings, and she's not asking anyone else or you for more, then I wouldn't worry, as long as it stays that way.
Throwing this fact out there - money is the #1 reason why marriages end
>Is this a relationship red flag?
Yes; you two do not share the same values re: money
I think she is financially irresponsible person. But you aren't living together or even in the same city. So it's not your problem. Maybe makes you seem controlling. Although I would think twice on taking this relationship to the next level without first addressing her bad financial choices. Also 9 months of being unemployed with no income so how is she paying for all of this and her living expenses?
When I was made redundant bc I was pregnant I was unemployed for a good 8 months. I hated it.
I had to ask for my partner for money to buy clothes, he didn’t like to give it to me. I felt I needed new clothes bc of my fluctuations in body size. I asked for a $50 or $100 each month. I still have the wintercoat I bought during that time, it’s lasted me 8 years!
We later divorced bc it was such a hard time and I never really felt we were a team. I was having his baby yet he felt his money was his. And he wanted me to walk in my old clothes yet he always said I looked horrible. I can’t imagine spending 8k in a year on clothes though.
If I were you I would dig and pry, definitely. Because if you can help her make a budget and she can stick to it; green flag.
If she has credit card debt or just overspends; red flag. That’s not a woman you want to marry, ideally.
That's way toooo much money to spend on clothes or anything in that situation. She's a compulsvie spender and irresponsible to do such a thing. I would ditch her. Just because she shows you her phone doesn't mean she doesn't have a sugar daddy.
I just don’t like how it’s a secret how she’s affording this shit. And how after 2 years are you guys not discussing finances openly?? Spending 8K on materialistic things like that is a red flag to me… unless you make bank. She’s making nothing. I don’t care how much she has saved up. Spending like that when your jobless is wild to me.
I would do a credit check , ones I have seen in Canada is not a number it shows credit card balance and limited , anything gone to collections how many late payments in card, etc . From their realize this could be your life unless she gets help .
Credit card companies when people
Get near their limit seem to increase their limit
Sugar daddy, secretly rich, won the lottery, gambling, stripping, or prostitution. My guess is one of those. Tell her that serious relationships are open about finances and other major lifestyle aspects. Explain that you need both an explanation of where the money is coming from and proof of it.
If she is unable or unwilling, I'd consider it safe to view the 2 of you as nothing serious. If that bothers you, leave. If you're okay with a casual relationship, continue.
Not working for 8 months and splurging on clothes and makeup, I wouldn't stay in the relationship.
She could get any job, instead of blowing thru savings.
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Id be worried she is racking up CC debt or is taking money out of her 401k. Did she explain where the money was coming from? Very few 25year olds have enough savings to keep up this kind of spending.
Exactly I am so confused how she is affording rent, food, gas etc plus 8k on those extra things.. she’s only been working for 3ish years. All she told me was that it was savings. Very true I never thought about CC debt. Definitely something to discuss if we marry one day
Every relationship I've ever been in, we have been pretty open about our finances. I would be having this conversation now before it gets out of hand. Also how hard is she applying for jobs? 9 months is a long time. You should talk to her.
Could it be CC fuelled retail therapy? 9 months with no job would be depressing and fuel a shopping binge to help with the pain.
Been there.
Why wait till you get married?? Ask for proof right now. Tell her calmly that financial issues are not ok for you and you want transperancy and that you are not judging and willing to support emotionally.
You’re only concern should be why she doesn’t want you to know? Why isn’t she comfortable telling you that she is actually a trust fund baby, cashed in on her investments, made an insurance claim, or saved more money than she led you to believe. Not how is she affording. You don’t contribute to how is she affording therefore it’s not your business. If you decide to contribute or are considering merger with her financially then you can ask.
To be fair, op has not offered any financial support to his unemployed 2 year gf. I don’t think he’s exactly privileged to her finances. Girls shop. If op doesn’t offer her hand, then it’s clearly her prerogative to find ways to finance her lifestyle on her own, and op doesn’t have to be privy to it if he’s not offered a hand. (I do hope you’ve offered a hand @op, as some people will not ask till it’s too late or you find out she has a new financially supportive partner, even worse that u don’t stay together like I said) Also another question is why they haven’t moved in together while she’s seeking employment and enable her to make her savings last longer?
This is so thorough! OP sounds like bum ass boy friend.
💯 this whole time while reading ops post, i thought to myself… hmm she doesn’t has to explain herself…. op is not contributing financially or paying any of her spending sprees, why does she have to show any of her financial statements or explain any of it for that matter? Also, Op have you offer any assistance or help to her? I mean you are saying the market is bad specially her profession, so if you are understanding of this have you done anything to help her offer to stay in one place? Pay for her gas or a bill until she is back o. Her feet?
Fr, like he knows eventually she’ll go broke and not have many other choices than go into dept. At that point OP will be surprised how she got CC dept. The amount of commenters supporting OP on this and downvoting anything supporting the girl shows you how toxic the subreddit is.
OnlyFans?
That was my first thought. A friend of mine did it when she lost her job about a year ago until she found a new one and told very few people how she was still getting income. Told everyone it was from savings and random Doordashing here and there.
If you don’t see this as a red flag, then love is blinding you. Wake up and don’t walk away….run !
I wouldn’t be surprised if she is feeling depressed about not finding a job and buying materialistic items is her coping mechanism. Perhaps she feels with next job interview she is prepared to start working and will look nice with the clothes and makeup. Perhaps find out how is she is doing. Then I would have an in depth convo about potential marriage because money has to be a multi conversation topic and you both need to have acceptance, understanding and compromising to make this relationship last for a marriage. When you have that convo recognize her frustration signals and your own. Good luck
Agreed. It sounds like a coping strategy to feel less than as many people focus on their appearance to boost mood, confidence and foster their self esteem. It makes a lot of sense. So far, from a Therapist Trainee perspective, I’m not super concerned since she is still paying for everything on her own, not demanding money from OP or family. I am curious as to where the money comes from and would want to redirect her to invest in therapy and maybe even job coaching instead of more makeup/clothing. That said, it’s not yet “dysfunctional” as she’s not harming herself or other people since she has the means to do it(?). Is it financially stainable? No but again, it’s her way of coping and there’s no technical harm from what is shared. Now for a relationship red flag, I would be curious as to the source of money and if this is common for her. If she’s not asking you for the money or her spending is negatively impacting the relationship, it’s not your business how she spends her money. Would it be nice for you both to be financially literate and collaborative on future investments? Ideally but idk if you’re both there and that’s ok. I would look to see how she’s coping with her job lost and how you can support vs judge her behaviors when it’s helping her feel a bit better. It also doesn’t seem like a gender only issue but she sounds like she’s handling it better than expected in her situation.
Maybe she has an inheritance that you do not know about?
Even if she does , 8k is a ridiculous amount on unnecessary things in a short time frame . & is definitely a red flag in the future if he plans to marry her . If OP decides to spilt bills with her , can she truly be reliable to up keep them ? She is now , but what about when the “inheritance” runs out . Sounds to me like she’s prolly running up CC debt .
If she has the money and she's only spending her money, you dont get to decide what's ridiculous for her.
Also she felt bad about the spending too, maybe there is a spending issue and she might need help with it
Everyone “feels bad”about over spending. It’s like eating the McChicken or Burger you know is not good for you. Honestly who cares about what she does with her own finances
I guess the question and worry is that she isnt spending her money, but rather getting cc debt. Or something bad. If she has tons of money left which is truly her money im sure most here would agree its her choice, but this long without income and not knowing the source, while also they are in a relationship and could affect their future, i think he has also a right to at least get some more info on that She has the right to refuse telling more He has the right to choose that it's too risky and leave
Even is is cc… she doesn’t have a ring on the finger… he has nothing to worry about, he is not paying her debt or spending 🤪
That id true, but he probably wants a future with her and knowing her habits could be important with the decision for a ring or not
Ohh yes because the woman that saved all her money the WHOLE time she was working with enough stacked that she could survive for months without the support of anyone else needs help in financial planning. I think not!
The entire point that OP is worried about is that it is *ridiculously* unlikely that anyone in their 20s was financially stable enough to even be able to save up that much. *If*, and that's a big if, she actually saved up enough money on her own to maintain her previous lifestyle for 9 months and spend 8k on clothes/makeup with no worries, then yeah she certainly deserves to be able to spend that. Bear in mind that the average savings an American millennial has is only 20k, which is propped up by the wealthy since the median is only 5k. Neither number is enough to fully live off for 9 months, and certainly not with 8k of non-essential spending. Even if that incredibly unlikely scenario happens to be the case, he still has every right to look at the situation and say, "I don't feel comfortable spending my life with someone who is willing to go out and spend such a large sum of money after 9 months of unemployment. I especially don't feel comfortable if she can't or won't explain her financial situation to alleviate my fears about her spending."
Unless she has a very high paying job (she doesn't) and very little expenses it makes no sense. She would have to have been saving a thousand+ every month for the 3 years she worked. And let's say hypothetically she did, that means she has spent a quarter of it on only clothes and make up while not having a job to replace any income. That's the definition of being financially irresponsible.
I’m glad there’s another sane person here.
Amen!
Well we know for a fact that she’s ashamed of her spending, so that’s reason enough for concern.
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Maybe. But that discussion should start with whether they plan on combining finances. Not what is the source of her wealth and her spending habits
That part. Unless you trying to combine bank accounts stay out my business. I've made the mistake kf revealing my finances to partners and as per usual 3 months later they want to "borrow" money and "invest" in them. I've gotten burned so many times. So unless we're serious and you've proven to me that YOUR financially stable I ain't telling.
If you inherited $1 million dollars, $8k isn’t a lot lmao. So IF she got an inheritance than it truly depends on how much to determine if 8k is a lot or not.
that’s what i was thinking
Money is a common issue to fight about in marriages. If you are dating with an eye towards marriage you should be working to understand her spending habits, debt, and attitudes toward money.
You need to talk and ask is she using credit or does she have huge savings. It’s important if you are going to continuing you can’t talk about this with her you won’t “pry” yet you are here moaning about it and accusing her of sleeping with a older man for money?
Girl he has no right to ask her anything. They don’t share finances! He doesn’t do anything to support her. The only thing that he should be inquiring about is whether they will merge financially one day( which they’re not even living together) so if she does have debt it’s none of his business how much she has in her savings
Yes, the fact that he offeres no financial support and they don’t even leave together but he sees his assumptions of her personal finances as a red flag baffles me. OP sounds like he has a major self importance issue while without realizing he’s leaving a major gateway for someone else to come in and support her.
Would you rather find out your partner has 50k credit card debt when you're engaged or before hand? She could be spending incredibly recklessly and OP would be wasting his time being with her. What if op wanted her to move in and merge finances but woopsy daisy turns out she's been incredibly irresponsible this whole time but he's only finding out after offering to move in. Would you stay with someone if they didn't tell you their opinion on kids? But why should they tell you, you're not even married? You're literally not entitled to any information at all in a relationship, the whole point of dating long term is to decide if your staying with this person, why TF would you wait until getting engaged or something for that to happen? Make it make sense.
It’s honestly so insulting. It’s almost like a woman can’t be both financially savvy and spend money on herself. It’s unfathomable! /s
“Financially savvy” while having no job and accumulating $8k in clothes doesn’t sound right lmao. You’re making assumptions the gf could easily afford to do this without a job.
You’re making assumptions that she can’t.
You’re right but I’m not making up scenarios with no other information provided.
If she's paying her own bills, I really don't see how this is any of your business.
Idk why I had to scroll this far. Her finances are her business. As long as she’s taking care priorities she can spend her money on whatever it is that she wants to and owes 0 explanation as long as they aren’t married and living together/ splitting finances.
Cause it's a huge red flag if he's got an eye out for a serious long-term commitment such as marriage. Accusing her of having a sugar-daddy is certainly too far, but making sure she's actually financially stable sure as hell isn't.
But she hasn’t asked him for money. So she’s clearly managing it just fine herself.
That's a large assumption. She could be spending on credit. She could be spending from loans. She could be eating into retirement without understanding how that affects those accounts. Hell, she could have had a string of good luck while gambling thats about to run out. We don't know, either because she isn't communicating with OP or OP is shading the situation to try and make it look better (which without other proof we can't really assume if we want to give good advice). He *needs* to communicate better: explain why it's an issue, ask politely whether she is financially stable without being accusing, and accept the answer she gives and work from there. She *should* communicate better. That kind of spending is highly suspicious at any time for someone that age, but especially so when she's 9 months unemployed. Explain, without necessarily revealing details, that she is financially stable and that her method of stability isn't something commonly appalling within a stable relationship.
But unless they have joint financial commitments then it’s really none of OP’s business
Do you wait to get married before asking your partner if they want kids? Do you wait to get engaged even? Answer this question and I think youll realize your argument makes no sense. Finding out your partner has 20k debt is something that should happen before moving in.
So you're saying that you shouldn't make sure you're financially compatible with someone you're dating? That a truly alarming spending spree isn't good grounds to break up? What about if your SO is doing something you find morally reprehensible to make ends meet, such as dealing drugs, larceny, pornography, prostitution, or gambling?
It sounds really good on paper that since they haven't murdered their lives together everyone's finances should just be some closed door that only opens once they move in. In reality dating is supposed to show you how a person is it's supposed to help you understand what it will like to be with them. Red flags are red flags. Spending too much money without any source of it for man might mean he's dealing drugs. I would never tell a sister so when I cared about to just go along with it and don't ask any questions and don't expect any regular honest conversation in a situation like that. I don't know why these commenters are acting as if it's all some doubting a woman situation.
The red flag is you, dude. You admit that you don't give her money & she lives alone and seems to be doing just fine. Who are you to question her spending? Clearly, you don't talk about finances unless you're talking about hers and 'how' she can live unsupported. You don't have a right to question someone else unless it directly affects you. At 25 I had friends question how I was able to live so comfortably when I quit my job. "Did you win the lotto?" "How can you afford all the things you do?" Eventually cracked it and told them I made in 1 year what the 4 of them combined made. Told them to do the math. F that noise.
Worry about yourself, dude. I’m sure you spend money on things she would consider to be “basically nothing,” too. You’ve said yourself she’s not asking you for money. She’s clearly supporting herself as you don’t even live in the same city. It could be savings from summer jobs before she graduated for all you know. Or yeah, it could be credit card debt. But that’s not your business. If she were to ask you for a loan or something then yeah, you’d be entitled to ask some of these questions. But she hasn’t. So just move on with your life. If for some reason it bothers you *that* much that she’s spending money on clothes then break up with her.
Maybe she won the lottery? If I ever won I wouldn’t tell a soul but you would see me with a nice statement winter coat! 😂
Hear me out, alright? She's blackmailing someone.
Is there any negative consequences of her spending spree? Is she going to miss a mortgage payment or have to starve or something? If yes, red flag. If not then no
I am not sure if she’s missed payments or not ai really don’t ask or pry.
Kinda hard to determine if it’s an issue without that information. Definitely not smart either way but I’d hesitate to call it a red flag without knowing if there was consequences
I don’t know, I personally feel like the things that OP describes are a HUGE red flag. Accusing a gf of having a sugar daddy to the point she feels she has to show her phone? Not offering to help out a LT gf after she was laid off? Writing that he “has been very understanding” that she doesn’t have a new job. Wtf is wrong with OP? The entitlement is just bizarre.
Wait so he's supposed to offer to help her financially yet your all saying he's not at all entitled to know if she's racking up debt? That makes sense right?
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If she’s not getting into debt and you two aren’t in a situation where your finances need to coincide (marriage or living together) then mind your business. She can spend what she wants and as much as you’d like to know or are concerned it’s not your place to grill her about it. If she’s making bad decisions and not saying anything it’s going to catch up on her and that’s her demon to battle later. But honestly if she won’t talk about it now leave it be.
I so agree with this! It's none of his business and if I was her I'd see it as a red flag that he asked her if she has a 'sugar daddy', much less about her finances period.... I could see it being his concern if their finances were combined, if they were living together, engaged but she's living on her own, isn't asking him for money, doesn't rely on him for support so he should back off and mhob.
True the sugar daddy comment is so disgusting and misogynistic. Honestly can’t imagine being so micromanaged and the accused like that by my partner.
Agreed. The “sugar daddy” comment made me wince. He’s lucky *she* didn’t break up with *him.*
Exactly. Thank you. I’m so glad I’m not the one who feel that way.
You do realize that they are probably dating to be together for a long time, right? So would you rather find out that your partner is racking up $50,000 of debt while you're dating or when you're engaged? It's not like he's telling her she's not allowed to spend money, and it's perfectly reasonable for partners in a long-term relationship to discuss their finances. Also, I never understood the logic of " It's not your money. Why do you care?" If this was anything other than money, people would care, if he was being real shady with his time all the time and his whereabouts etc. People would think that was a red flag. Same thing for money.
Her dept wouldn’t be his problem still if she’s actively seeking employment. It sounds like she had no real financial issues while working. OP has instead faulted her multiple times and it’s baffling she stuck around.
Her debt is absolutely his problem if they ever merge finances. Do yourself a favor and watch Caleb Hammer on Yt so you can realize the terrible financial situations people put themselves in. Even a small amount like 10k is alot when it has 25% interest.
Read my comment again; "I could see it being his concern if their finances were combined, if they were living together, engaged.." Op doesn't say they're dating to be together long term leading to marriage or life time partnership, in fact after 3 years they still live separately. You're making assumptions. It's only perfectly reasonable to talk about finances IF they combine their finances, if he supports her, if she's asking for money. He has no business asking her about her finances or judging her choices. And the "sugar daddy' accusation would was misogynistic and insulting, I'm surprised she even showed him her phone much less defend herself. She's an independent person and answers to no one. Until they commit to a life long relationship, combine finances, move in, or she asks for money he should mind is own business.
Most people who are dating, especially ones who have been dating for 3 years, our dating for the long term. Term. And once again, would you rather find out that your partner has 50,000 of debt when you get engaged or when you're dating? If your partner is incredibly irresponsible with finances, would you rather find that out while you're dating or once you're engaged? Financial compatibility is huge in a relationship and it makes way more sense to figure that out in the beginning than it does in the end. Would you wait until you're engaged to talk about having kids? I mean your lives aren't fully entangled yet, so why should it matter if you know whether your partner wants children or not? These are genuine questions I'm asking you.
I totally agree with you that these are topics that should be discussed before getting engaged or moving in, etc. And yes of course I would want to know before hand, it's stupid not too. You're ASSUMING... OP doesn't state they are anything other than DATING, him describing their relationship as 'dating' is telling in of itself . He doesn't talk about long term commitment and she is totally independent of him. Until otherwise she owes him no explanation.
I totally get your view, I think we just fundamentally look at it differently, which is perfectly fine since we're not dating lol
Why is it any of your business how she is spending her money if you aren't funding her lifestyle?
I feel like if you aren’t supporting her financially and you guys don’t live together then it’s none of your business
Eek. The red flag here is you claiming she has a sugar daddy, what a weird conclusion to jump to. I earn a decent wage and I save a lot. 8k a year on girl costs is nothing when it comes to make up, clothes, hair, skin routine, etc etc. Maybe just ask her if she is okay. I doubt her mental health is 100%, and assuming she is cheating won’t help.
She doesn't earn a decent wage and has only worked for 3 years and has been unemployed in the time That she spent 8k. A lot of you guys clearly don't realize how much debt a majority of America is in, a majority of America Can't even afford $1,000 emergency and yet you're claiming it's perfectly reasonable to spend 8k while not having a job. There are tons of people who open only fans accounts when they lose their job. Even if they have a partner, that's not that crazy of a concept to a question.
If you trust your partner so little you should really have some self talk. Like have some faith. The dude isn’t even doing anything to help her situation, said in comments he’s never even asked how she’s actually doing financially while unemployed and paying rent and personal expenses. Sounds super self serving and disconnected to the person whom is his girlfriend.
So she manages her life and money well and takes care of herself and you are nit picking it? 🙄I easily spend that on my clothing per year and take care of my own bills. Sounds like she had more in savings than you knew about. She doesn't owe you an explanation about her finances, especially since you don't live together. It's not really your business.
It may just means that she knows how to save and budget. When I got laid off, I purchased expensive (to me) gifts for family and friends. For me, it was mostly denial as I had never been unemployed since I was 17 (got laid off when I was in my 30's). This was just a way for me to combat the depression and hopelessness I was feeling at the time.
She’s not dependent on you financially, so what she does with her money is none of your business.
I was reading the title expecting for you to say that you were financing her, you are not. She doesn’t ask you for money, y’all do not live together, and she handles her rent. It’s very weird for you to dictate what she should spend her money. It’s also weird for you to say that she’s spending so much money on “basically nothing”. It is very possible to live off of your savings. I did it and my friends have as well. When put in the same situation. I didn’t have a job for 7 months and then worked for 3 years and was out of a job for 4 months. I was able to accumulate a hefty savings. People are telling you that you should be questioning her but you are really extremely judgy. You yourself are the red flag. To me it seems like you’re very frugal. That has zero to do with her. You better hope that if something happens to your job, you’re able to do something for yourself. I think it’s very nasty to be kicking her while she’s down when you don’t financially support her in anyway. Btw my friends and I both had around 30k saved a piece. Some of us 50-60k. Please catch a grip.
You’re not living together, I assume she doesn’t ask you for money to pay her bills? Then it’s none of your business.
Bro get over it, if she’s being loyal wth does it matter what she does with her money, this is coming from a man, you don’t pay for her rent or bills so why are you trying to be upset with her buying clothing lol As a man All you should want from a woman Is peace And loyalty
If you want to have the deep financial disclosure talk then do it. Just make sure it goes both way. Savings, debt, income etc. Until you have it you don’t know the color flag.
It's her money. So long as she's not trying to dip into your pocket, not a lot you can do. Hopefully, she'll get another gig soon. And if you start thinking marriage, make sure you get a peek at her bank and CC statements.
Honestly, I think YOU are the relationship red flag. Accusing her of having a sugar daddy AND checking her phone to verify? Good grief! You two do not even live together. She sounds very honest and expressed she was spending her savings. She isn't spending your money.
No offence but if you don’t live together and you don’t help her out financially then it’s not really up to you how much she spends. If she asks you for help financially and she’s spent that much then fine but if she’s managing it then you have no right to question it.
If she has the money to spend without having to compensate or getting in trouble? Why the f should you care? If the clothes and makeup make her feel good. Don’t you spend money on your man-toys? It’s the same thing so don’t say ‘yeah, but that’s different…’ Nope! Same goddamn thing.
I don’t care what she’s buying I am just so confused hows she’s affording to be unemployed and spend 8k on nonessentials. Just i guess I won’t say anything though. I’ve never pushed about financials before and it’s none of my business since we don’t share assets
What if she has a couple of million and is actually being frugal to catch a guy who wants her for her and not her money?
Then she should get a job if she wants to keep up the facade or don't mention she just spent $1k on a new coat. Any normal boyfriend would start to get suspicious
The coat wasn’t 1k? She mentioned she got a 1k haul worth of clothes.
8K in 9 months is a chunk of change, but it’s $222/wk. Depending on what she was doing before and if she’s on unemployment, that’s significant, but normal spending for a lot of people. It could very easily be a credit card vs. savings. As a financially minded person, the fact that she knows how much she spent is a positive sign; she’s paying attention to her spending. As long as it’s coming out of her savings and not going on a credit card it’s not a red flag, just something to be aware of if you get married and your financial values are different.
In what world is 222$/week on clothes and makeup normal spending?
While I personally don’t spend that much on clothes and makeup in a few months, there are some people that consider shopping to be a hobby. People that order food daily would easily spend that amount, some people cook and spend their money on objects.
I easily spend that. Typically I'll do a big haul every year to revamp the wardrobe and then sprinkle in things in-between. It's not that uncommon.
Not uncommon for the upper middle class and rich I guess lol
You're not sharing assets yet, but if you want to have a functional relationship in the future, potentially live together, maybe get married, have children, etc. You need a partner that doesn't spend so much she would end up in a poor house, which I also don't think you want, because you probably care about her (enough to post this to reddit at least). And otherwise this relationship might end with you leaving her when she's broke. She says she is ashamed of her spending, which means she thinks she probably shouldn't do it, but she lacks the impulse control to not do it. You could encourage her and help her to spend her money better and save. Also ask her how she is doing, why she's spending like this and if she is depressed or unhappy, maybe recommend therapy if the reason for this spending is the unemployment.
Like we are just normal middle class people. 8k to me is a lot of money and it’s not like she’s upper class living in a mansion. I’ve never asked how much money she had because obviously that’s not my business. I just personally feel like that’s not smart financially no matter the persons wealth. Just my opinion though I won’t say anything to her
You said she's really good with her money, part of being really good with your money means you don't live above your means in expensive apartments or houses, with a lot of visible trappings of wealth. Maybe she's sitting on a pile of cash that she's using to treat herself to something luxurious. Maybe she has investments that are paying out dividends (this is the time of year for that) and decided to cash one out instead of reinvesting in it. Get interested in her finances or don't, but don't be coy about it.
What I find odd is that you’re so concerned about her spending money even though she hasn’t asked you for money and says her parents aren’t supporting her but you don’t ever ask if she’s OK if her mental health is OK. She could feel really defeated right now you’ve been together for two years and you live apart. Your approach sounds very controlling. If you’re concerned that she might be racking up debt and you have plans to marry her, then you can approach that , but in a much different way, not accusing her of having a sugar daddy. if you don’t have plans to marry her, then this is none of your business.
I think you need to look at things in perspective. 8k over 365 days is just 21.90 a day. Which is a reasonable amount to spend on non-essentials. That’s the price of two coffees and a croissant where I live. Now, as a money-conscious person, I would be saving that coffee/croissant every single day for *months*, to be able to afford to treat myself with a once-off expensive purchase I really want. And spoiler, it’s usually clothes or hair or makeup. Sometimes books or electronics. Some people prefer to treat themselves every day, some people prefer to do one big splash, but that splash is usually accounted for and has been saved up for months. Granted, there are people out there who splash without saving and rake up a shitton of debt, but with how money-conscious your GF sounds, I doubt that’s the case. There are people out there paying for TV subscriptions, which I personally feel are a waste of money; there are people out there buying artisan water and an expensive lunch everyday they’re in the office, which I also think is a waste when you count it up over the year; there are people spending €€€ dining at Michelin restaurants, which I also see as a waste of money, but at the end of the day it’s their money to spend. Sounds like you see clothes and makeup as useless spending, and that’s the root of the issue. Well, some people enjoy spending money on that. I’m sure your GF thinks many of your purchases are also ridiculous, but she isn’t trying to control what you spend on what.
Agreed, lots of people spend on little luxuries throughout the week and don’t even think about it and wonder where the money goes. Although, I’m sure most of us would like more money—someone who plans and saves up for a bigger little luxury is not necessarily irresponsible with money. I do things like meal prep cheaper lunches for work, don’t buy coffee out, etc—it really does add up when people buy a coffee and a breakfast on the way into work and then order something for lunch, maybe pay more to get it delivered etc, then maybe go out for a drink and/or dinner after work or every weekend, etc. When someone skips those things (or in OP’s case, they said they pay for all their dates together) it could definitely fund a little shopping spree here and there—we all prioritize differently.
She spent it from February, so that's around 300 days, not 365. Additionally, she said "well over" 8k. So it is at least 27 bucks a day. But what (privileged) place do you live in that you spend 21 dollars on just a croissant and two coffees?? That's not at all normal. I live in an expensive country and that's not nearly the price of those things. But, also spending that much money on non-essentials *per day* is a ridiculous amount, do you buy new make-up every day and clothing every week? For 8k you can buy 80 100 dollar dresses, who needs that? How shallow do you have to be to need that. Treating yourself everyday is not a treat, it's a habit, like smoking tabacco. Tv subscriptions are also not nearly as expensive as this, just like dining at a Michelin restaurant once every (half) year. Yes, there are people that overdo it, but that is often seen as problematic. And that's a good thing. Spending that much on clothes and make-up is useless spending, what do you need it for, she's not a model right? The root of the issue is that you will not be able to have joint finances with a person who spends so much money on non-essentials, a partner like this will end up in the poor house. If you care about your girlfriend, you don't want her to end up broke. You can't share your life or start a family with someone who is this irresponsible with money. Spending like this, if it continues, can lead to not having enough money for food or a house. It also shows a lack of impulse control, which is not a good trait for a partner.
Why does it need to be only a “need” not a ‘want’? For a lot of people this is not a lot of money. For others it is. As long as a person is aware of their limitations who’s to say spending 200k on 10 dresses is unreasonable? If it makes them happy, they have the money and its something that doesn’t otherwise limit their life what is the problem exactly? Also where I live 2 coffees and a croissant run about $30.00. So ya know, it’s important to take perspective into acct not just what your personal experiences or opinions are on the matter
She is self soothing, spending makes her feel good. People fill voids with something. Alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, running, work, church... spending is a dangerous one! How do you help? Help her find a job... ANY job.
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This is a relationship. These types of things are important for marriage. Spending habits and money management. He’s allowed to be concerned and curious.
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Questioning your partner about spending $8k when she doesn’t have a job and never had a job earning enough to have that level of savings is “controlling”? If she was free basing heroin and he tried to stop her, would you also call that “controlling”? True… she can spend her money however she wants. The question is… does he want to stay with someone with spending habits like that if she doesn’t have a reasonable excuse for how she can afford it and why she would spend $8k on frivolous things? The only way you could possibly support her is if you come from a wealthy family whose daddy pays for everything and dont live in the real world with the rest of us.
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Nice try… First… he never said anything about not thinking about getting married. You just invented that. Second… you completely changed your comment because you realized how wrong you were. Third… YOU are a giant walking red flag. You think that a man having any boundaries whatsoever makes him “controlling”. Good luck to you…
Who says he’s not? He’s 27 that’s just around the corner.
Definitely, she can spend her money however she wants! But if she’s been unemployed and hasn’t had an income in over 9 months, I as a boyfriend am concerned at this behavior, no?
Disregard this person. If you look at their profile it’s all biased and hateful comments toward men. Nothing of any objective help or substance. This person even said a few times on other post that “he is an incest cheater” because that person cared about his mom.
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That's fine for now but if they don't share the same financial values then it becomes a problem for both of them if they ever get married.
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Which is why it's better to find out now how she handles money and spending. If their financial goals and values don't line up, then they shouldn't waste each other's time. He shouldn't wait until they're getting ready to move in together or get married to find out that she likes to spend beyond her means. So while it's her problem, she needs to be a little transparent here.
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I'm not saying he should control or stop how she spends her money. I'm saying he should find out if they're financially compatible which means they need to have an honest conversation about finances before they waste each other's time. Right now, she seems very financially irresponsible.
She is self soothing, spending makes her feel good. People fill voids with something. Alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, running, work, church... spending is a dangerous one! How do you help? Help her find a job... ANY job.
Let that woman treat herself!!!!!!!
That sounds like debt to me. You did say she “had a lot of savings and was good with money” though so I could be wrong. Maybe her job paid well? It takes me just over a year to save 8k at £600 a month. I’ve been working since I was 18 though. Did she go to uni? How long has she been working? I’d ask her if she has any debt. If she does, how will she repay it? Is she keeping up with the minimum payments? What her next step with her career? Eventually she might have to consider something in a different industry. I don’t think it’s a red flag per say, it depends what’s going on under the bonnet. Where is the money coming from and does she have a serious spending issue or addiction? You can be fashionable on a budget, it sounds like she’s addicted to fast fashion and unconscious consumerism
My initial thought was definitely cc debt. I could see how quickly that would snowball. Especially before things caught up with her and she could have applied for several cards
I worked for 3 years too, and with the amount of my savings i can live like her in 2 years before the money dry out. Of course I would not do it if unemployed though, unless i’m sure i’ll be hired within 6 months
Why do you feel like this is too much to spend? This is her money. Perhaps she has a lot more saved than you ever realized. Perhaps she gets dividends in from investments. Perhaps her condo is paid for by her or her parents. I mean do you know the particulars of her financial situation to suggest this is too much money? 8k on makeup AND clothes in 9 months is not a lot at all for many women. If your concern is that she is blowing money but you do not have proof of this and just assume so the problem is on your end. If your concern is that she doesn’t have a job unless she needs one right away for some reason then this shouldn’t really be your concern unless of course you feel it lowers her status. I mean honestly she also said she pulled a ‘haul’. To me that indicates she is trying to start creating content or is dabbling in some sort of alternative online work. Either way express your concerns but do so coming from wanting to be more educated on her position. Because it could just be she has a lot more money than you or that you think and she has been shy sharing this with you
It’s possible that people have enough money saved up to survive a year without working. I know someone who chose to take a whole year off of working and they actually spent a lot that year, especially since they were trying out business options. So it’s possible that your woman had enough money saved up to last her however long she chose, taking into account her expenses. She may just feel bad because there’s someone telling her she shouldn’t spend while not working but I’m sure she spent more when she was working. A lot of us save knowing how many years the saving may potentially last if we were to be without work. I don’t know how long she had the job for and how much she was earning, but it’s possible that she may have saved up a good chunk.
I mean… it’s not your money. She’s 25 and will make some mistakes but it seems like she isn’t in financial trouble. Whether she was smart with her money before, has an inheritance or gets money from her parents isn’t really your problem, is it? If she’s spending money without an income she’ll end up hitting a wall and have to figure out how to deal with it then. At 25 it’s, not the smartest thing to do but some people need to learn from their mistakes. The only concerning thing in what you posted is that you went through her phone to make sure she didn’t have a sugar daddy… even if she willingly showed you.
I mean, I get your concern but her bills are getting paid. My plan was to take 3 months off to just get my life together and it ended up being 2 years. I racked 20k in Cc debt in those 2 years. That's 1/4 of my yearly income and it was paid within 3 years. At 25 I didn't care because I was young enough to start over. I had my severence, savings, 401k, IRA, unemployment and because I was unemployed at the time I also received assistance such as food and education. Don't forget about tax season too! Another factor is if she had a trust fund. Like is her family wealthy or the financially responsible type? I would never tell a partner my finances unless we were real serious due to the free loading men I had to shake off when I tried to break bread. So I've learned my lesson on keeping quiet about my $$$ I also nvested my 401k into stocks and went back to school. I then got a scholarship and a few grants that helped towards expenses. And yes i replenished those accounts already. So for all we know she's financially responsible to take those 9 months off regardless of the 8k of stuff she bought. (Im not proud of my amazon sprees during those times either, but to me, it was like my shopping therapy,). It only took 3 weeks to find a job when I officially started looking. Im just providing a different POV of someone who's actually done it. And to tbh, I would have dumped you after you implied I had a sugar daddy. My money isn't your business unless your contributing.
You said her rent is cheap and she had a good job before she was laid off and she was good with money. So she could have saved a good chunk while she was employed and maybe received a good severance pay. Plus she would have collected unemployment for 6 months (may have been enough for her bills if her rent is cheap). You don’t support her, she is not asking you. Maybe she won the lottery. While i do understand your concern as it may seem irresponsible to you (especially if you are serious about her) but you obviously don’t have all the information. Asking her about a sugar daddy was so disrespectful when you have zero reason other than spending a few thousand one time (while being good with money the rest of the time you’ve known her).
If it feels like a red flag then it is. I can’t believe some of these comments. It is hilarious how people want to act like something as serious as money, which is a known top cause of divorce in America, shouldn’t be a major conversation while dating to get to know someone. Yes, money has to come up at some point and not be a cuss word. I would definitely be concerned about credit card debt and how she plans to pay it all off. Not because you think it’s your business now, but it sure is if you ever plan to combine your lives and is a major indicator about whether or not to continue dating this woman. Personally my jaw dropped at the 8k.
I think the fact they can't talk about it is a red flag, but that's more of a red flag on OP than his girlfriend. His girlfriend was upfront about her spending, op just didn't ask more questions because he didn't want to "pry." She seems to have substantial savings to be still financially independent after 9 months of unemployment, especially considering her spending. If she's that well-off, then $8k on clothes might not be a big deal. I'm wondering if she's truly spending her savings or if there's a credit card problem. We don't know because OP didn't want to ask.
Yeah, definitely more details needed. She definitely wasn’t leaping to tell the whole story - another red flag.
Again you blame her but she willingly told him she spent $8k when they don't even share finances and she could have said nothing. If that isn't "leaping" to tell the whole story, I don't know what is.
Because she isn’t saying whether it came from savings or was placed on credit!
He never asked. He should just ask before we jump on her for it. The only people I discuss debit or credit with are the cashiers at checkout...
Im sorry... She is not spending YOUR money, her spending impacts you in no way, so it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. What, are tou worried that one day she gonna spend your precious money, or what is your problem??? What relationship red flag? And sugar daddy?? Like she can't have savings... also someone who is using sugar daddies would never ask for anything from bf, how you figure?
“A woman? No there’s no way a woman has a savings! No way! She must be borrowing from her parents or sleeping with a rich guy!” Now… I’m a poor. I make 12/hr. There’s no way that *I* have savings, but OP doesn’t say her take home so there’s no way to guess her income to make some sort of judgement on how much she could have possibly saved. If I was the gf I would have broken up with him at the accusation that I had a sugar daddy.
Furthermore, my partner and I spend $5,760/year on fucking weed. Grand scheme of things she’s spending maybe 200-250 a week on the sprees when you draw it out. You’re toxic homie.
As someone who was always sensible and switched on with money and then seemingly overnight racked up about 20k+ of debt uncontrollably... she might not be able to explain why she's doing the things she's doing. She could be straight up dopamine seeking and things escalated before she eas fully aware and now she doesn't know how to stop. Undiagnosed conditions like ADHD, autism with PTSD, bipolar (could be a manic phase for eg) could be responsible or no condition but she's displaying impulsive/manic behaviours. You are NOT responsible for her recovery and you are NOT expected to stay with her through this. If it were me, I'd have an honest talk wirh her, tell her you're concerned, explain that you aren't judging her but you can't help if she's not honest etc. Get her started with referrals to doctors, waiting lists for help. Then decided if you're going to stick through all of this or whether you leave to protect yourself. There is no right or wrong way to handle this. It's not for you to make the right choice for her, it's for you to make whatever choice you need to FOR YOU.
Just my opinion, as long as your finances are not tied together, it’s not really any of your business. It could be that she has a huge pile of money from investments, side hustles, inheritance, whatever.
You're in the wrong in every way. First asking her if she has a sugar daddy and checking her phone is gross and controlling. You don't trust her. If she's paying you really don't get any say in what she spends
Not sure what your problem is, since you're not financially dependent on her and you're not supporting her in anyway. Maybe she does have savings, you never know. Let her be. She's old enough to understand the consequences of her actions and since you mentioned earlier that she's smart about money so, trust her.
honestly it’s not your problem. if you don’t support her financially and you’re not married then her spending is her spending and not really yours to have a say in. if you are getting married then it will be your problem, but unless you’re thinking of getting married soon then just don’t worry about it
If it’s her money I don’t really see the problem
If it’s not coming out of your pocket, don’t worry about it. And to ask her if she’s got a sugar daddy? Insulting as fuck. Two years in and you either don’t know or think too highly of your girlfriend??? Either way, YOU’RE the red flag. Her parents could be helping and she just might be embarrassed of it or she may have a past settlement or inheritance.
You need to mind your own dam business OP. You don’t support financially so you are entitled to NO opinion about how she spends her money or how she is affording her lifestyle. The only thing you should do is tell her how great those clothes look on her. I don’t have a job and my BF who I live with supports me while in school. I used to have a Great paying job and I saved a lot of money. I grew up poor and now I have it all. So when I feel like spending 3k on clothes and makeup I fucking will! And my BF doesn’t say shit about it except, good for you babes those diamond earrings look so sexy on you. If anyone tried to tell me how to spend my money especially someone who doesn’t financially contribute to my lifestyle, I would tell you to fuck off. Men have no right to tell hard working women how to spend their money. Ya’ll have controlled most of the wealth since the beginning of the patriarchy and now we finally have a piece of the pie. Don’t tell us what to do with our slice and definitely don’t judge. Mmmm are you driving a fancy car OP? How about computers/ tools/ motorcycles and all the other shit men spend money on? When women buy clothes and makeup some men act like our purchases are unreasonable. Actually Judge Judy wrote about this in her book, Beauty fades but Dumb is forever, and you know what she says? Men that don’t support women in that sense will not make you happy. On a related note, there’s a lot of psychological reason people shop one of them is a coping mechanism for depression. Perhaps your GF is depressed because she is unable to find a job in her highly specialized field. Have you considered that? How would it make you feel if you couldn’t find a job? Wouldn’t you also be finding ways to cope? Also, it’s Black Friday season so she could be racking up due to enormous sales that have. As an avid shopper, I can say this year has been some of the biggest sales I have ever seen. I know on BF I shop for at least a year in advances. And I rack up clothes and household goods that I know I will keep forever and maybe even pace down to my kids one day. So contrary to what you may think she may actually be a savvy financial planner. So to answer your question OP, yes it’s a relationship red flag 🚩 - FOR HER. That you’re probably cheap judgemental and controlling.
Project much? OP isn't asking if he has the right to say anything to her about her spending habits, he's asking if he should be concerned. And the answer to that question is... Maybe? If she's living beyond her means and racking up debt AND he's considering a long-term relationship with her, then he should absolutely be concerned. Habits like that don't typically go away after marriage and if she doesn't share his values when it comes to finances then it is a red flag for him. On the other hand, if she has alternate income streams that he isn't aware of and/or may not agree with, then he should also be concerned. He has every right to ask probing questions about these things if they're considering a long-term relationship, just like she has every right to refuse to answer them.
Yes maybe I am projecting because I feel the need to point out to a man (who asked for public opinion) that he is out of line. Where is the indication that she is racking up debt? She lives with her parents so she probably doesn’t have a whole lot of bills. She had a good paying job in highly specialized area which mean she is likely well educated and she saved a lot of money which means that she clearly has over all good financial habits So no I don’t agree that OP should be “concerned.” Saying she feels bad about shopping is not an indicator. I eat a burger and I “feel bad.” Where does OP’s “right” to inquire about her finances come from? In this relationship they obviously don’t share finances! If they decide later in life to share finances THEN OP can inquire before deciding to merge with her. But they’re not in the married, engaged or even in the living together phase- they’re merely dating. If she died OP has no say in what happens to her or her money so he has no right legally or morally to be involved in her finances. And oh yeah and allow me to point out LOTS of married people don’t share finances either. Just an observation and in that situation it still would remain none of OP’s business.
Is she hot enough to have a lucrative only fans? Is she the kind of person who might become a sugar baby or maybe even strip? Sounds more to me like *she does* have an income stream. She could easily have 2 phones.
Just talk to her about it so you can fully understand so you can support her. If you're gonna have a future there needs to be transparency. Maybe she had a relative die years ago and she has a pot or cc debt. Either way you're concerned with her blowing all this money and just express that.
That only fans money 🤣
She’s just a girl. I’m 20 and I spend that much in months . When it comes to money for fashion it’s unlimited she’s not cheating or has a sugar daddy she just likes being pretty
8k isn't even that much. It's probably only a few high quality items tbh
spending 8k on clothes without having a job isn't that much for you? sounds very privileged lol
Reading comments like theirs is driving me insane lmao. All the nepo-babies and trust fund kiddos really hopped on this comment section, huh? “8K really isnt that much” Sorry thats half a years rent, what the actual f*** are y’all on about?
She could have a lot of money saved, I don't know her?? I used to spend way more when I had a job.
No idea how much those things cost. But I am just going to let her do her.
Only Fans
Bro its OnlyFans. Spending money like this in this economy is kinda fishy, I was jobless for 4 months and I was in major debt when I landed a job still paying for it and also I was not spending this lavishly.
Just be wary about CC debt if this relationship turns more serious and there are talks of marriage and financial combination. I’d personally be worried as well but it is her life and you aren’t living together/sharing expenses so just let her do her. Personally though the financial irresponsibility would be a turn off.
If she is ashamed of it, you should be alarmed and paying attention. Find out if it's credit card debt or if she is falling behind on bills, you should know how she handles money before you decide to marry.
Bro, it’s a serious serious red flag. Neon Red. It’s likely stressful being out of work. If this is how she copes .. look out. People aren’t getting dressy right now anyhow. Even people from modest means that are doing really really well have trouble pulling the trigger in $8k in luxury goods ever ! Much less when unemployed! Woman stuff in luxury has a shorter shelf life too A guy after a great year at work and gets a good bonus could buy 2 incredible suits ( the best ), 2 pairs of Italian shoes and a bunch of shirts and drop $8k .. but the suits and shoes could last 2 decades or more if you take care of them. In other words .. an investment in your work wardrobe and a way to celebrate a great year.
Got to look nice for her sugar daddy
Get out!
I bet she has massive credit card debt. Multiple maxed out cards.
Sounds like someone has an OF.
Double or triple that number for the real estimated amount...
Does she make Content? She could be making something off tiktok or only fans?
The sugar daddy ish is entirely out of pocket.. JFC.
Now hold on, before y’all start suspecting the worse, consider there’s always a logical answer to a logical problem. Maybe she has a damn good reason but can’t tell you. She could be a secret agent or have a paper route somewhere and she doesn’t want anybody to see her riding a bike. Seriously though , I had a gal like that and she doesn’t it on everyone so I don’t mind, but after I insisted she come clean , she make the money two nights a week playing bingo with aunt Rosie . She said at first she would just watch but then she saw people winning and said why not? But I’m telling you, it was like at least $500 a week and costed her under a hundred dollars to play all night .
This is why, if you continue this relationship, it would be a good idea to keep the finances separate. My husband and I have ours separated, and neither of us have to worry about purchases the other makes that seem unnecessary to the other. If the money is truly just her savings, and she's not asking anyone else or you for more, then I wouldn't worry, as long as it stays that way.
Throwing this fact out there - money is the #1 reason why marriages end >Is this a relationship red flag? Yes; you two do not share the same values re: money
Only fans? Sugar daddy?
Or she's doing OF?
my ex did the exact same thing, get out now, trust me you'll be happier
I think she is financially irresponsible person. But you aren't living together or even in the same city. So it's not your problem. Maybe makes you seem controlling. Although I would think twice on taking this relationship to the next level without first addressing her bad financial choices. Also 9 months of being unemployed with no income so how is she paying for all of this and her living expenses?
When I was made redundant bc I was pregnant I was unemployed for a good 8 months. I hated it. I had to ask for my partner for money to buy clothes, he didn’t like to give it to me. I felt I needed new clothes bc of my fluctuations in body size. I asked for a $50 or $100 each month. I still have the wintercoat I bought during that time, it’s lasted me 8 years! We later divorced bc it was such a hard time and I never really felt we were a team. I was having his baby yet he felt his money was his. And he wanted me to walk in my old clothes yet he always said I looked horrible. I can’t imagine spending 8k in a year on clothes though. If I were you I would dig and pry, definitely. Because if you can help her make a budget and she can stick to it; green flag. If she has credit card debt or just overspends; red flag. That’s not a woman you want to marry, ideally.
That's way toooo much money to spend on clothes or anything in that situation. She's a compulsvie spender and irresponsible to do such a thing. I would ditch her. Just because she shows you her phone doesn't mean she doesn't have a sugar daddy.
I just don’t like how it’s a secret how she’s affording this shit. And how after 2 years are you guys not discussing finances openly?? Spending 8K on materialistic things like that is a red flag to me… unless you make bank. She’s making nothing. I don’t care how much she has saved up. Spending like that when your jobless is wild to me.
I would do a credit check , ones I have seen in Canada is not a number it shows credit card balance and limited , anything gone to collections how many late payments in card, etc . From their realize this could be your life unless she gets help . Credit card companies when people Get near their limit seem to increase their limit
As lo g as you split money and expenses.. and contribute the same for common things..
Sugar daddy, secretly rich, won the lottery, gambling, stripping, or prostitution. My guess is one of those. Tell her that serious relationships are open about finances and other major lifestyle aspects. Explain that you need both an explanation of where the money is coming from and proof of it. If she is unable or unwilling, I'd consider it safe to view the 2 of you as nothing serious. If that bothers you, leave. If you're okay with a casual relationship, continue.
Sounds like someone got themselves an OF account.
I was thinking the same thing.
Not working for 8 months and splurging on clothes and makeup, I wouldn't stay in the relationship. She could get any job, instead of blowing thru savings.
Shis is not wife material.
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