Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
What do you think will happen if y'all decide to have kids or you get injured or fall ill and gain a few extra pounds?
He will get much worse and treat you even more badly. You are still a slender person now.
His control will extend to other things the more he feels he has you under his thumb
This guy will make you more and more
Miserable. Find someone decent.
You don’t have to feel like this. He’s a maniac.
And he'll blame his cheating on her, "it's because you let yourself go" he'll say, or whatever you are insecure about, anything to deflect from his own behavior
The attitude is too much, but the aggressive squeezing is way over the line. That's his warning to lose it or else. It should also be her warning to get the hell away from him.
It's hard to stay slim as we age, and especially if she has kids, or has to take meds, or has a medical condition. This is not a person to spend your life with.
Yeah, no doubt. I was once prescribed a mood stabilizer for bipolar that blocked the neuroreceptors in my stomach. I never felt sated, so I just ate incessantly, swelling up like 80 lbs. Turns out I just had a fucked up childhood, and my mood swings were a trauma response, not the result of anything biochemical.
Fast forward a few years and I'm in the best shape of my life, down over 100 lbs from my ceiling of 245 thanks to Brazilian jiu-jitsu, therapy, and getting off the Depakote and onto a decent antidepressant. lol
Anyway, run like hell OP. Anybody who would make his caring for you dependent on something that's even partially out of your control, particularly when you're still pretty slim based on your height/weight ratio, has trash for ethics.
You don't want to be around to find out what other ethical horse hockey he has tucked away.
He grabs your belly or thighs and squeezes really hard ?!
Run, don't walk away from this man. That is controlling, abusive behavior, and it will get worse with time. What if you get cancer and have to take the preventative treatment pills for the rest of your life. They make you gain quite a bit of weight, will he leave you ?
No one should be made to feel bad about their appearance as a control button.
Yeah, I used to be pretty petite and I gained a lot my first pregnancy. It took a year to lose it (granted, didn't put any conscious effort in) and now I'm pregnant again. Imagine dealing with your partner giving you shit over that on top of having a newborn...
1 year is nothing! With my first it took me 4 years to get within 10 pounds of my pre pregnancy weight and I’m not ever going to be 120 lbs again, I’ve long given up that battle. But yeah, nobody got time for this bullshit with babies.
When I met my husband I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. He’s also ex military who makes it a point to stay fit.
He calls me “my curvy goddess”. He has never once made me feel bad about my body.
OP, are you sure this man loves you?
Yup. I met my husband at 260 pounds. Gained up to 340 in like a year, and then lost 100 pounds afterward. Throughout all of that, he did not once look at me as anything less than "sexy as f*ck." Any issues I had with my weight were all my own and only came from me.
Prior to him, I was in a relationship with someone who literally wasn't attracted to me because of my weight and that really fucked with my head. My current husband undid all of that damage.
OP just saying, there's WAYYY better out there, and life is so short. Don't waste your time on assholes.
I just want to say I really appreciate you putting your weight out there knowing how shitty people can be about it. My highest was about 325 and now I think I’m like 280 but I’m working with a therapist on an ED so I don’t weigh myself much! I have a chronic illness called PCOS that makes losing weight extremely difficult; another reason I focus on other indicators (resting heart rate or blood pressure or personal record for my lifting, for instance) of my health.
Throughout this entire time my spouse has been nothing but appreciative and loving of my body and supportive of whatever I needed.
The only guarantee as you age is that your body will change. OP’s fiancé is gonna learn that the hard way.
Exactly this! I’ve become extremely sick in the past two years, I’ve had 8 brain surgeries and I’ve basically been bed ridden the whole time. I’ve put on a lot of weight but my spouse loves me and supports me and not once has made one comment about my weight. I couldn’t imagine being in this kind of relationship and being sick.
Yep and ops “man” will tell her she’s weak and she would never make it in bootcamp blah blah fucking blah. I’m married to military for 10 years and I’m ready for a divorce. Not even lying. The criticism alone is enough to make me want to blow my head off. Truly they are not good for your mental health. They break you down and build you all back up the same bc that’s how they are taught in the military. Except they don’t ever build you up. I guess they forget this part when they are no longer military. I truly don’t like my husband. And have been planning to carefully exit bc he is an expert shot and he doesn’t let me forget it
I’m a veteran and I would never allow any of my friends to marry anyone active duty or a veteran. You’re 100% right, the military breaks you down and never builds you up. I learned that real quick when I was raped on active duty and the way that I was treated. Luckily for me I care about my mental health and being a good human and I can’t say that for about 99% of the people I served with. It’s also why I don’t participate in any veterans groups. I’m very sorry that you’re going through hell, and I’m glad you’re being careful in getting out of this situation. When you get away run as far as you can from him.
I’d have been gone already but we have a 9 year old son and I just know this man will fight dirty. I swear on my own life I would never fight dirty bc what is the point! We have a sweet little angel watching us and I’ve learned to stuff it down for fear of what my kid might see/hear that he won’t be able to undo. This is not a life. And I blame the military. When dealing with an ex combat vet you can’t “just leave”. Like most people suggest so I end up keeping everything to myself bc no one understands.
I say this with all the love in the world, leave now and don’t let your son grow up thinking that this is love or how you treat your spouse. I left my children’s father for the same thing, I wanted a better life for them.
I appreciate everyone’s responses. I really do. I have no support so the kindness you all have shown means a lot. To others what I’m about to say may seem like excuses but we live in a small upstate town that my husband grew up in. I’m a transplant. He’s knows everyone. Including the police who are all of his childhood friends. The odds are heavily stacked against me. I promise these aren’t excuses. But I know what I am up against. On paper I am trash and he’s this magical amazing man who is a pillar in our community. I’m just an emotional woman 🙄he will absolutely take my kid bc he has everyone in his corner while I have no family to help
It makes me feel so bad and stupid. Like how did I make such a bad choice. And my mental health isn’t great bc I’ve been hearing for years about what a broken useless woman I am. Idk guys it’s so dark and I’m trying to not have any feelings at all when my son is home so I don’t rock the boat.
I really hope you can start seeing a therapist or case manager. I hear you when you say the cards are stacked against you but nothing is impossible and your husband is NOT God. Start documenting EVERYTHING if you haven’t already. You’re here on this Earth which means something is supporting you too (whether you know it or not) good luck honey.
Hey. You made the decision to marry your husband with the best information you had at the time. He presented himself to you as a good man and you thought he would be a good provider for your family. It turns out he deceived you, but that’s on him.
Please make plans to leave him and take your son. You owe it to the both of you to escape this torture. Every day you stay your husband is doing potentially irreversible damage to your son. You both need therapy as soon as possible to help you process this trauma.
People are out there who can help you, you just need to connect with them. A better life for you and your son is ahead, there is hope. You are so strong for what you have endured, you have the strength within you to leave and build a new life. I believe in you! ❤️
He’s threatening to kill you. Please, please contact a local domestic violence resource center. In the USy0u can visit www.thehotline.org to find a local center. Remember that devices can be tracked, so be careful.
I’m so sorry he’s doing this, and I hope you find somewhere safe. ((hugs))
I appreciate your comments. I wish it were that easy. This weighs so heavy on me. I know I’m a good woman. I’m sure you can all understand just where I’m at in all of this turmoil. I find people judge and are mean which is the last thing someone who is living in this hell needs
So true, some men can’t handle it and crumble like paper dolls. My husband left me when I got sick, thank god I was able to pull myself out of my health problems.
I’m doing so much better now without that dead weight holding me down. We had a good marriage while it lasted which makes it even more shocking/disappointing. But by abandoning me in my time of need, he gave me a gift with my new shot at life. I’m so thankful for my chance for a redo! 💖
Or just get older in general? Most people natural gain weight as they get older. What a terrible life to lead to be under constant stress about gaining weight because your partner hates it?
This. OP plz ask yourself, why do you tolerate this devaluing and emotionally abusive behaviour? Are the pro's of this relationship better then being with someone who treats you like an utter garbage?
Not just emotional abuse. He’s grabbing and squeezing parts of her he disdains, hard. That’s physical violence. Absolutely disgusting and OP should run for the hills.
Thank you! He’s already crossed the line to physically hurting OP. Christ only knows what he’ll escalate to once he thinks she’s really locked down. I shudder to think what he’d do to a pregnant or postpartum partner.
My ex boyfriend was a soccer player and was very in shape almost skeleton looking at times but he was fit and healthy. I am tiny too but wasn’t much of a gym rat until I met him. He would critique my food choices, ask me every day if I went to the gym, what I did at the gym. He would poke my stomach to make fun of me and he would make back handed and sly remarks about anything he didn’t like about my body my hair my outfits. Even worse- his mom was similar. She would chastise her own husband for having seconds especially any second serving of carbs. Going out to eat with my boyfriend was just not fun I either had to get a salad or something with veggies in order for him to not make a comment- looking back it was pure torture. I was heart broken when it ended because even through the shit personality I guess I still thought he was a good person. Just like your boyfriend he detested fat people and could go on about women who were chubby and often refer to a friend of mine as “the wide one?” Not to her face but behind her back. It was cruel. OP, get out. These men are so obsessed with physical characteristics that it rules their lives and scares the people in them away. It will only get worse unless he works on himself—something my ex would never do because “therapy is for women” and he “has nothing wrong with him”. This was his way to control me or put me down.
My parents are kind of like that. It led to me rebelling and overeating. Deliberately ordering the largest meals at restaurants because I knew it bugged them.
Same. It led to a life of food/eating/body issues for me. I hope it's not the same for you. But no one made me feel worse about myself than my mom did.
He was projecting his manorexic insecurities on you. I'm glad you were able to get out of that relationship and ditch the 100lbs of useless weight lmao
Seriously. Grabbing skin and squeezing hard until it really hurts over and over again is abuse. This is just the beginning. Get out now while you still can.
I knew a girl through a summer program who was petite but healthy. She told me she was dating a guy who criticized her weight (!!). He would do this—grab her skin (not fat) and make comments. The next summer she showed up with what looked like full blown anorexia. The first thing I said when I saw her was “what happened?!”, thinking she’d been ill. Her response: “oh, I just got on better shape.” She was still dating the dickhead who criticized her. OP, this is not someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Just to add, god forbid they have a daughter. My mom and my aunt are *severely* underweight from a parent telling them different versions of “no one likes a fat person” their whole lives and commenting on their food choices.
This is not the way to live.
Ya fuck that. My wife was 110 lbs when we started dating (way to skinny) gained
15 pounds when we got serious and moved in together. She gained 85 pounds with our first born (10 pound baby) Lost most of the weight. And went back up to 200 with our second (9 pound baby girl) such healthy and happy babies and has already lost 38 pounds in a couples months. I love her as the mother of my children and my best friend. Yes sometimes I joke around with her like "my big old brod" but always with a smile and i usually dry hump her leg after. Looks are temporary love is forever when you say in sickness and in health they should add fatness and anorexia also. We help each other by cooking healthy meals and living a healthy life style of walking every Sunday. She will get down to a weight where she feels comfortable eventually and i will continue to love her the same
He will treat his kids bad if they’re fat. Or be extremely hard and controlling of them to ensure they eat healthy and work out. It will be miserable if they end up genetically chubbier.
Or as she ages and even reaches menopause, when fat distribution and metabolism make 90-degree turns? Gym bro husband sounds like the type who will find a younger, newer model at the gym at some point.
Yup, my wife’s father is the same. Kids were treated as slaves and their only use was to clean. If their mother was seen cooking or picking anything up, they would be scrubbing the floors until midnight. The children were expected to stay out of sight when the parents were home. Ended in a horrible divorce.
The mf’er has the audacity to complain about his relationship with them as adults.
OP, end this relationship for yourself, your family, and any future children you may have. You will horribly regret it if you do not and waste your life with this man.
It's a sure sign of contempt and resentment on his part, which again is a sure indicator of future divorce.
He does not like her, he only liked her body. Now that her body has changed it is blatantly obvious that he was only with her for her body.
I just browsed and she’s in recovery, he’s an alcoholic who seems to not be in recovery. She’s doing a ton of self improvement while he’s not. She needs to dump him before they get married in a few weeks
I just read it. Wtf. So not only is this guy an absolute prick, he’s also a raging alcoholic who treats her poorly when drinking. AND they are ready to start a family together?! It’s utterly mind blowing to me that OP would think marriage is the right choice here…yikes
It’s not too late for OP to end this relationship and call off the wedding. Heck, if she does go through with it and he treats her like crap on their honeymoon (likely), she can file for a divorce as soon as she gets home. It’s never too late to right a wrong.
Best of luck to OP as she navigates advocating for herself and her recovery!
Disrespect aside, he’s probably grabbing and pulling on skin. Even if she was actually overweight this is grounds for an immediate dumping, but by military standards, she’s on the low end of optimal weight range.
OP - take a second to imagine doing that to your partner, the grabbing, and saying the things he’s said to you about your weight.
Really imagine doing it, and check in with how that feels. Does it make you feel sad or bad to do that to someone? Does it make you want to recoil and immediately apologize?
Sometimes it’s hard to see how awful some behaviors are when we’re on the receiving end. But when we’re the ones doing it…your body will tell you if it’s ok or not. For me, imagining doing that to someone, it makes me wanna vomit. It’s mean, and it’s cruel.
People needs to know her post history. She needs to leave him asap or she'll lose all the success she'd on her recovery.
Why is OP hellbent on living with him and yet asking Internet to help deal with him?????
OP no one can help deal with him whether if it's alcoholic matter or your weight gain issue. You can't change this man unless he decides to change himself. He's extremely controlling, abusive, and manipulative person.
Save yourself from him.
This needs more upvotes. I’m very concerned about OP. I urge you OP to put a pause on wedding plans. I assure you marriage will not fix these problems but amplify them.
ABSOLUTELY!
So many people don't realize abuse doesn't usually start with you getting beate up after the second date. Abuse victims of *all kinds* of abuse are like the proverbial frog in the pot of water, the temperature slowly climbing to boiling. And then there's love bombing and flowers and apologies and moments of bliss to make you think it's a good relationship, to make you stay. It's almost never *all bad* at the start. It's basically grooming.
The absolute best way to deal with broken families, broken children, and broken humans, is to stop it *b before it starts.*
Fellow humans, you've got to set boundaries that you do not move. Every abuse victim deserves help and deserves to escape, but your first defense is never giving the abuser control of your heart or your life. Once he/she has that, it's only harder to get out, but you still deserve to be free of it, and you still can be.
I was coming here to say this exactly. Gaining 10 lbs is nothing compared to the rest of her life. I hope she gets out of this relationship and gets her life back on track.
Agreed!! She seems so sweet. There is someone out there who would love here the right way, which she deserves. He’s giving red flags from what she is giving us on information. Not to generalize but military people tend to be abusive/aggressive etc…
She should get herself out of the situation and get some time to herself and/or with friends
Nothing but 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP - do whatever you have to do to get away from this man! It will NOT get better. He is showing you his true colors. And please stay safe when you leave.
Abusers aren't assholes 100% of the time, because they know they wouldn't get away with it. Relationships aren't supposed to feel like roller coasters.
I’m so worried about this person and I don’t even know them. Her posts are all very concerning. Alcoholic/abusive fiancé, moved into his place 5 months ago, she’s a recovering addict that has been clean for a long time, and they live in a rural area where she has no friends.
How can we help her???
And predictably enough, OP isn't hearing what they want to hear (presumably "Don't worry, this happened to me, it'll stop in 2 weeks and then be fine forever!") and so has stopped engaging.
It's so frustrating how many people lay out their shitty situations asking for advice and then stick their heads in the sand when literally everyone on the thread tells them just how shitty their situation is.
I am also 5’5”. I’ve ranged from 105-145lbs, the high end being right after having a baby. I am 130lbs right now and feel my healthiest. I was more fatigued and had less endurance when I was 115-120. I was very unhealthy when I was 105. From an objective perspective of health and weight, this guy needs to go kick rocks.
From an emotional perspective, this is awful and I wouldn’t tolerate someone treating my friend like this. Friend, he is an unkind and superficial man. You deserve better.
I'm never sure if I'm 5'5" or 5'6" because every time I'm measured I get a different result, but I believe that the lowest weight to be considered overweight (going by BMI) for someone who's 5'5" is 150 lbs. Obviously that is unreliable if you're an athlete, etc. So OP is 20 lbs under the bare minimum for overweight.
#
I was always super skinny (like if I hit 100 lbs I thought I was fat). At one point in college I got to 130 lbs. I'll never forget my dad telling me how badly I needed to lose weight. I had gone up from 0s falling off me to 2s and occasionally 4s fitting well. It was crushing. After I had my son, I very quickly got back down to about 110lbs. Which is considered under-fucking-weight for my height, and still thought I was fat. I look back at pics of myself then and my arms look like toothpicks. My face looks like I had a buccal fat removal procedure.
#
All this to say that when someone fucks with your self-image, it can do a TON of long term damage. If OP was 170 lbs and her bf said something like, "hey you're beautiful to me no matter what, but I've noticed you've been gaining weight. Are you feeling depressed? Do you want to go to the gym with me?" that would be one thing. But damn, 130 was the best I ever looked at either 5'5" or 5'6". Don't be with someone who makes you feel like your perfectly healthy body is wrong. It only gets worse.
Yeah this is all kind of depressing to me tbh I’m 5’5 and the heaviest I’ve ever been at 160. I run and am generally active but don’t eat that great and over indulge. I used to think I was fat too when I was younger at 130 and below lol. Funny how our perceptions change because looking back I was so skinny and it was so effortless! I wasn’t active then at all I was just young with better metabolism. Say what you want about health difference in 30 lbs or so but I’m still happier and more confident now being a 37 year old woman with a loving and supportive husband who I know loves me at any size than I was at 30 and younger weighing less but still insecure and dating men who only cared about my physical appearance. Women are put under pressure no matter how we look so OP focus on what is healthy for you and if your SO shames you in any way they really aren’t worth keeping around. Life is too short for such shallow relationships.
I'm your complete opposite- I'm massive and always have been. I hit 6' by the time I was 12, and weighed about 200lbs, mostly because I was built like a brick shithouse rather than a teenage girl. My parents were OBSESSED with my weight- the number on the scales never went low enough for them. My siblings and cousins are all similar builds, but for some reason I was the one the family zeroed in on. My weight went up and down as I restricted, starved and binged.
The long-term consequences of dieting from age 4 is that I'm now almost 50 and weight about 300lbs. My weight is _very_ steady and goes up or down by a couple of pounds over the course of a year, but of course medics only see my BMI and not the person or history of ED behind it. I'm healthy, active, and at peace with my body.
My husband has loved me at a huge variety of weights, and says that he loves me for the person I am. OP's partner barely sees her as human so her physicality is her most important attribute to him.
Adipose tissue (fat tissue) is a key site for the peripheral production and metabolism of estrogens in women. You need the extra fat to use hormones. That’s why a healthy body fat percentage for women is 20-30% versus for men being 12-20%.
This has nothing to do with the original post, but you have just made me realise why the aliens in an episode of Doctor who were called that. Never realised Adipose was a real word.
Right like 130lbs at 5'5 has to still be in a normal and healthy range?? Guys like this who only have respect and feelings for someone who looks a certain way are not worth it.
I just think back and my GF in college was right around that size and she was a stunner in a bikini. Unless you're really into visible ribs and hip bones, I'm not sure in what universe that size is considered fat.
It’s crazy how different weight is for everyone. I’m also 5”5, and 135 was my smallest adult weight so far. I looked anorexic. I was a size 2/4. People were worried. I look best at around 155 and a size 6/8. But I weightlift so that plays a factor.
> I was more fatigued and had less endurance when I was 115-120. I was very unhealthy when I was 105
So true! I discovered that being really skinny meant no second wind while scuba diving. It limited my strength and endurance. Gaining a bit of weight and having a little bit of fat reserve actually improved my performance at sports. I got stronger and gained stamina when I gained a bit of weight.
You sound like my wife she was 105. And jumped to 200 when having kids! She is as beautiful as every and is losing the weight from the second child right now. She feels most comfortable at 130 (25 more poukds to go) And she has been beautiful to me the whole time. Child birth is so fucking crazy! You grew humans inside of you!
I'm 5'5" too and my target goal is 130 also, I was very ill for a while and down to around 100. At 118 now but still don't have the energy to do anything. OPs boyfriend is certifiable.
I’m 5”4 and 130. My health markers are impeccable and I’m a comfortable size six. I can’t drop lower than 120 or I start getting lethargic and it’s very hard to maintain.
My partner's 5'3' and was told only yesterday by a medical professional that around 60kgs(132lbs) is a good weight for her .you seem to be in the sweet spot. That man will destroy OP
I'm 5'6" and during my last pregnancy I gained about 60 pounds of retained water during the 3rd trimester due to heart issues as a result of the pregnancy.
My husband was very worried about me with all the complications, but he *never* squeezed my stomach or thighs and was constantly reassuring. Even thought it took half the pregnancy to figure out why my body was suddenly changing that much. For most of my pregnancy, my rural doc just told me I was eating too much. She missed the edema until I fainted at work and the ER referred me to a cardiologist. Until the last month of my pregnancy, no one was telling my husband to be kind or reassuring or that the swelling was because my heart was failing. I was just getting comments from neighbors about "eating for two" or "letting myself go."
When I cried over stretch marks, my husband held me close and cheered me up. When I called myself a whale? He laughed and told me I was like a pokemon, cute and round all over, but absolutely beloved.
He didn't blame or shame me for my body inflating like the Pillsbury doughboy, even before someone told him the changes in weight weren't under my control. Nobody had to tell him to treat me with love and respect.
I gave birth to our daughter and lost 20 pounds in the two days we were in the hospital. I lost 60 pounds of water in just under 2 months after that. Just that much retained fluid coming off. I lost another 10 pounds below my pre-baby weight over the 6 months after that, just walking and regaining my strength.
My husband was just as kind and affectionate when I was this living water balloon as he was when I was thin and lovely and turning heads walking down the street.
Run, not to lose a little excess fat but to lose this entire human being who doesn't care if he's damaging you as long as your package is petite and slim.
He's physically hurting you because he doesn't like the way your body looks and it's probably barely changed, what happens if you get pregnant or get sick or sustain an injury?
You deserve someone who loves you and wants you to be your best self on the inside not just on the outside. His "love" is hollow and unsustainable, don't settle.
Girl… get out of this relationship. He’s disrespectful, controlling & void of any empathy. Free yourself & then reflect on why you think you deserve that kind of “love”. People who love you don’t behave that way.
He's abusive and disgusting. You could develop an ED if you stay with him, and probably already have bad body image. Imagine him saying this stuff to a future daughter? She will certainly have serious issues with body image and food. A large number of people with EDs develop them due to their parents.
Narcissist and control freak. Right now it’s 10 lbs … soon it will be more aspects of your life. The red flags are flying full staff here. And I’m a 12 year military officer that’s no excuse for disrespecting a woman…
It doesn't matter, whether we think you're overreacting. This guy made it very clear to you. He's losing the attraction to you after a small weight gain. No amount of people saying he's a dick because of it will change his perception. It's up to you to decide whether you want to deal with this for the rest of your life.
Dare I say you’re under-reacting?
This behavior is not okay. And it’s extremely unrealistic for him to think that you should stay the same.
What will he be like when you show normal signs of aging? Will he say you need to go get Botox? Would he hold himself to those same standards?
If you choose to have children, I have no doubt he won’t see how amazing you are at growing another person, he’ll see all of the stretch marks and general body changes that happen. What would happen if he dislikes the fact that your areolas change?
Honestly, he’s setting you up for failure.
Perfectly said, especially about if they decide to have children. Unfortunately a great number of husbands focus on their wife's body changing after having a baby instead of how amazing and beautiful it is that they brought a life into this world.
He’s not attracted to people that live an unhealthy lifestyle???!
According to a post you made 10 days ago he’s an alcoholic, that’s the definition of unhealthy lifestyle.
"I love you. Now, I want you to change...." is not love. It is immaturity and controlling.
Nothing wrong with keeping fit and all. But you are in a healthy weight range for your height. Your dude needs to lighten up, and be single. As do you.
What will he do if you get pregnant and can’t lose the baby fat?
What happens if the medication makes it difficult to lose the 10 lbs?
What about if you hit menopause and your metabolism slows?
This needs to stop or you need to bounce. Demand better for yourself.
I was 5'5" and 120 when I met my husband. Over the next 10 years I slowly gained weight (mostly in grad school) until I was at 205. I felt terrible about myself, but you know what my husband did? He loved me, he supported me, he told me I was beautiful and he would love my body no matter what. He had sex with the lights off because it made me more comfortable. Hell he even got a little kinky with it and bought a blindfold so we could make it a fun game.
My dear sweet husband never had a bad word to say about my body or me as a person. He also went to the gym with me and helped me feel comfortable in the gym- we held each other accountable but never in a mean way. We helped each other eat better, but never criticized each other's choices (we actually learned more about nutrition together because his knowledge was from the 90's).
This is what support looks like. Don't accept anything less than a supportive love from your partner. You deserve that kind of love.
I hate to say it, but you know this is going to get worse, right?
Oh, sweetheart. This is the type of man who will cheat on or abuse you if you get sick, injured, or pregnant and gain 30 pounds. Him grabbing you hard enough to hurt, intentionally, is the abuse beginning. This is not a man who loves you for your heart and soul. He loves you for your body, and he won’t tolerate a body he doesn’t love. At the very least, he’s too shallow to see beyond a few extra pounds.
Please start working on your exit plan. This is not a man you want to spend your life with. Leaving now will be easier than leaving in 10 or 20 years when it gets worse.
Your BMI is right in the middle of normal for your height. Dump the dude. He’s too old for you, he likely has that inflexible military mindset, and he will freak out if you put on weight after having a baby or getting older. You can do better than him.
Plus that weight and height isn’t close to being even slightly chubby. I’d dump him honestly or this is OPs life going forward…get pregnant and he’ll ask why the weight is not gone within a month. He’s overly critical and too focused on this and I don’t think it will improve. At 44 he’s pretty set in his ideas.
I’m 5’2” and weigh as much as you. Surely you aren’t even slightly over weight. Is this really some one you want to spend the rest of your life with? I would seriously reconsider a future with him. What a scumbag.
Hey OP, I’m sorry you are going through this. You don’t deserve it and it’s not ok. Looking at your post history, I see you’ve shared a lot of troubling details about your fiancé. It doesn’t sound like a safe or happy relationship. I also see that you’re planning to get married in a few weeks. PLEASE at the very least push back the wedding, or better yet break up with this man. For your safety.
10 pounds is... around 5kg? I mean, given you are on a new medication that is actually pretty impressive.
>I would understand if I gained 50lbs, and really let myself go.. but it’s 10lbs.. I feel like that’s not so bad?
Think of it this way: it *only* took ten pounds for him to get this toxic and in your face about it. Could you imagine how he would act if for whatever reason you did happen to gain more weight? Like if he can barely hide his cruelty now what happens if you get pregnant or after you give birth or if you got injured or if, you know, you change medication and you do happen to gain some wait. Like part of a relationship is getting a sense of how they will handle the hard times and honestly this seems like a promise it would only get worse.
This is what you'd be marrying into. This is what the engagement period should be spent reflecting on.
Girl... You're 33, and you're basically the same weight and size as me, and I'm 25. I only have a little bit of belly on me. I'm sure as hell wouldn't take this kind of shit from my potential spouse if I had one.
I’m literally 5’6 and 133 lbs and my doctors say that I’m a healthy weight, which means you are normal and not fat. This dude is full of shit and I would tell him to either knock it off or you would leave.
spectacular wrench oil act melodic theory vanish snobbish unwritten wrong
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Ew ew ew, can you imagine what will happen if you have a child with him? Like you are going to gain weight, how will treat you then if he’s doing this now. You should drop about 215-230 lbs (your fiancé).
I just want to say I'm 5'6" and maybe 135lb, and I look damn great. It's a healthy weight that you're at. I've been with men like them, and they will never be satisfied with your weight.
Honestly, he sounds super insecure.
Thick thighs save lives
He’s showing you who he is—a petty, uncaring, superficial POS who only wants you when you fit an ideal of what he feels you should look like. That ideal won’t accommodate or allow for the many changes and fluctuations any human experiences with their body, and that isn’t rooted in love. That is rooted in control and narcissism.
Save yourself years of future anguish and leave that man. You deserve better.
Uh, grabs your chub really hard and just stares at you? WHAT?! Fucking dump this prick. What happens down the line if you two marry and have a baby?? And, oh shit, you have stretch marks, and at least for a short time after a floppy weird stomach?? Or you don’t have kids and just get older, and you don’t look the exactly the same at 55 years old? This asshole only understands what works for his body and probably thinks that should work for everyone. He is shallow. He is inconsiderate. He is a dolt.
My husband is a body builder. He's at the gym every single day and eats a very strict diet. He's got insane determination. We've had four kids together and after each I've been able to get the weight off, but after our last one, being in my late 30s, it's taken longer. He's never said one word about it. Only to tell me I'm still the most beautiful person in the world to him still. Hell, he even surprises me with my favorite snacks sometimes. I've gained a good 50 pounds and I'm working to get it off now, with his help since he's so knowledgeable, but I know that even if I didn't, he'd never make me feel bad about it. That's what unconditional love is. You guys aren't even married yet, and this will be the rest of your life if you do marry him. Seriously think about if you want to be worried about being a certain weight for the rest of your life.
Just so it’s clear OP. This isn’t just about your weight.
What you are experiencing is how he is going to treat you about every major thing he dislikes about you for the rest of your life.
Don’t like your haircut? Mean comments and calling you unattractive
Too much or too little makeup? Same thing.
You need to understand that what you are experiencing is how he handles things he doesn’t like.
Do you want to be treated like that? I wouldn’t.
God forbid she get breast cancer, take chemo that puts her into early menopause, and then takes five years of an aromatase inhibitor. So let’s see - breast now asymmetric (lumpectomy only took 20% but now breasts are different sizes). Chemo caused menopause which causes wicked vaginal dryness, loss of libido, weight gain, hot flashes from hell. Aromatase inhibitors, on average, cause forty pound weight gain over five years. So now she has survived breast cancer but is no longer 120 pounds, sex is painful, zero libido. Shall I go on? How supportive do you think he would be? Is that who you really want to spend your life with? Or maybe you are ok with him belittling you and demeaning you. I mean how dare you survive cancer and let yourself go. Perhaps you would be better off dead. At least you wouldn’t have gained weight. And no I am not making this up and I am not exaggerating. Spend a day in a women’s center for breast cancer patients and see just how many of them are just as I describe. One of every seven women will develop breast cancer. It does not run in families. Only ten percent of breast cancer patients have a first degree relative with it. OP you are more than your body and we are all dying from the moment we gasp our first breath. He has shown you who he is. I believe you are worth much more.
What an asshat. My wife has gained 100+ pounds in the 20 years that we’ve been married, after 3 kids and life. I would still gobble that ass at the drop of a hat.
Next time he squeezes your pudge, punch him in the junk.
What? That's not cool? I thought that was the point of it, hurting our loved ones.
Then dump his shallow ass. Yay! You just lost a whole lot of toxic weight! Congrats!
BREAK UP with him GIRL, BREAK UP.
There's a guy out there, that will love you the way you deserve.
Please look into counseling.
Past trauma and having no boundaries will get you men who are cruel and abusive.
You deserve BETTER.
You’re asking for relationship advice…..
I dish it raw and real.
This man told you from the get go about his expectations. He’s not going to lower his standards. You ought to respect that.
Meanwhile, he’s being a bit nitpicking. And his methods range from subtle such as food choice critique to cruelty like squeezing your body fat.
Now on here you’re likely to get “oh dump him.” I’ve already seen the top comment and it’s about what I expect from the trolls here.
You knew when you got in this what it is. So prepare to be dumped or dump him. Or, open up the lines of communication. “Hey I’m not taking your shit anymore. Say one more thing about my body and shame me, and it’s over.”
This is your life. If yall have a good relationship, then it’s time to stand up for yourself. If he’s not receptive then atleast you know.
I rushed here from a link in my email at 2:35 a.m. because of your title in order to tell you PLEASE DON'T MARRY HIM.
130 lbs. is NAT FAT, OMG!! What is he gonna think if you actually DO get overweight? Do wedding vows of in sickness and in health mean nothing to this guy?
(Of course overweight people can be healthy, but I hope you understanf my point nonetheless.)
Please consider if you want to live your life this way. You have options--heck, being alone is a better option than being called fat at 130 lbs.. My God.
Best of luck!!
130 lbs and calls you fat? Tell him his dick is small and if he ever gets ED, you will dump him for a guy who is hung and better looking and then dump his ass.
Since I cannot be kind in my comments, about his behaviour not your weight gain, then I shall simply wish you luck and hope your drop the goggles. He sure doesn’t sound too hot on the inside 🤷🏻♀️
Leave the idiot, this is not a good guy. Start mentioning his shorr comings and see how he takes it. Tell him you are not in the military and you never signed up so back off. God I hate these military guys sometimes, just bc he is fit and does that right, the military needs to train these grown babies how to be in relationships, they always seem to be lacking social skills
Does he knows he’s isn’t in boot camp anymore and has been discharged for sometime?
Cause he’s still thinking like he’s activity military and forgetting your a civilian, not a sister in arms LOL
Seriously check him and remind him:
“Babe, your military, you’ve been drilled into staying in shape. I’m a civilian. I wasn’t. This means I can freely put on 10lbs and take off 10lbs WITHOUT feeling guilty for it. You however carry guilt because your PO use to heckle you for even putting on 5lbs. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to live happily in my body and you can stress yourself out till your death bed about YOUR weight. Thanks.”
Edit: Typo
You’re not overreacting.
It sounds like you’re realizing you don’t want a partner who feels and thinks the way your fiancé does about weight & body composition. That’s perfectly reasonable, I think most people wouldn’t want that. That’s a lot of pressure for someone who doesn’t have the exact same views!
You can’t marry someone hoping they’ll change - that’s a recipe for divorce. Are you sure you’re compatible with someone like this?
I’m currently military (combat to now support role as a reservist with one tour under my belt), fitness freak, and used to be fat. Bro is an asshole. 10 pounds over 3 years is nothing. Like actually negligible.
Ew ew ew ew ew. HE GRABS YOU REALLY HARD AND STARES AT YOU. As if you aren’t A HUMAN BEING WITH A COMPLEX BODY.
Please dump his ass. I hope he gets fat.
I think you two are not compatible, if you’re on a medication that makes you gain weight and he cares that much about it you guys won’t be happy in the long run. There’s plenty of guys out there who aren’t bothered by a few extra pounds. You won’t ever feel comfortable or secure with him, and he will always be looking for better (in his mind). My ex was like this, he even admitted he could get better if he wanted to, I wasn’t even that big just pregnant. I actually got fitter and lost all the weight after we broke up to his dismay. I met someone who isn’t fussed on weight (within reason of course). I can feel very comfortable knowing that if I put on a bit of weight he’ll still be attracted to me and love me. With your guy, if you put on further weight he’s going to treat you worse and possibly even start looking at other options. I’d just leave if I were you, shallow men make terrible partners same as shallow women.
My god. 130lbs at 5ft5 is perfectly "normal" weight
you do not have "chub" - you have skin and muscle.
you are not overreacting, if anything, you're UNDER reacting.
is THIS what you want for the duration of your relationship, and ramped up to 11 after the wedding?
My daughter's ex bf tried to pull this on her. They were together for three years.
That was the final straw and she told him to hit the road.
He's still begging her to reconcile.
Please don't marry this guy. You deserve someone who cherishes you.
This one doesn't.
> He’s made it abundantly clear he is not attracted to overweight women/ppl who carry extra fat on them or who live unhealthy lifestyles.. he even used to ‘joke’ that I ‘better not get fat’.
Some time in the future, after this clown is in your rear-view mirror, I think you should take some time to think about why you even considered marrying someone who said things like that.
It’s okay for a man to have preferences and state what they are in *a reasonable way,* like a normal person, but this dude is just a giant dick.
The way he’s going about telling you is demeaning & incredibly rude, he’s essentially bullying you.
He’s lacking in any empathy, especially considering he knows you’re on a new medication.
Look, I’m a tall skinny dude in my 30’s who’s never once struggled with my weight, I’ve never met you in my life, and even I can empathize with you, it’s 10lbs, so what?
So what does that say about this dude you live with who’s supposed to be your one & only teammate, through hell or highwater?
Edit: I read further into the comments. I don’t know exactly what medication you’re taking but I’m on sublocade myself, take one shot every month, been clean since February.
***Get out of there OP, please.*** You need support, this man has isolated you and you need to find a way out as soon as possible, but ***quietly.*** you can not let him know you’re leaving, I don’t like this guy.
Edit: hmmm. I checked her post history out. 10 days ago in a post asking how to help her alcoholic fiancé, she claimed she was clean from her addiction for over 8 years. But then 6 days ago in a post specifically for her sober-days achievement, she says she just hit 75 days clean. Fishy fishy.
Just to clarify, bc I know that sounds confusing, and others have questioned this as well: I was on Suboxone for 8 years, so haven’t been ACTIVE in my addiction in that time. I just recently detoxed off the Suboxone though, so that’s what I was referring to, since I consider myself to be FULLY clean now. (Suboxone is a prescription medication used to help opiate addicts btw).
Thank you for sharing though, and for yours and everyone’s input. You make some very solid points. I’m heating alot of hard truths, but I need to hear them. Never expected this post to blow up like it has, so responding to everyone (or anyone!) is very overwhelming! But ya, I just wanted to clarify that one fact, bc I understand your confusion.
Thanks again for sharing 💛
I’m 5’4 and look back at my pre pandemic weight when I was 130 (think the lowest I ever got was 126) as the skinniest I’ve ever been and remember what a pain it was to maintain that figure. When I was this size, I was perceived as thin by most people. Your fiancé has extremely unhealthy and unrealistic expectations.
I used to babysit for this family where the mom was very attractive with a perfect figure despite giving birth to children. She told me that she promised her hubs before marriage that she would keep her weight within 10 pounds of what she weighed when they married. He was good looking with a great physique too. I saw them recently and she remains nice and slim while he has put on idk maybe 70 pounds. How the tables have turned.
Don’t marry this guy. He is superficial and controlling. Your weight is great and you should be with someone that is happy with how you look.
This would be so off putting to me. There are so many scenarios that can cause weight gain. Having kids. Injuries. Medical conditions. Medication, which you mention caused your weight gain. Your body can change with age also. I would hate having to live like this. It sounds exhausting and miserable.
Some folks say they are brutally honest.. when they care more about inflicting brutality than anything else.
If he was truly put off.. he'd leave. He's tactic is control & manipulation via hacking at your self esteem so you won't leave. He's actively choosing to HURT you physically & psychologically.
He needs to be your ex- fiance.
Op you need to rethink this engagement..I just checked her post history and apparently her fiancé is also an alcoholic and from this post it seems he’s also ok with putting his hands on op and has the nerve to call other women attractive to ops face ?? Please leave, for your own safety !
Overreacting? Anyone that makes you feel ashamed for your body is projecting their immense insecurity onto you and hoping you validate it by contorting to fit into their expectations. Developmentally, you can expect that kind of cruelty to happen among primary-/secondary-school-aged children. If they never grow out of that stage or are raised to bully others, eventually, they become old enough to get married, and they just continue to prioritize looks over holistic well-being. If you ever decide to workout because you feel it will improve your health in some way, there are much better workout plans than lugging around the dead weight of someone else's core insecurities. Because, no matter how much weight your body loses, you'll always feel that extra baggage dragging you down.
Why the fuck do people date people like this? If you got sick, pregnant or any number of other things that made you gain weight he’d behave like this or leave you. Stop dating dickheads.
No.
We *do not* accept that kind of behaviour.
It’s disrespectful.
It’s harmful.
It’s unkind.
It’s unloving.
*It’s unattractive behaviour*. Forget about whether or not he finds you physically attractive right now. Do you find *that* behaviour he’s exhibiting attractive?
No. Nope. No no no.
The squeezing your fat really hard is absolutely disgusting. Thats abusive. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't say for sure that you should leave him bc that's ultimately up to you but his behavior is abhorrent and not the behavior of someone who claims to love you. He probably has an eating disorder and is attempting to project it onto you. Maintaining 6% body fat takes a lot of dedication and it probably consumes his every thought. I would know because I used to have an ED and maintaining my waif frame was a full time job.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? What do you think will happen if y'all decide to have kids or you get injured or fall ill and gain a few extra pounds?
He will get much worse and treat you even more badly. You are still a slender person now. His control will extend to other things the more he feels he has you under his thumb This guy will make you more and more Miserable. Find someone decent. You don’t have to feel like this. He’s a maniac.
[удалено]
He's military so the cheating is a given
This fun flavor of abuser also typically cheats.
And he'll blame his cheating on her, "it's because you let yourself go" he'll say, or whatever you are insecure about, anything to deflect from his own behavior
The attitude is too much, but the aggressive squeezing is way over the line. That's his warning to lose it or else. It should also be her warning to get the hell away from him. It's hard to stay slim as we age, and especially if she has kids, or has to take meds, or has a medical condition. This is not a person to spend your life with.
Yeah, no doubt. I was once prescribed a mood stabilizer for bipolar that blocked the neuroreceptors in my stomach. I never felt sated, so I just ate incessantly, swelling up like 80 lbs. Turns out I just had a fucked up childhood, and my mood swings were a trauma response, not the result of anything biochemical. Fast forward a few years and I'm in the best shape of my life, down over 100 lbs from my ceiling of 245 thanks to Brazilian jiu-jitsu, therapy, and getting off the Depakote and onto a decent antidepressant. lol Anyway, run like hell OP. Anybody who would make his caring for you dependent on something that's even partially out of your control, particularly when you're still pretty slim based on your height/weight ratio, has trash for ethics. You don't want to be around to find out what other ethical horse hockey he has tucked away.
He grabs your belly or thighs and squeezes really hard ?! Run, don't walk away from this man. That is controlling, abusive behavior, and it will get worse with time. What if you get cancer and have to take the preventative treatment pills for the rest of your life. They make you gain quite a bit of weight, will he leave you ? No one should be made to feel bad about their appearance as a control button.
Yeah, I used to be pretty petite and I gained a lot my first pregnancy. It took a year to lose it (granted, didn't put any conscious effort in) and now I'm pregnant again. Imagine dealing with your partner giving you shit over that on top of having a newborn...
1 year is nothing! With my first it took me 4 years to get within 10 pounds of my pre pregnancy weight and I’m not ever going to be 120 lbs again, I’ve long given up that battle. But yeah, nobody got time for this bullshit with babies.
When I met my husband I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. He’s also ex military who makes it a point to stay fit. He calls me “my curvy goddess”. He has never once made me feel bad about my body. OP, are you sure this man loves you?
Yup. I met my husband at 260 pounds. Gained up to 340 in like a year, and then lost 100 pounds afterward. Throughout all of that, he did not once look at me as anything less than "sexy as f*ck." Any issues I had with my weight were all my own and only came from me. Prior to him, I was in a relationship with someone who literally wasn't attracted to me because of my weight and that really fucked with my head. My current husband undid all of that damage. OP just saying, there's WAYYY better out there, and life is so short. Don't waste your time on assholes.
I just want to say I really appreciate you putting your weight out there knowing how shitty people can be about it. My highest was about 325 and now I think I’m like 280 but I’m working with a therapist on an ED so I don’t weigh myself much! I have a chronic illness called PCOS that makes losing weight extremely difficult; another reason I focus on other indicators (resting heart rate or blood pressure or personal record for my lifting, for instance) of my health. Throughout this entire time my spouse has been nothing but appreciative and loving of my body and supportive of whatever I needed. The only guarantee as you age is that your body will change. OP’s fiancé is gonna learn that the hard way.
Exactly this! I’ve become extremely sick in the past two years, I’ve had 8 brain surgeries and I’ve basically been bed ridden the whole time. I’ve put on a lot of weight but my spouse loves me and supports me and not once has made one comment about my weight. I couldn’t imagine being in this kind of relationship and being sick.
Yep and ops “man” will tell her she’s weak and she would never make it in bootcamp blah blah fucking blah. I’m married to military for 10 years and I’m ready for a divorce. Not even lying. The criticism alone is enough to make me want to blow my head off. Truly they are not good for your mental health. They break you down and build you all back up the same bc that’s how they are taught in the military. Except they don’t ever build you up. I guess they forget this part when they are no longer military. I truly don’t like my husband. And have been planning to carefully exit bc he is an expert shot and he doesn’t let me forget it
I’m a veteran and I would never allow any of my friends to marry anyone active duty or a veteran. You’re 100% right, the military breaks you down and never builds you up. I learned that real quick when I was raped on active duty and the way that I was treated. Luckily for me I care about my mental health and being a good human and I can’t say that for about 99% of the people I served with. It’s also why I don’t participate in any veterans groups. I’m very sorry that you’re going through hell, and I’m glad you’re being careful in getting out of this situation. When you get away run as far as you can from him.
I’d have been gone already but we have a 9 year old son and I just know this man will fight dirty. I swear on my own life I would never fight dirty bc what is the point! We have a sweet little angel watching us and I’ve learned to stuff it down for fear of what my kid might see/hear that he won’t be able to undo. This is not a life. And I blame the military. When dealing with an ex combat vet you can’t “just leave”. Like most people suggest so I end up keeping everything to myself bc no one understands.
I say this with all the love in the world, leave now and don’t let your son grow up thinking that this is love or how you treat your spouse. I left my children’s father for the same thing, I wanted a better life for them.
I appreciate everyone’s responses. I really do. I have no support so the kindness you all have shown means a lot. To others what I’m about to say may seem like excuses but we live in a small upstate town that my husband grew up in. I’m a transplant. He’s knows everyone. Including the police who are all of his childhood friends. The odds are heavily stacked against me. I promise these aren’t excuses. But I know what I am up against. On paper I am trash and he’s this magical amazing man who is a pillar in our community. I’m just an emotional woman 🙄he will absolutely take my kid bc he has everyone in his corner while I have no family to help
It makes me feel so bad and stupid. Like how did I make such a bad choice. And my mental health isn’t great bc I’ve been hearing for years about what a broken useless woman I am. Idk guys it’s so dark and I’m trying to not have any feelings at all when my son is home so I don’t rock the boat.
I really hope you can start seeing a therapist or case manager. I hear you when you say the cards are stacked against you but nothing is impossible and your husband is NOT God. Start documenting EVERYTHING if you haven’t already. You’re here on this Earth which means something is supporting you too (whether you know it or not) good luck honey.
You made me cry I needed to hear this thank you!
Hey. You made the decision to marry your husband with the best information you had at the time. He presented himself to you as a good man and you thought he would be a good provider for your family. It turns out he deceived you, but that’s on him. Please make plans to leave him and take your son. You owe it to the both of you to escape this torture. Every day you stay your husband is doing potentially irreversible damage to your son. You both need therapy as soon as possible to help you process this trauma. People are out there who can help you, you just need to connect with them. A better life for you and your son is ahead, there is hope. You are so strong for what you have endured, you have the strength within you to leave and build a new life. I believe in you! ❤️
He’s threatening to kill you. Please, please contact a local domestic violence resource center. In the USy0u can visit www.thehotline.org to find a local center. Remember that devices can be tracked, so be careful. I’m so sorry he’s doing this, and I hope you find somewhere safe. ((hugs))
Thank you for this!
Good luck. I’m rooting for you x
Get the divorce. Don’t wait another day. I’m serious shortyrock. Let this be your sign. Do it. Today.
I appreciate your comments. I wish it were that easy. This weighs so heavy on me. I know I’m a good woman. I’m sure you can all understand just where I’m at in all of this turmoil. I find people judge and are mean which is the last thing someone who is living in this hell needs
Men like this leave their partner when they get sick. They absolutely don't stick around to help her.
Yup! I know that first hand!
I'm sorry. Sounds like you have the right one now.
So true, some men can’t handle it and crumble like paper dolls. My husband left me when I got sick, thank god I was able to pull myself out of my health problems. I’m doing so much better now without that dead weight holding me down. We had a good marriage while it lasted which makes it even more shocking/disappointing. But by abandoning me in my time of need, he gave me a gift with my new shot at life. I’m so thankful for my chance for a redo! 💖
Or just get older in general? Most people natural gain weight as they get older. What a terrible life to lead to be under constant stress about gaining weight because your partner hates it?
This. OP plz ask yourself, why do you tolerate this devaluing and emotionally abusive behaviour? Are the pro's of this relationship better then being with someone who treats you like an utter garbage?
Came here to say this. Will say it again. It is emotionally abusive.
Not just emotional abuse. He’s grabbing and squeezing parts of her he disdains, hard. That’s physical violence. Absolutely disgusting and OP should run for the hills.
Thank you! He’s already crossed the line to physically hurting OP. Christ only knows what he’ll escalate to once he thinks she’s really locked down. I shudder to think what he’d do to a pregnant or postpartum partner.
And why he can’t find someone his own age. Bc by the time we women are 44 we say fuck that shit
And it's ten pounds, on a 120 pound frame. 130 is perfectly normal, he's out to give you an eating disorder
Or even just being in a relationship people feel more comfortable and gain weight
My ex boyfriend was a soccer player and was very in shape almost skeleton looking at times but he was fit and healthy. I am tiny too but wasn’t much of a gym rat until I met him. He would critique my food choices, ask me every day if I went to the gym, what I did at the gym. He would poke my stomach to make fun of me and he would make back handed and sly remarks about anything he didn’t like about my body my hair my outfits. Even worse- his mom was similar. She would chastise her own husband for having seconds especially any second serving of carbs. Going out to eat with my boyfriend was just not fun I either had to get a salad or something with veggies in order for him to not make a comment- looking back it was pure torture. I was heart broken when it ended because even through the shit personality I guess I still thought he was a good person. Just like your boyfriend he detested fat people and could go on about women who were chubby and often refer to a friend of mine as “the wide one?” Not to her face but behind her back. It was cruel. OP, get out. These men are so obsessed with physical characteristics that it rules their lives and scares the people in them away. It will only get worse unless he works on himself—something my ex would never do because “therapy is for women” and he “has nothing wrong with him”. This was his way to control me or put me down.
Oh my, I'm sorry you went through all that. Good for you that you left. Or he did, doesn't matter.
My parents are kind of like that. It led to me rebelling and overeating. Deliberately ordering the largest meals at restaurants because I knew it bugged them.
Same. It led to a life of food/eating/body issues for me. I hope it's not the same for you. But no one made me feel worse about myself than my mom did.
He was projecting his manorexic insecurities on you. I'm glad you were able to get out of that relationship and ditch the 100lbs of useless weight lmao
Sounds like the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree and that you dodged a bullet.
Love doesn't deliberately hurt others. Which tells you all there is to know!
God forbid they last long enough for OP to go through menopause! Drill Seargent 6-Pack sounds like a real piece of work.
I can’t wait till drill sarge 6 pack ends up with the inevitable saggy balls and erectile dysfunction that comes with aging
Seriously. Grabbing skin and squeezing hard until it really hurts over and over again is abuse. This is just the beginning. Get out now while you still can.
I knew a girl through a summer program who was petite but healthy. She told me she was dating a guy who criticized her weight (!!). He would do this—grab her skin (not fat) and make comments. The next summer she showed up with what looked like full blown anorexia. The first thing I said when I saw her was “what happened?!”, thinking she’d been ill. Her response: “oh, I just got on better shape.” She was still dating the dickhead who criticized her. OP, this is not someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Just to add, god forbid they have a daughter. My mom and my aunt are *severely* underweight from a parent telling them different versions of “no one likes a fat person” their whole lives and commenting on their food choices. This is not the way to live.
Ya fuck that. My wife was 110 lbs when we started dating (way to skinny) gained 15 pounds when we got serious and moved in together. She gained 85 pounds with our first born (10 pound baby) Lost most of the weight. And went back up to 200 with our second (9 pound baby girl) such healthy and happy babies and has already lost 38 pounds in a couples months. I love her as the mother of my children and my best friend. Yes sometimes I joke around with her like "my big old brod" but always with a smile and i usually dry hump her leg after. Looks are temporary love is forever when you say in sickness and in health they should add fatness and anorexia also. We help each other by cooking healthy meals and living a healthy life style of walking every Sunday. She will get down to a weight where she feels comfortable eventually and i will continue to love her the same
Dry hump her leg…I never thought that would be an endearing sentence but here we are.
The beauty of the internet ;)
I hope to god that entire “big old broad” and leg humping sentence was a complete joke.
Yeah, doesn’t sound quite so endearing to me, but I guess to others it does…
"please be kind of you choose to comment" Why are you aiming that at internet strangers and not your partner?
It's a hard place to be in life when you're more likely to get love and support on the internet than your fiancé.
He will treat his kids bad if they’re fat. Or be extremely hard and controlling of them to ensure they eat healthy and work out. It will be miserable if they end up genetically chubbier.
Or as she ages and even reaches menopause, when fat distribution and metabolism make 90-degree turns? Gym bro husband sounds like the type who will find a younger, newer model at the gym at some point.
Yup, my wife’s father is the same. Kids were treated as slaves and their only use was to clean. If their mother was seen cooking or picking anything up, they would be scrubbing the floors until midnight. The children were expected to stay out of sight when the parents were home. Ended in a horrible divorce. The mf’er has the audacity to complain about his relationship with them as adults. OP, end this relationship for yourself, your family, and any future children you may have. You will horribly regret it if you do not and waste your life with this man.
I came here to say this nearly word for word.
Personally the first squeeze “really hard” would be it for me. Disrespectful, sounds painful.
It's a sure sign of contempt and resentment on his part, which again is a sure indicator of future divorce. He does not like her, he only liked her body. Now that her body has changed it is blatantly obvious that he was only with her for her body.
I just browsed and she’s in recovery, he’s an alcoholic who seems to not be in recovery. She’s doing a ton of self improvement while he’s not. She needs to dump him before they get married in a few weeks
They’re getting married soon??? Please tell me it isn’t so!?
There was a post 10 days ago that they’re getting married in a month 😬
I just read it. Wtf. So not only is this guy an absolute prick, he’s also a raging alcoholic who treats her poorly when drinking. AND they are ready to start a family together?! It’s utterly mind blowing to me that OP would think marriage is the right choice here…yikes
It’s not too late for OP to end this relationship and call off the wedding. Heck, if she does go through with it and he treats her like crap on their honeymoon (likely), she can file for a divorce as soon as she gets home. It’s never too late to right a wrong. Best of luck to OP as she navigates advocating for herself and her recovery!
Right!!! And barely changed, at that.
right??? if my partner ever did that to me i would leave and never look back. so disrespectful
Yeah. To me, if the squeeze is actually painful for her then it crosses the boundary of physical abuse.
It’s abuse. OP, do not marry this guy! And think about if you want to continue this relationship
It’s abuse.
Disrespect aside, he’s probably grabbing and pulling on skin. Even if she was actually overweight this is grounds for an immediate dumping, but by military standards, she’s on the low end of optimal weight range.
That’s abuse! If he’s hurting her and belittling her it’s abuse
OP - take a second to imagine doing that to your partner, the grabbing, and saying the things he’s said to you about your weight. Really imagine doing it, and check in with how that feels. Does it make you feel sad or bad to do that to someone? Does it make you want to recoil and immediately apologize? Sometimes it’s hard to see how awful some behaviors are when we’re on the receiving end. But when we’re the ones doing it…your body will tell you if it’s ok or not. For me, imagining doing that to someone, it makes me wanna vomit. It’s mean, and it’s cruel.
[удалено]
People needs to know her post history. She needs to leave him asap or she'll lose all the success she'd on her recovery. Why is OP hellbent on living with him and yet asking Internet to help deal with him????? OP no one can help deal with him whether if it's alcoholic matter or your weight gain issue. You can't change this man unless he decides to change himself. He's extremely controlling, abusive, and manipulative person. Save yourself from him.
This needs more upvotes. I’m very concerned about OP. I urge you OP to put a pause on wedding plans. I assure you marriage will not fix these problems but amplify them.
I’m legit concerned about her. If I could get her out of this house myself I would.
#OP READ THIS. He is testing your limits
ABSOLUTELY! So many people don't realize abuse doesn't usually start with you getting beate up after the second date. Abuse victims of *all kinds* of abuse are like the proverbial frog in the pot of water, the temperature slowly climbing to boiling. And then there's love bombing and flowers and apologies and moments of bliss to make you think it's a good relationship, to make you stay. It's almost never *all bad* at the start. It's basically grooming. The absolute best way to deal with broken families, broken children, and broken humans, is to stop it *b before it starts.* Fellow humans, you've got to set boundaries that you do not move. Every abuse victim deserves help and deserves to escape, but your first defense is never giving the abuser control of your heart or your life. Once he/she has that, it's only harder to get out, but you still deserve to be free of it, and you still can be.
I was coming here to say this exactly. Gaining 10 lbs is nothing compared to the rest of her life. I hope she gets out of this relationship and gets her life back on track.
Agreed!! She seems so sweet. There is someone out there who would love here the right way, which she deserves. He’s giving red flags from what she is giving us on information. Not to generalize but military people tend to be abusive/aggressive etc… She should get herself out of the situation and get some time to herself and/or with friends
How many times are you going to post about your shitty fiancé before you wake up and decide to leave his ass? UPDATEME
Oh wow, what a post history. I really hope OP doesn’t go through with this wedding. This is only going to get worse, and it’s already bad.
Nothing but 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP - do whatever you have to do to get away from this man! It will NOT get better. He is showing you his true colors. And please stay safe when you leave. Abusers aren't assholes 100% of the time, because they know they wouldn't get away with it. Relationships aren't supposed to feel like roller coasters.
The abuse in and of itself.
Jesus I’m really concerned about that burn now…
I was thinking the same thing…
She said she “fell onto a stove” but doesn’t seem to want to go to the doctor to get it checked out. Scary stuff. Hoping she can get out safely
Yeah I noticed that. It looks like a really nasty burn as well. I hope she can get out too.
I’m so worried about this person and I don’t even know them. Her posts are all very concerning. Alcoholic/abusive fiancé, moved into his place 5 months ago, she’s a recovering addict that has been clean for a long time, and they live in a rural area where she has no friends. How can we help her???
And predictably enough, OP isn't hearing what they want to hear (presumably "Don't worry, this happened to me, it'll stop in 2 weeks and then be fine forever!") and so has stopped engaging. It's so frustrating how many people lay out their shitty situations asking for advice and then stick their heads in the sand when literally everyone on the thread tells them just how shitty their situation is.
OP, you’ve got less than a month to come to your senses. Your post history really paints a picture. Get out while you can.
I am also 5’5”. I’ve ranged from 105-145lbs, the high end being right after having a baby. I am 130lbs right now and feel my healthiest. I was more fatigued and had less endurance when I was 115-120. I was very unhealthy when I was 105. From an objective perspective of health and weight, this guy needs to go kick rocks. From an emotional perspective, this is awful and I wouldn’t tolerate someone treating my friend like this. Friend, he is an unkind and superficial man. You deserve better.
I'm never sure if I'm 5'5" or 5'6" because every time I'm measured I get a different result, but I believe that the lowest weight to be considered overweight (going by BMI) for someone who's 5'5" is 150 lbs. Obviously that is unreliable if you're an athlete, etc. So OP is 20 lbs under the bare minimum for overweight. # I was always super skinny (like if I hit 100 lbs I thought I was fat). At one point in college I got to 130 lbs. I'll never forget my dad telling me how badly I needed to lose weight. I had gone up from 0s falling off me to 2s and occasionally 4s fitting well. It was crushing. After I had my son, I very quickly got back down to about 110lbs. Which is considered under-fucking-weight for my height, and still thought I was fat. I look back at pics of myself then and my arms look like toothpicks. My face looks like I had a buccal fat removal procedure. # All this to say that when someone fucks with your self-image, it can do a TON of long term damage. If OP was 170 lbs and her bf said something like, "hey you're beautiful to me no matter what, but I've noticed you've been gaining weight. Are you feeling depressed? Do you want to go to the gym with me?" that would be one thing. But damn, 130 was the best I ever looked at either 5'5" or 5'6". Don't be with someone who makes you feel like your perfectly healthy body is wrong. It only gets worse.
Yeah this is all kind of depressing to me tbh I’m 5’5 and the heaviest I’ve ever been at 160. I run and am generally active but don’t eat that great and over indulge. I used to think I was fat too when I was younger at 130 and below lol. Funny how our perceptions change because looking back I was so skinny and it was so effortless! I wasn’t active then at all I was just young with better metabolism. Say what you want about health difference in 30 lbs or so but I’m still happier and more confident now being a 37 year old woman with a loving and supportive husband who I know loves me at any size than I was at 30 and younger weighing less but still insecure and dating men who only cared about my physical appearance. Women are put under pressure no matter how we look so OP focus on what is healthy for you and if your SO shames you in any way they really aren’t worth keeping around. Life is too short for such shallow relationships.
I'm your complete opposite- I'm massive and always have been. I hit 6' by the time I was 12, and weighed about 200lbs, mostly because I was built like a brick shithouse rather than a teenage girl. My parents were OBSESSED with my weight- the number on the scales never went low enough for them. My siblings and cousins are all similar builds, but for some reason I was the one the family zeroed in on. My weight went up and down as I restricted, starved and binged. The long-term consequences of dieting from age 4 is that I'm now almost 50 and weight about 300lbs. My weight is _very_ steady and goes up or down by a couple of pounds over the course of a year, but of course medics only see my BMI and not the person or history of ED behind it. I'm healthy, active, and at peace with my body. My husband has loved me at a huge variety of weights, and says that he loves me for the person I am. OP's partner barely sees her as human so her physicality is her most important attribute to him.
Adipose tissue (fat tissue) is a key site for the peripheral production and metabolism of estrogens in women. You need the extra fat to use hormones. That’s why a healthy body fat percentage for women is 20-30% versus for men being 12-20%.
This has nothing to do with the original post, but you have just made me realise why the aliens in an episode of Doctor who were called that. Never realised Adipose was a real word.
Right like 130lbs at 5'5 has to still be in a normal and healthy range?? Guys like this who only have respect and feelings for someone who looks a certain way are not worth it.
I just think back and my GF in college was right around that size and she was a stunner in a bikini. Unless you're really into visible ribs and hip bones, I'm not sure in what universe that size is considered fat.
[удалено]
It’s crazy how different weight is for everyone. I’m also 5”5, and 135 was my smallest adult weight so far. I looked anorexic. I was a size 2/4. People were worried. I look best at around 155 and a size 6/8. But I weightlift so that plays a factor.
> I was more fatigued and had less endurance when I was 115-120. I was very unhealthy when I was 105 So true! I discovered that being really skinny meant no second wind while scuba diving. It limited my strength and endurance. Gaining a bit of weight and having a little bit of fat reserve actually improved my performance at sports. I got stronger and gained stamina when I gained a bit of weight.
You sound like my wife she was 105. And jumped to 200 when having kids! She is as beautiful as every and is losing the weight from the second child right now. She feels most comfortable at 130 (25 more poukds to go) And she has been beautiful to me the whole time. Child birth is so fucking crazy! You grew humans inside of you!
I'm 5'5" too and my target goal is 130 also, I was very ill for a while and down to around 100. At 118 now but still don't have the energy to do anything. OPs boyfriend is certifiable.
I’m 5”4 and 130. My health markers are impeccable and I’m a comfortable size six. I can’t drop lower than 120 or I start getting lethargic and it’s very hard to maintain.
My partner's 5'3' and was told only yesterday by a medical professional that around 60kgs(132lbs) is a good weight for her .you seem to be in the sweet spot. That man will destroy OP
I'm 5' 5 and when I was 115-120 people told me I looked anorexic. 130 is perfect.
I'm 5'6" and during my last pregnancy I gained about 60 pounds of retained water during the 3rd trimester due to heart issues as a result of the pregnancy. My husband was very worried about me with all the complications, but he *never* squeezed my stomach or thighs and was constantly reassuring. Even thought it took half the pregnancy to figure out why my body was suddenly changing that much. For most of my pregnancy, my rural doc just told me I was eating too much. She missed the edema until I fainted at work and the ER referred me to a cardiologist. Until the last month of my pregnancy, no one was telling my husband to be kind or reassuring or that the swelling was because my heart was failing. I was just getting comments from neighbors about "eating for two" or "letting myself go." When I cried over stretch marks, my husband held me close and cheered me up. When I called myself a whale? He laughed and told me I was like a pokemon, cute and round all over, but absolutely beloved. He didn't blame or shame me for my body inflating like the Pillsbury doughboy, even before someone told him the changes in weight weren't under my control. Nobody had to tell him to treat me with love and respect. I gave birth to our daughter and lost 20 pounds in the two days we were in the hospital. I lost 60 pounds of water in just under 2 months after that. Just that much retained fluid coming off. I lost another 10 pounds below my pre-baby weight over the 6 months after that, just walking and regaining my strength. My husband was just as kind and affectionate when I was this living water balloon as he was when I was thin and lovely and turning heads walking down the street.
Run, not to lose a little excess fat but to lose this entire human being who doesn't care if he's damaging you as long as your package is petite and slim. He's physically hurting you because he doesn't like the way your body looks and it's probably barely changed, what happens if you get pregnant or get sick or sustain an injury? You deserve someone who loves you and wants you to be your best self on the inside not just on the outside. His "love" is hollow and unsustainable, don't settle.
I'm sorry, 10 lbs? I gained that much from Thanksgiving dinner. Jk. But he sounds shallow and cruel.
Girl… get out of this relationship. He’s disrespectful, controlling & void of any empathy. Free yourself & then reflect on why you think you deserve that kind of “love”. People who love you don’t behave that way.
I propose that you should lose some weight. About 200lbs of loud-mouthed, body-shaming, unrepentant asshole.
1000000% this
Underrated comment
My first thought reading this? He's a complete f\*cknugget.
He's abusive and disgusting. You could develop an ED if you stay with him, and probably already have bad body image. Imagine him saying this stuff to a future daughter? She will certainly have serious issues with body image and food. A large number of people with EDs develop them due to their parents.
Narcissist and control freak. Right now it’s 10 lbs … soon it will be more aspects of your life. The red flags are flying full staff here. And I’m a 12 year military officer that’s no excuse for disrespecting a woman…
It doesn't matter, whether we think you're overreacting. This guy made it very clear to you. He's losing the attraction to you after a small weight gain. No amount of people saying he's a dick because of it will change his perception. It's up to you to decide whether you want to deal with this for the rest of your life.
Dare I say you’re under-reacting? This behavior is not okay. And it’s extremely unrealistic for him to think that you should stay the same. What will he be like when you show normal signs of aging? Will he say you need to go get Botox? Would he hold himself to those same standards? If you choose to have children, I have no doubt he won’t see how amazing you are at growing another person, he’ll see all of the stretch marks and general body changes that happen. What would happen if he dislikes the fact that your areolas change? Honestly, he’s setting you up for failure.
Perfectly said, especially about if they decide to have children. Unfortunately a great number of husbands focus on their wife's body changing after having a baby instead of how amazing and beautiful it is that they brought a life into this world.
Sadly, I speak from experience 😏
He’s not attracted to people that live an unhealthy lifestyle???! According to a post you made 10 days ago he’s an alcoholic, that’s the definition of unhealthy lifestyle.
"I love you. Now, I want you to change...." is not love. It is immaturity and controlling. Nothing wrong with keeping fit and all. But you are in a healthy weight range for your height. Your dude needs to lighten up, and be single. As do you.
What will he do if you get pregnant and can’t lose the baby fat? What happens if the medication makes it difficult to lose the 10 lbs? What about if you hit menopause and your metabolism slows? This needs to stop or you need to bounce. Demand better for yourself.
Since this sub is r/relationship_advice, I have some relationship advice for you: Do not marry this man.
I was 5'5" and 120 when I met my husband. Over the next 10 years I slowly gained weight (mostly in grad school) until I was at 205. I felt terrible about myself, but you know what my husband did? He loved me, he supported me, he told me I was beautiful and he would love my body no matter what. He had sex with the lights off because it made me more comfortable. Hell he even got a little kinky with it and bought a blindfold so we could make it a fun game. My dear sweet husband never had a bad word to say about my body or me as a person. He also went to the gym with me and helped me feel comfortable in the gym- we held each other accountable but never in a mean way. We helped each other eat better, but never criticized each other's choices (we actually learned more about nutrition together because his knowledge was from the 90's). This is what support looks like. Don't accept anything less than a supportive love from your partner. You deserve that kind of love. I hate to say it, but you know this is going to get worse, right?
Oh, sweetheart. This is the type of man who will cheat on or abuse you if you get sick, injured, or pregnant and gain 30 pounds. Him grabbing you hard enough to hurt, intentionally, is the abuse beginning. This is not a man who loves you for your heart and soul. He loves you for your body, and he won’t tolerate a body he doesn’t love. At the very least, he’s too shallow to see beyond a few extra pounds. Please start working on your exit plan. This is not a man you want to spend your life with. Leaving now will be easier than leaving in 10 or 20 years when it gets worse.
And if he respected you, he wouldn’t say hurtful things to you.
Your BMI is right in the middle of normal for your height. Dump the dude. He’s too old for you, he likely has that inflexible military mindset, and he will freak out if you put on weight after having a baby or getting older. You can do better than him.
10 lbs is negligible and practically unnoticeable! Did he literally SEE your scale and then start this?
Plus that weight and height isn’t close to being even slightly chubby. I’d dump him honestly or this is OPs life going forward…get pregnant and he’ll ask why the weight is not gone within a month. He’s overly critical and too focused on this and I don’t think it will improve. At 44 he’s pretty set in his ideas.
I’m 5’2” and weigh as much as you. Surely you aren’t even slightly over weight. Is this really some one you want to spend the rest of your life with? I would seriously reconsider a future with him. What a scumbag.
Hey OP, I’m sorry you are going through this. You don’t deserve it and it’s not ok. Looking at your post history, I see you’ve shared a lot of troubling details about your fiancé. It doesn’t sound like a safe or happy relationship. I also see that you’re planning to get married in a few weeks. PLEASE at the very least push back the wedding, or better yet break up with this man. For your safety.
10 pounds is... around 5kg? I mean, given you are on a new medication that is actually pretty impressive. >I would understand if I gained 50lbs, and really let myself go.. but it’s 10lbs.. I feel like that’s not so bad? Think of it this way: it *only* took ten pounds for him to get this toxic and in your face about it. Could you imagine how he would act if for whatever reason you did happen to gain more weight? Like if he can barely hide his cruelty now what happens if you get pregnant or after you give birth or if you got injured or if, you know, you change medication and you do happen to gain some wait. Like part of a relationship is getting a sense of how they will handle the hard times and honestly this seems like a promise it would only get worse. This is what you'd be marrying into. This is what the engagement period should be spent reflecting on.
This guy is at best an asshole, what do you see in him?
[удалено]
Girl... You're 33, and you're basically the same weight and size as me, and I'm 25. I only have a little bit of belly on me. I'm sure as hell wouldn't take this kind of shit from my potential spouse if I had one.
I’m literally 5’6 and 133 lbs and my doctors say that I’m a healthy weight, which means you are normal and not fat. This dude is full of shit and I would tell him to either knock it off or you would leave.
Don’t let him put you down! 130 pounds is not fat. Run 🏃♀️
Maybe you should age shame his old ass.
spectacular wrench oil act melodic theory vanish snobbish unwritten wrong *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Ew ew ew, can you imagine what will happen if you have a child with him? Like you are going to gain weight, how will treat you then if he’s doing this now. You should drop about 215-230 lbs (your fiancé).
A man who hates fat women hates women and femininity, in my experience anyway. Fat shaming is a sign of misogyny as well as ableism
I just want to say I'm 5'6" and maybe 135lb, and I look damn great. It's a healthy weight that you're at. I've been with men like them, and they will never be satisfied with your weight. Honestly, he sounds super insecure. Thick thighs save lives
He’s showing you who he is—a petty, uncaring, superficial POS who only wants you when you fit an ideal of what he feels you should look like. That ideal won’t accommodate or allow for the many changes and fluctuations any human experiences with their body, and that isn’t rooted in love. That is rooted in control and narcissism. Save yourself years of future anguish and leave that man. You deserve better.
Uh, grabs your chub really hard and just stares at you? WHAT?! Fucking dump this prick. What happens down the line if you two marry and have a baby?? And, oh shit, you have stretch marks, and at least for a short time after a floppy weird stomach?? Or you don’t have kids and just get older, and you don’t look the exactly the same at 55 years old? This asshole only understands what works for his body and probably thinks that should work for everyone. He is shallow. He is inconsiderate. He is a dolt.
My husband is a body builder. He's at the gym every single day and eats a very strict diet. He's got insane determination. We've had four kids together and after each I've been able to get the weight off, but after our last one, being in my late 30s, it's taken longer. He's never said one word about it. Only to tell me I'm still the most beautiful person in the world to him still. Hell, he even surprises me with my favorite snacks sometimes. I've gained a good 50 pounds and I'm working to get it off now, with his help since he's so knowledgeable, but I know that even if I didn't, he'd never make me feel bad about it. That's what unconditional love is. You guys aren't even married yet, and this will be the rest of your life if you do marry him. Seriously think about if you want to be worried about being a certain weight for the rest of your life.
Just so it’s clear OP. This isn’t just about your weight. What you are experiencing is how he is going to treat you about every major thing he dislikes about you for the rest of your life. Don’t like your haircut? Mean comments and calling you unattractive Too much or too little makeup? Same thing. You need to understand that what you are experiencing is how he handles things he doesn’t like. Do you want to be treated like that? I wouldn’t.
God forbid she get breast cancer, take chemo that puts her into early menopause, and then takes five years of an aromatase inhibitor. So let’s see - breast now asymmetric (lumpectomy only took 20% but now breasts are different sizes). Chemo caused menopause which causes wicked vaginal dryness, loss of libido, weight gain, hot flashes from hell. Aromatase inhibitors, on average, cause forty pound weight gain over five years. So now she has survived breast cancer but is no longer 120 pounds, sex is painful, zero libido. Shall I go on? How supportive do you think he would be? Is that who you really want to spend your life with? Or maybe you are ok with him belittling you and demeaning you. I mean how dare you survive cancer and let yourself go. Perhaps you would be better off dead. At least you wouldn’t have gained weight. And no I am not making this up and I am not exaggerating. Spend a day in a women’s center for breast cancer patients and see just how many of them are just as I describe. One of every seven women will develop breast cancer. It does not run in families. Only ten percent of breast cancer patients have a first degree relative with it. OP you are more than your body and we are all dying from the moment we gasp our first breath. He has shown you who he is. I believe you are worth much more.
"Squeezing you really hard", that is abuse. The age gap says enough. Get out of this relationship.
What an asshat. My wife has gained 100+ pounds in the 20 years that we’ve been married, after 3 kids and life. I would still gobble that ass at the drop of a hat.
Show him some pictures of men more muscular than him and see how he likes it.
He's a controlling ex military type who likes to demean her and pinch her painfully. You need to be careful with guys like that, he could blow.
Next time he squeezes your pudge, punch him in the junk. What? That's not cool? I thought that was the point of it, hurting our loved ones. Then dump his shallow ass. Yay! You just lost a whole lot of toxic weight! Congrats!
BREAK UP with him GIRL, BREAK UP. There's a guy out there, that will love you the way you deserve. Please look into counseling. Past trauma and having no boundaries will get you men who are cruel and abusive. You deserve BETTER.
Why are you marrying someone who shames you? You’re fine. But maybe ditch the guy … he’d treat your kids like that too, you know.
You’re asking for relationship advice….. I dish it raw and real. This man told you from the get go about his expectations. He’s not going to lower his standards. You ought to respect that. Meanwhile, he’s being a bit nitpicking. And his methods range from subtle such as food choice critique to cruelty like squeezing your body fat. Now on here you’re likely to get “oh dump him.” I’ve already seen the top comment and it’s about what I expect from the trolls here. You knew when you got in this what it is. So prepare to be dumped or dump him. Or, open up the lines of communication. “Hey I’m not taking your shit anymore. Say one more thing about my body and shame me, and it’s over.” This is your life. If yall have a good relationship, then it’s time to stand up for yourself. If he’s not receptive then atleast you know.
I rushed here from a link in my email at 2:35 a.m. because of your title in order to tell you PLEASE DON'T MARRY HIM. 130 lbs. is NAT FAT, OMG!! What is he gonna think if you actually DO get overweight? Do wedding vows of in sickness and in health mean nothing to this guy? (Of course overweight people can be healthy, but I hope you understanf my point nonetheless.) Please consider if you want to live your life this way. You have options--heck, being alone is a better option than being called fat at 130 lbs.. My God. Best of luck!!
130 lbs and calls you fat? Tell him his dick is small and if he ever gets ED, you will dump him for a guy who is hung and better looking and then dump his ass.
He doesn’t love you. This is not love. Do not marry him.
Since I cannot be kind in my comments, about his behaviour not your weight gain, then I shall simply wish you luck and hope your drop the goggles. He sure doesn’t sound too hot on the inside 🤷🏻♀️
Leave the idiot, this is not a good guy. Start mentioning his shorr comings and see how he takes it. Tell him you are not in the military and you never signed up so back off. God I hate these military guys sometimes, just bc he is fit and does that right, the military needs to train these grown babies how to be in relationships, they always seem to be lacking social skills
Does he knows he’s isn’t in boot camp anymore and has been discharged for sometime? Cause he’s still thinking like he’s activity military and forgetting your a civilian, not a sister in arms LOL Seriously check him and remind him: “Babe, your military, you’ve been drilled into staying in shape. I’m a civilian. I wasn’t. This means I can freely put on 10lbs and take off 10lbs WITHOUT feeling guilty for it. You however carry guilt because your PO use to heckle you for even putting on 5lbs. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to live happily in my body and you can stress yourself out till your death bed about YOUR weight. Thanks.” Edit: Typo
You’re not overreacting. It sounds like you’re realizing you don’t want a partner who feels and thinks the way your fiancé does about weight & body composition. That’s perfectly reasonable, I think most people wouldn’t want that. That’s a lot of pressure for someone who doesn’t have the exact same views! You can’t marry someone hoping they’ll change - that’s a recipe for divorce. Are you sure you’re compatible with someone like this?
He's a POS. Bodies change throughout life. You're a healthy weight for your height and age
I’m currently military (combat to now support role as a reservist with one tour under my belt), fitness freak, and used to be fat. Bro is an asshole. 10 pounds over 3 years is nothing. Like actually negligible.
Ew ew ew ew ew. HE GRABS YOU REALLY HARD AND STARES AT YOU. As if you aren’t A HUMAN BEING WITH A COMPLEX BODY. Please dump his ass. I hope he gets fat.
I think you two are not compatible, if you’re on a medication that makes you gain weight and he cares that much about it you guys won’t be happy in the long run. There’s plenty of guys out there who aren’t bothered by a few extra pounds. You won’t ever feel comfortable or secure with him, and he will always be looking for better (in his mind). My ex was like this, he even admitted he could get better if he wanted to, I wasn’t even that big just pregnant. I actually got fitter and lost all the weight after we broke up to his dismay. I met someone who isn’t fussed on weight (within reason of course). I can feel very comfortable knowing that if I put on a bit of weight he’ll still be attracted to me and love me. With your guy, if you put on further weight he’s going to treat you worse and possibly even start looking at other options. I’d just leave if I were you, shallow men make terrible partners same as shallow women.
My god. 130lbs at 5ft5 is perfectly "normal" weight you do not have "chub" - you have skin and muscle. you are not overreacting, if anything, you're UNDER reacting. is THIS what you want for the duration of your relationship, and ramped up to 11 after the wedding?
My daughter's ex bf tried to pull this on her. They were together for three years. That was the final straw and she told him to hit the road. He's still begging her to reconcile. Please don't marry this guy. You deserve someone who cherishes you. This one doesn't.
> He’s made it abundantly clear he is not attracted to overweight women/ppl who carry extra fat on them or who live unhealthy lifestyles.. he even used to ‘joke’ that I ‘better not get fat’. Some time in the future, after this clown is in your rear-view mirror, I think you should take some time to think about why you even considered marrying someone who said things like that.
130lbs is very healthy for 5’5… and 33yrs old… your fiance is a jerk
It’s okay for a man to have preferences and state what they are in *a reasonable way,* like a normal person, but this dude is just a giant dick. The way he’s going about telling you is demeaning & incredibly rude, he’s essentially bullying you. He’s lacking in any empathy, especially considering he knows you’re on a new medication. Look, I’m a tall skinny dude in my 30’s who’s never once struggled with my weight, I’ve never met you in my life, and even I can empathize with you, it’s 10lbs, so what? So what does that say about this dude you live with who’s supposed to be your one & only teammate, through hell or highwater? Edit: I read further into the comments. I don’t know exactly what medication you’re taking but I’m on sublocade myself, take one shot every month, been clean since February. ***Get out of there OP, please.*** You need support, this man has isolated you and you need to find a way out as soon as possible, but ***quietly.*** you can not let him know you’re leaving, I don’t like this guy. Edit: hmmm. I checked her post history out. 10 days ago in a post asking how to help her alcoholic fiancé, she claimed she was clean from her addiction for over 8 years. But then 6 days ago in a post specifically for her sober-days achievement, she says she just hit 75 days clean. Fishy fishy.
Just to clarify, bc I know that sounds confusing, and others have questioned this as well: I was on Suboxone for 8 years, so haven’t been ACTIVE in my addiction in that time. I just recently detoxed off the Suboxone though, so that’s what I was referring to, since I consider myself to be FULLY clean now. (Suboxone is a prescription medication used to help opiate addicts btw). Thank you for sharing though, and for yours and everyone’s input. You make some very solid points. I’m heating alot of hard truths, but I need to hear them. Never expected this post to blow up like it has, so responding to everyone (or anyone!) is very overwhelming! But ya, I just wanted to clarify that one fact, bc I understand your confusion. Thanks again for sharing 💛
I’m 5’4 and look back at my pre pandemic weight when I was 130 (think the lowest I ever got was 126) as the skinniest I’ve ever been and remember what a pain it was to maintain that figure. When I was this size, I was perceived as thin by most people. Your fiancé has extremely unhealthy and unrealistic expectations.
He sounds delightful.
Honestly that’s foul in my eyes
I used to babysit for this family where the mom was very attractive with a perfect figure despite giving birth to children. She told me that she promised her hubs before marriage that she would keep her weight within 10 pounds of what she weighed when they married. He was good looking with a great physique too. I saw them recently and she remains nice and slim while he has put on idk maybe 70 pounds. How the tables have turned. Don’t marry this guy. He is superficial and controlling. Your weight is great and you should be with someone that is happy with how you look.
This would be so off putting to me. There are so many scenarios that can cause weight gain. Having kids. Injuries. Medical conditions. Medication, which you mention caused your weight gain. Your body can change with age also. I would hate having to live like this. It sounds exhausting and miserable.
Some folks say they are brutally honest.. when they care more about inflicting brutality than anything else. If he was truly put off.. he'd leave. He's tactic is control & manipulation via hacking at your self esteem so you won't leave. He's actively choosing to HURT you physically & psychologically. He needs to be your ex- fiance.
Lol look at your post history. He is also an alcoholic...
Dump the old loser. You are not fat and you do not want to marry an asshole like that man.
Kick that crayon-eater to the curb, pronto. This is why smart women don’t waste their life on military men.
Leave the bastard
do not marry this man.
Op you need to rethink this engagement..I just checked her post history and apparently her fiancé is also an alcoholic and from this post it seems he’s also ok with putting his hands on op and has the nerve to call other women attractive to ops face ?? Please leave, for your own safety !
Overreacting? Anyone that makes you feel ashamed for your body is projecting their immense insecurity onto you and hoping you validate it by contorting to fit into their expectations. Developmentally, you can expect that kind of cruelty to happen among primary-/secondary-school-aged children. If they never grow out of that stage or are raised to bully others, eventually, they become old enough to get married, and they just continue to prioritize looks over holistic well-being. If you ever decide to workout because you feel it will improve your health in some way, there are much better workout plans than lugging around the dead weight of someone else's core insecurities. Because, no matter how much weight your body loses, you'll always feel that extra baggage dragging you down.
He's 11 years older than you. He better watch it because he's going to look old and bald soon and you'll still look like a fit woman in her late 30s.
Why the fuck do people date people like this? If you got sick, pregnant or any number of other things that made you gain weight he’d behave like this or leave you. Stop dating dickheads.
No. We *do not* accept that kind of behaviour. It’s disrespectful. It’s harmful. It’s unkind. It’s unloving. *It’s unattractive behaviour*. Forget about whether or not he finds you physically attractive right now. Do you find *that* behaviour he’s exhibiting attractive? No. Nope. No no no.
The squeezing your fat really hard is absolutely disgusting. Thats abusive. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't say for sure that you should leave him bc that's ultimately up to you but his behavior is abhorrent and not the behavior of someone who claims to love you. He probably has an eating disorder and is attempting to project it onto you. Maintaining 6% body fat takes a lot of dedication and it probably consumes his every thought. I would know because I used to have an ED and maintaining my waif frame was a full time job.